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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 400932" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You sound like you've already come a long way doen the road to resolving this.</p><p></p><p>A few thoughts - first, he's male. And young (by my standards). As you said, he didn't get much time with you as a couple without kids. Blokes have a different attitude to sex and sexual matters, as a rule. They can flirt and to them it's mostly about the physical release. They can have a very strong emotional tie to their partner, but still cheat emotionally even knowing it is wrong, because of the thrill of it and the physical outlet. You can bet, even if he is not physically having sex with anyone else, he is fantasising and getting off on it. It's a bloke thing.</p><p></p><p>Fantasy is one thing, most people do it. How many times have you visualised Brad Pitt instead of your husband when you have sex? How many of you have a French maid's outfit in the bottom of the wardrobe? I'm not saying it's right, but it is common. It becomes a problem when it brings barriers or secrets.</p><p></p><p>In this case, he could well have got caught up in the fun and thrill of it without anticipating the problems. To him it is probably just fun (and wow, someone from afar finds him attractive, seeks him out and is flirting with him! It is a huge ego boost that he apparently feels he needs). But now he doesn't know how to stop and perhaps wonders if he needs to stop - after all, it's not like he will ever see her or actually do anything. yeah, right.</p><p></p><p>The problem is - it's not fair on you. It's not fair on the kids. And he also needs to know, it's not fair on this woman, who may not (almost certainly does not) realise the relationship you have. Too often the other woman believes it is a dead relationship they're playing with. How often have you heard, "But he said their marriage was over - he was going to leave her for me!" Your husband may not have said anything like this, but some vulnerable women will build up castles in the air and romantic fantasies and believe it, even if it's not been said.</p><p></p><p>Now, I don't know if my husband is/has ever cheated on me or not. I would lay strong odds that he has not. He knows he could tell me, if he had. But we also have a relationship where are are very physical with each other. Not necessarily sex (that can be a problem for us, for various reasons health-related) but in many other ways, we do not take each other for granted. We will grab at each other as we pass, pull in for a hug or long kiss. We hold hands in public (even in church) which has upset some people who find this yucky. Stuff'em. It is the way we are. I can give him what he cannot easily get anywhere else. And vice versa.</p><p></p><p>There was a time, before we were married, where husband got caught up in an emotional relationship with another female. From my own analysis, the other woman pursued him. He walked right into it and had no idea, then found himself in too deep and felt so darn guilty he told me everything. I felt very confident tat he was my man and never any other woman's. He introduced me to this other woman - she as his friend, me as fiance. He did not see the look she gave me - pure poison. She had known she was chasing someone else's man and had continued anyway. And when she met me, she knew she had lost. Had actually never had a chance. husband, the darling oaf, never saw it at all. He is a darling, honest, naive man who was blundering through his romantic life in one straight line, and various women who threw themselves at him were hanging on his coattails and he had no idea of their emotional investment, because he was only looking at me. You can't know what it does for a girl's ego.</p><p></p><p>But we do have to keep working at it. He gets tempted, I'm sure of it. it is my job to make sure he gets more out of being married to me happily, openly and honestly, than out of going behind my back and having an illicit affair. Please note - I write this knowing he will be reading every word, before I get to talk to him about it. We not only share passwords but he reads every word I write.</p><p></p><p>Another concern about your husband - if you have a go at him for being secretive, will he be able to attack you for spying on him? Mind you, I do think you are justified and he has no grounds to get snippy. But be prepared for him to possibly get snippy and have your answer ready.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. And good for you to work on things and resolve them. Too many people walk away, which frankly is a lot more difficult in the long run with all the complications it causes.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 400932, member: 1991"] You sound like you've already come a long way doen the road to resolving this. A few thoughts - first, he's male. And young (by my standards). As you said, he didn't get much time with you as a couple without kids. Blokes have a different attitude to sex and sexual matters, as a rule. They can flirt and to them it's mostly about the physical release. They can have a very strong emotional tie to their partner, but still cheat emotionally even knowing it is wrong, because of the thrill of it and the physical outlet. You can bet, even if he is not physically having sex with anyone else, he is fantasising and getting off on it. It's a bloke thing. Fantasy is one thing, most people do it. How many times have you visualised Brad Pitt instead of your husband when you have sex? How many of you have a French maid's outfit in the bottom of the wardrobe? I'm not saying it's right, but it is common. It becomes a problem when it brings barriers or secrets. In this case, he could well have got caught up in the fun and thrill of it without anticipating the problems. To him it is probably just fun (and wow, someone from afar finds him attractive, seeks him out and is flirting with him! It is a huge ego boost that he apparently feels he needs). But now he doesn't know how to stop and perhaps wonders if he needs to stop - after all, it's not like he will ever see her or actually do anything. yeah, right. The problem is - it's not fair on you. It's not fair on the kids. And he also needs to know, it's not fair on this woman, who may not (almost certainly does not) realise the relationship you have. Too often the other woman believes it is a dead relationship they're playing with. How often have you heard, "But he said their marriage was over - he was going to leave her for me!" Your husband may not have said anything like this, but some vulnerable women will build up castles in the air and romantic fantasies and believe it, even if it's not been said. Now, I don't know if my husband is/has ever cheated on me or not. I would lay strong odds that he has not. He knows he could tell me, if he had. But we also have a relationship where are are very physical with each other. Not necessarily sex (that can be a problem for us, for various reasons health-related) but in many other ways, we do not take each other for granted. We will grab at each other as we pass, pull in for a hug or long kiss. We hold hands in public (even in church) which has upset some people who find this yucky. Stuff'em. It is the way we are. I can give him what he cannot easily get anywhere else. And vice versa. There was a time, before we were married, where husband got caught up in an emotional relationship with another female. From my own analysis, the other woman pursued him. He walked right into it and had no idea, then found himself in too deep and felt so darn guilty he told me everything. I felt very confident tat he was my man and never any other woman's. He introduced me to this other woman - she as his friend, me as fiance. He did not see the look she gave me - pure poison. She had known she was chasing someone else's man and had continued anyway. And when she met me, she knew she had lost. Had actually never had a chance. husband, the darling oaf, never saw it at all. He is a darling, honest, naive man who was blundering through his romantic life in one straight line, and various women who threw themselves at him were hanging on his coattails and he had no idea of their emotional investment, because he was only looking at me. You can't know what it does for a girl's ego. But we do have to keep working at it. He gets tempted, I'm sure of it. it is my job to make sure he gets more out of being married to me happily, openly and honestly, than out of going behind my back and having an illicit affair. Please note - I write this knowing he will be reading every word, before I get to talk to him about it. We not only share passwords but he reads every word I write. Another concern about your husband - if you have a go at him for being secretive, will he be able to attack you for spying on him? Mind you, I do think you are justified and he has no grounds to get snippy. But be prepared for him to possibly get snippy and have your answer ready. Good luck with this one. And good for you to work on things and resolve them. Too many people walk away, which frankly is a lot more difficult in the long run with all the complications it causes. Marg [/QUOTE]
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