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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 197537" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>Well, I wish I could say that I was handling this with maturity and grace. I mean, I am, but I'm not. I did <em>not</em> go and buy myself a pack of cigarettes. I haven't smoked in 15 years. I know it's totally self destructive, but dang I want to go pick up a pack of smokes and tell them to all F-off because it was going to make me feel better right now, and darn (not darn) the consequences because nothing feels worse than right now! But I didn't. </p><p></p><p>I <em>did</em> pour myself the fullest glass of wine I have ever poured in my life. I stopped there because it was already open and that's all that was in the bottle. I think I may open another. I'll pour smaller glasses, but I'm not guaranteeing how many I'll fill or drink. Sometimes making the best of your life just ***** when the people that <em>should</em> care don't.</p><p></p><p>But, I am also putting the hardware on my kitchen cabinet doors. Luckily the holes are already there and I can't mess it up too much in a drunken stupor. And it gives me something that I have to get my act together and finish if not tomorrow, some day soon. I may set up a dinner for Saturday with friends which will mean that I have to sober up and take care of my house which smells of cats even though we have dogs. Go figure... Nothing in my life makes sense.</p><p></p><p>There is an overwhelming desire to self destruct. Get a pack of smokes, slam doors, yell at anyone who can't get away from me, tie on a drunk, skip doing my homework in class that I have to do, you name it. I may be halfway to three sheets to the wind, but I have to tell you, being a hero, being a warrior mom, is all about not giving in to all the selfishness that is tying one on and making everyone around you miserable because someone made you miserable. (Just quietly tie one on, if you have to. You'll regret it soon enough.) It doesn't mean it ever gets easy to let go. Life just HOOVERS (Suz that's for you) sometimes. And then there is something beautiful that brings you back to a better reality. Too bad it's autumn and there aren't many flowers or birds or things outside my window to jump in my face and say "Look at how wonderful I am and I'm sharing myself with you!" I guess I will have to sober up and go looking for it. Tomorrow in the daylight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 197537, member: 99"] Well, I wish I could say that I was handling this with maturity and grace. I mean, I am, but I'm not. I did [i]not[/i] go and buy myself a pack of cigarettes. I haven't smoked in 15 years. I know it's totally self destructive, but dang I want to go pick up a pack of smokes and tell them to all F-off because it was going to make me feel better right now, and darn (not darn) the consequences because nothing feels worse than right now! But I didn't. I [i]did[/i] pour myself the fullest glass of wine I have ever poured in my life. I stopped there because it was already open and that's all that was in the bottle. I think I may open another. I'll pour smaller glasses, but I'm not guaranteeing how many I'll fill or drink. Sometimes making the best of your life just ***** when the people that [i]should[/i] care don't. But, I am also putting the hardware on my kitchen cabinet doors. Luckily the holes are already there and I can't mess it up too much in a drunken stupor. And it gives me something that I have to get my act together and finish if not tomorrow, some day soon. I may set up a dinner for Saturday with friends which will mean that I have to sober up and take care of my house which smells of cats even though we have dogs. Go figure... Nothing in my life makes sense. There is an overwhelming desire to self destruct. Get a pack of smokes, slam doors, yell at anyone who can't get away from me, tie on a drunk, skip doing my homework in class that I have to do, you name it. I may be halfway to three sheets to the wind, but I have to tell you, being a hero, being a warrior mom, is all about not giving in to all the selfishness that is tying one on and making everyone around you miserable because someone made you miserable. (Just quietly tie one on, if you have to. You'll regret it soon enough.) It doesn't mean it ever gets easy to let go. Life just HOOVERS (Suz that's for you) sometimes. And then there is something beautiful that brings you back to a better reality. Too bad it's autumn and there aren't many flowers or birds or things outside my window to jump in my face and say "Look at how wonderful I am and I'm sharing myself with you!" I guess I will have to sober up and go looking for it. Tomorrow in the daylight. [/QUOTE]
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