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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 753962" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Oh Wise, I am so sorry for all of this ugliness you are experiencing with your daughter. It brought back memories of my struggles with my two. My eldest would act extremely hateful towards me and defy all house rules. It was as if she was begging to be kicked out.</p><p>Reminds me of Cedars explanation of our adult children’s need to leave the nest. She said by allowing them to stay in our homes acting out, we are treating them as beggars, as if they are not capable of taking care of themselves. She expressed it more eloquently than I can, but it explains the resentment. For me, it was such a bitter thing to have an adult child living at home, capable of working, at last helping out somehow. Hubs and I would go off to work only to come home to find her sleeping, nothing done. Always excusing herself from life’s obligations, “I don’t feel well” but well enough to get up in the night to party. It was a vicious vicious cycle. I thought we were being kind, caring. It was not a good arrangement for any of us, daughter included. She became more angry, felt entitled, wouldn’t lift a finger and was rude and disrespectful. It came to a point where I reacted quite angrily, showed her the door and gave her the boot. I am not proud of the way that went down, but looking back, I don’t blame myself either.</p><p>In reading how to work with my grands, I came across an idea for foster parents, a rule setting that involved everyone. Then a contract written and signed by all parties. I will do this with my younger two. It would have not been possible with the eldest, he was running amok.</p><p>It seems the same is happening with your daughter, she feels entitled to do as she pleases. That’s a hard line <em>she</em> has drawn. A challenge. I agree with Copa that this is a power play.It is too bad her therapist has worked against you and hubs. But, with only your daughters version of history, what can she do or say to truly help the situation. Perhaps her advice to your daughter to leave was the most sane thing? Like our parents would tell us? “If you don’t like it, there is the door!”</p><p>I don’t know if you can wait until June dear sister, or if you should? At 21, your daughter is capable of getting a job, her own place, room mates. If life is so horrible for her at home, what is preventing her?</p><p>She is using you and your hubs love for her and robbing you of peace in your home. It is unacceptable. Looking back, I wish that I had sat my daughter down, talked with her and given her a months notice to leave. I don’t know if that would have changed things for her, but I sure would like to have that civilized scene in my head. I did give her many warnings, but let things escalate too far. Until I could no longer stand it. I didn’t want to be home. It was no longer my sanctuary, I was embattled and beaten down, numb as you described it. But that is how our wayward adult kids continue as is. When we are weakened by all of the bs, that we can’t see or think straight. It is the Rabbit Hole. The first step is recognizing what is going on. Which you are. Both of your kids are disrespecting your home, your rules, you and hubs. Stop blaming yourself for allowing it. You are only further victimizing yourself. That’s not healthy. It’s not like our kids become this overnight, it is slow, and insidious. We are knocked flat, who ever thought our beloveds would grow up and be such jerks? We would do anything to have our loving children back. But that is also their ace in hand.</p><p>That we love them.</p><p>But, love says no.</p><p>No, you can’t live here and walk all over me.</p><p>We can only do what we can and still be able to look ourselves in the mirror.</p><p>I think that standing up for ourselves to maltreatment from our adult children is a very valuable lesson to <em>them</em>.</p><p>Thou shall not disrespect thy parent.</p><p>Period.</p><p>You got this Wise, you will figure out what is best. Please know you are not alone in whatever you decide.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p><p>Happy Thanksgiving to all!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 753962, member: 19522"] Oh Wise, I am so sorry for all of this ugliness you are experiencing with your daughter. It brought back memories of my struggles with my two. My eldest would act extremely hateful towards me and defy all house rules. It was as if she was begging to be kicked out. Reminds me of Cedars explanation of our adult children’s need to leave the nest. She said by allowing them to stay in our homes acting out, we are treating them as beggars, as if they are not capable of taking care of themselves. She expressed it more eloquently than I can, but it explains the resentment. For me, it was such a bitter thing to have an adult child living at home, capable of working, at last helping out somehow. Hubs and I would go off to work only to come home to find her sleeping, nothing done. Always excusing herself from life’s obligations, “I don’t feel well” but well enough to get up in the night to party. It was a vicious vicious cycle. I thought we were being kind, caring. It was not a good arrangement for any of us, daughter included. She became more angry, felt entitled, wouldn’t lift a finger and was rude and disrespectful. It came to a point where I reacted quite angrily, showed her the door and gave her the boot. I am not proud of the way that went down, but looking back, I don’t blame myself either. In reading how to work with my grands, I came across an idea for foster parents, a rule setting that involved everyone. Then a contract written and signed by all parties. I will do this with my younger two. It would have not been possible with the eldest, he was running amok. It seems the same is happening with your daughter, she feels entitled to do as she pleases. That’s a hard line [I]she[/I] has drawn. A challenge. I agree with Copa that this is a power play.It is too bad her therapist has worked against you and hubs. But, with only your daughters version of history, what can she do or say to truly help the situation. Perhaps her advice to your daughter to leave was the most sane thing? Like our parents would tell us? “If you don’t like it, there is the door!” I don’t know if you can wait until June dear sister, or if you should? At 21, your daughter is capable of getting a job, her own place, room mates. If life is so horrible for her at home, what is preventing her? She is using you and your hubs love for her and robbing you of peace in your home. It is unacceptable. Looking back, I wish that I had sat my daughter down, talked with her and given her a months notice to leave. I don’t know if that would have changed things for her, but I sure would like to have that civilized scene in my head. I did give her many warnings, but let things escalate too far. Until I could no longer stand it. I didn’t want to be home. It was no longer my sanctuary, I was embattled and beaten down, numb as you described it. But that is how our wayward adult kids continue as is. When we are weakened by all of the bs, that we can’t see or think straight. It is the Rabbit Hole. The first step is recognizing what is going on. Which you are. Both of your kids are disrespecting your home, your rules, you and hubs. Stop blaming yourself for allowing it. You are only further victimizing yourself. That’s not healthy. It’s not like our kids become this overnight, it is slow, and insidious. We are knocked flat, who ever thought our beloveds would grow up and be such jerks? We would do anything to have our loving children back. But that is also their ace in hand. That we love them. But, love says no. No, you can’t live here and walk all over me. We can only do what we can and still be able to look ourselves in the mirror. I think that standing up for ourselves to maltreatment from our adult children is a very valuable lesson to [I]them[/I]. Thou shall not disrespect thy parent. Period. You got this Wise, you will figure out what is best. Please know you are not alone in whatever you decide. (((Hugs))) Leafy Happy Thanksgiving to all! [/QUOTE]
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