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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 648012" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I love this. This must be where I am, what I am learning, now. I do feel little pricks of resentment and I don't try to talk myself out of them, now. I don't wonder so much what kind of mother (or person) thinks like this as often as I find myself saying, "Stop it."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son needed to learn to stand for himself too, Sheila. If we don't believe in them, if we don't believe in our hearts that they can and should and must do for themselves as the adult men they are, what kind of message are we sending?</p><p></p><p>We are their mothers. </p><p></p><p>What we say, how we say it, what we expect of them ~ all of this matters.</p><p></p><p>It took forever (and I am still hard at work, here on the site), but I am learning the words to say. I am learning to discipline my thoughts. I am able to identify when I begin to spiral into panic or guilt or worry or that deep and awful sadness that seems to leach the color from everything. One (sometimes really small) step at a time, I am learning a different, healthier, and ultimately, more respectful way of seeing both my children and myself.</p><p></p><p>I am still pretty shaky if there has been a time of peace, because I revert back to myself. But that's okay.</p><p></p><p>Here are some of the words to say:</p><p></p><p>"Oh, no, honey! I'm so sorry this is happening. <em>What are you going to do?</em>"</p><p></p><p>"Oh, no honey! I'm so sorry this is happening. <em>You are smart and strong and I know you will come through with flying colors."</em></p><p></p><p>"No money. I am not subverting your life or independence any more. You can do this, and I expect you to succeed."</p><p></p><p>"I expect you to behave like the man your father and I raised you to be."</p><p></p><p>"You are a man. You do not need your father and I to support you. When we do give you money or worry about where you will live, or take responsibility for you in any way, it weakens you and makes you dependent. We are not doing that any more. Not to you, and not to ourselves. We want to see you in charge of your life. We want to see you living your life like the man we raised you to be."</p><p></p><p>"No money."</p><p></p><p>"Addiction is a terrible thing. I love you too much to watch you self destruct."</p><p></p><p>"Addiction is a terrible thing. It breaks my heart to know you have to fight such a hard battle. I will not help you destroy yourself with drugs. No money. No help with housing or medical. Stop using. Your addiction is destroying my life."</p><p></p><p>(This part, the part about the difficult child addiction destroying our lives, is new. As I am working so hard to be healthier, I am coming to resent the pain and the terrible, endless, bottomless sadness ~ years and years of it.)</p><p></p><p>"You father and I loved you, taught you, sacrificed for you; we dreamed wonderful dreams for you. We deserve better. Stand up."</p><p></p><p>I know how hard this is, but I liked reading that your intention is to put the sadness aside for a time. That is how we get through: we put the sadness away, for a time. In time, we have more happiness than sadness in our lives, again.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you a wonderful day with much gentle laughter, and with healing in it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>This helped me. It is a Buddhist practice, I think. I still do this, in the bad times. In the shower, with the warm water splashing and coursing over you, think: </p><p></p><p>"Grasp the vine. Cup your hands, and...drink."</p><p></p><p>Then, hold your hands, palms up, beneath the flow of the water. Cup your hands, and drink.</p><p></p><p>This practice calms and centers and nourishes me, somehow.</p><p></p><p>Another:</p><p></p><p>When we get socked with bad news, we (I do, anyway) go into a kind of shock. We cannot think rationally. We fixate and circle and worry. Unless the news has been really bad, this helps me:</p><p></p><p>This is a Buddhist practice too, I think.</p><p></p><p>So, take a deep, slow breath. Say: "I never did mind, about the little things."</p><p></p><p>Whatever it is, that is what you say after the slow, deep breath: "I never did mind, about the little things."</p><p></p><p>Then, you smile.</p><p></p><p>That's it.</p><p></p><p>This helps me very much, when I can remember to do it before I am overwhelmed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 648012, member: 17461"] I love this. This must be where I am, what I am learning, now. I do feel little pricks of resentment and I don't try to talk myself out of them, now. I don't wonder so much what kind of mother (or person) thinks like this as often as I find myself saying, "Stop it." My son needed to learn to stand for himself too, Sheila. If we don't believe in them, if we don't believe in our hearts that they can and should and must do for themselves as the adult men they are, what kind of message are we sending? We are their mothers. What we say, how we say it, what we expect of them ~ all of this matters. It took forever (and I am still hard at work, here on the site), but I am learning the words to say. I am learning to discipline my thoughts. I am able to identify when I begin to spiral into panic or guilt or worry or that deep and awful sadness that seems to leach the color from everything. One (sometimes really small) step at a time, I am learning a different, healthier, and ultimately, more respectful way of seeing both my children and myself. I am still pretty shaky if there has been a time of peace, because I revert back to myself. But that's okay. Here are some of the words to say: "Oh, no, honey! I'm so sorry this is happening. [I]What are you going to do?[/I]" "Oh, no honey! I'm so sorry this is happening. [I]You are smart and strong and I know you will come through with flying colors."[/I] "No money. I am not subverting your life or independence any more. You can do this, and I expect you to succeed." "I expect you to behave like the man your father and I raised you to be." "You are a man. You do not need your father and I to support you. When we do give you money or worry about where you will live, or take responsibility for you in any way, it weakens you and makes you dependent. We are not doing that any more. Not to you, and not to ourselves. We want to see you in charge of your life. We want to see you living your life like the man we raised you to be." "No money." "Addiction is a terrible thing. I love you too much to watch you self destruct." "Addiction is a terrible thing. It breaks my heart to know you have to fight such a hard battle. I will not help you destroy yourself with drugs. No money. No help with housing or medical. Stop using. Your addiction is destroying my life." (This part, the part about the difficult child addiction destroying our lives, is new. As I am working so hard to be healthier, I am coming to resent the pain and the terrible, endless, bottomless sadness ~ years and years of it.) "You father and I loved you, taught you, sacrificed for you; we dreamed wonderful dreams for you. We deserve better. Stand up." I know how hard this is, but I liked reading that your intention is to put the sadness aside for a time. That is how we get through: we put the sadness away, for a time. In time, we have more happiness than sadness in our lives, again. Wishing you a wonderful day with much gentle laughter, and with healing in it. Cedar This helped me. It is a Buddhist practice, I think. I still do this, in the bad times. In the shower, with the warm water splashing and coursing over you, think: "Grasp the vine. Cup your hands, and...drink." Then, hold your hands, palms up, beneath the flow of the water. Cup your hands, and drink. This practice calms and centers and nourishes me, somehow. Another: When we get socked with bad news, we (I do, anyway) go into a kind of shock. We cannot think rationally. We fixate and circle and worry. Unless the news has been really bad, this helps me: This is a Buddhist practice too, I think. So, take a deep, slow breath. Say: "I never did mind, about the little things." Whatever it is, that is what you say after the slow, deep breath: "I never did mind, about the little things." Then, you smile. That's it. This helps me very much, when I can remember to do it before I am overwhelmed. [/QUOTE]
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