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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 753870" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Wise, I send you prayers and a share from my Sponsor. Maybe it will help you. It helped me. This was from a year ago or so.</p><p></p><p>I decided to show my sponsor some of the texting Kay and I had done. She glanced at it and said "You made it too personal. She manipulated you and you answered, which an addict sees as a win. You need to let her life go and give it to God. No matter how hard you try there is no way you can influence her choices. And this responding, which she wants, enables her and makes you suffer." This is not verbatum. She is more eloquent than I. </p><p></p><p>I had never thought to totally let go completely i was always going to bail her out if things got TOO bad. My own sense of responsibility pushed me to pay her traffic tickets, car accidents, insurance, and you name it. My husband wanted to stop long before I did and we almost divorced.</p><p></p><p> Letting go completely, which meant not even checking to make sure her bills were paid or her apartment was clean, was beyond what I could even consider. As a codependent and a control freak, I needed to have SOME control. Of course, I didn't. Not really. But having knowledge of Kay's life made me think I had some control even if doing so was making my blood pressure scarily high. I didn't care. I was in martyr mode ,(which does not mean you are, but I was). I would die for my daughter.Thats how much I loved her.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I seemed to forget that my world included more than just myself and Kay. That others wanted me alive and healthy.</p><p></p><p>It was hard to stop texting her, handing over money when she demanded it, listening to her abusive phone calls, only buying stuff Jaden needed. Not her. No cash. No more cars. No more rent. It is hard even now to know she will be homeless.</p><p></p><p>But....even a slow learner can learn that I really only have control over me. Even an oldtimer like me can chose not to engage in Kay's bad choices and to suffer less by letting her live her life. </p><p></p><p>Wise, it is hard. And it is in God's hands. Your ego will taunt you when you let go.Your ego is the talk in your head about how you are doing the wrong thing, how if you just push hard enough or know the details of your kids messes, you can change them or save them. The ego is not you. I learned to trust my intuition, my higher self, God. It took until Kay was into her 30s. Don't wait so long! Please!</p><p></p><p>Your instincts are wonderful YOU are wonderful, God's child. Your daughter is God's child too and He is with her. He allows her free will but He never leaves her. She only needs listen to Him. Like Kay.</p><p></p><p>So far Kay has not heard Him, but I believe in miracles. I also know I can not influence Kay. If she makes changes, it will be due to herself, due to God. Not due to me. So now I step back and don't know much about her. And no social media. And my life is more peaceful.</p><p></p><p>You will feel saner once your kids move out. Just don't check on them and start cleaning the apartment, like I did. Or paying her delinquent bills. Like I did. These are just suggestions. You have to do it your way like I did.</p><p></p><p>From Nar Anon "Letting go is not to stop caring. It means not to take responsibility for somebody else."</p><p></p><p>Prayers and love.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 753870, member: 23706"] Wise, I send you prayers and a share from my Sponsor. Maybe it will help you. It helped me. This was from a year ago or so. I decided to show my sponsor some of the texting Kay and I had done. She glanced at it and said "You made it too personal. She manipulated you and you answered, which an addict sees as a win. You need to let her life go and give it to God. No matter how hard you try there is no way you can influence her choices. And this responding, which she wants, enables her and makes you suffer." This is not verbatum. She is more eloquent than I. I had never thought to totally let go completely i was always going to bail her out if things got TOO bad. My own sense of responsibility pushed me to pay her traffic tickets, car accidents, insurance, and you name it. My husband wanted to stop long before I did and we almost divorced. Letting go completely, which meant not even checking to make sure her bills were paid or her apartment was clean, was beyond what I could even consider. As a codependent and a control freak, I needed to have SOME control. Of course, I didn't. Not really. But having knowledge of Kay's life made me think I had some control even if doing so was making my blood pressure scarily high. I didn't care. I was in martyr mode ,(which does not mean you are, but I was). I would die for my daughter.Thats how much I loved her. Sometimes I seemed to forget that my world included more than just myself and Kay. That others wanted me alive and healthy. It was hard to stop texting her, handing over money when she demanded it, listening to her abusive phone calls, only buying stuff Jaden needed. Not her. No cash. No more cars. No more rent. It is hard even now to know she will be homeless. But....even a slow learner can learn that I really only have control over me. Even an oldtimer like me can chose not to engage in Kay's bad choices and to suffer less by letting her live her life. Wise, it is hard. And it is in God's hands. Your ego will taunt you when you let go.Your ego is the talk in your head about how you are doing the wrong thing, how if you just push hard enough or know the details of your kids messes, you can change them or save them. The ego is not you. I learned to trust my intuition, my higher self, God. It took until Kay was into her 30s. Don't wait so long! Please! Your instincts are wonderful YOU are wonderful, God's child. Your daughter is God's child too and He is with her. He allows her free will but He never leaves her. She only needs listen to Him. Like Kay. So far Kay has not heard Him, but I believe in miracles. I also know I can not influence Kay. If she makes changes, it will be due to herself, due to God. Not due to me. So now I step back and don't know much about her. And no social media. And my life is more peaceful. You will feel saner once your kids move out. Just don't check on them and start cleaning the apartment, like I did. Or paying her delinquent bills. Like I did. These are just suggestions. You have to do it your way like I did. From Nar Anon "Letting go is not to stop caring. It means not to take responsibility for somebody else." Prayers and love. [/QUOTE]
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