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visited difficult child I at the shelter today %$%^#$^#&*
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 203073" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>Is it possible that your dad is using your difficulties with difficult child I to manipulate you? If it were me, I would be terribly uncomfortable with him taking on any kind of role at this point that wasn't one that the two of you had discussed and agreed was appropriate and helpful to you as a parent. This seems like undermining you both when he was at home and now that he is gone as well.</p><p></p><p>Your son reminds me an awful lot of what happened with M at that age. He's got a stubborn streak a mile wide. So long as he is getting sympathy from grandpa - or anyone else who is being triangulated with you - it's going to be very difficult to get him to set aside the facade of "tough victim". With him being so close to 18 years old, I feel like it is going to be very difficult for him to want to do anything other than be on his own. The way that he told you he wanted to live in a shelter, the totally unacceptable behavior when you visit, the drawing grandpa in... it's not going to be good. I think you need to keep difficult child II out of it as much as possible, and probably put your parents on notice that their input isn't not appreciated. This is parenting in the trenches, not time for every family member to chime in. If they want a part in this, their role should be to back you up to the nines, no questions asked. Your parents got to parent you, and your difficult child II will get to parent his own. This is <em>your</em> child and <em>your</em> life. Don't let them detract from you or distract you.</p><p></p><p>I feel really bad for you having to go through this situation. I don't see your oldest as moving back home. I think that what will happen is that he will be transitioned into his own living situation. It hoovers, I know. But he's old enough that you're not going to get much help from anyone with trying to figure out how to make a successful living situation at this point. </p><p></p><p>Are you yourself getting to the point that you will be able to get out of your parent's home soon? You and your boys are under an awful lot of pressure while you live there. I know it's a struggle financially, but is there any organization that can help you get back on your feet? Perhaps a recommendation from Al-Anon or something? Your son needs a serious wake-up call, and I don't think it's one he is going to hear from you. This is one he is going to have to lear on his own.</p><p></p><p>I hope I am not sounding dismissive, and I am offering my thoughts as a matter of experience and knowing how long it can take for everyone to let go and regroup. I know how hard this is for you. He doesn't want anything to do with you for now. He's using you as his scapegoat. He needs to find that place inside of him where you are the mom that he loves. Not the mom who is the disciplinarian, lawyer, doctor, decision maker mom.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I'm wrong about him. I know I don't really know him. It's what I see from the outside looking in, and with <em>my</em> personal experience, so I could be way off. But I think that whatever happens, the way that your son is drawing everyone in and fighting the inevitable change that is to come, it won't happen soon. All I know is that in hindsight, even after M was gone but still in transitional living, I held on for far too long. All of us would have moved on more quickly if I had been more savvy and more adult about letting go.</p><p></p><p>{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 203073, member: 99"] Is it possible that your dad is using your difficulties with difficult child I to manipulate you? If it were me, I would be terribly uncomfortable with him taking on any kind of role at this point that wasn't one that the two of you had discussed and agreed was appropriate and helpful to you as a parent. This seems like undermining you both when he was at home and now that he is gone as well. Your son reminds me an awful lot of what happened with M at that age. He's got a stubborn streak a mile wide. So long as he is getting sympathy from grandpa - or anyone else who is being triangulated with you - it's going to be very difficult to get him to set aside the facade of "tough victim". With him being so close to 18 years old, I feel like it is going to be very difficult for him to want to do anything other than be on his own. The way that he told you he wanted to live in a shelter, the totally unacceptable behavior when you visit, the drawing grandpa in... it's not going to be good. I think you need to keep difficult child II out of it as much as possible, and probably put your parents on notice that their input isn't not appreciated. This is parenting in the trenches, not time for every family member to chime in. If they want a part in this, their role should be to back you up to the nines, no questions asked. Your parents got to parent you, and your difficult child II will get to parent his own. This is [i]your[/i] child and [i]your[/i] life. Don't let them detract from you or distract you. I feel really bad for you having to go through this situation. I don't see your oldest as moving back home. I think that what will happen is that he will be transitioned into his own living situation. It hoovers, I know. But he's old enough that you're not going to get much help from anyone with trying to figure out how to make a successful living situation at this point. Are you yourself getting to the point that you will be able to get out of your parent's home soon? You and your boys are under an awful lot of pressure while you live there. I know it's a struggle financially, but is there any organization that can help you get back on your feet? Perhaps a recommendation from Al-Anon or something? Your son needs a serious wake-up call, and I don't think it's one he is going to hear from you. This is one he is going to have to lear on his own. I hope I am not sounding dismissive, and I am offering my thoughts as a matter of experience and knowing how long it can take for everyone to let go and regroup. I know how hard this is for you. He doesn't want anything to do with you for now. He's using you as his scapegoat. He needs to find that place inside of him where you are the mom that he loves. Not the mom who is the disciplinarian, lawyer, doctor, decision maker mom. Maybe I'm wrong about him. I know I don't really know him. It's what I see from the outside looking in, and with [i]my[/i] personal experience, so I could be way off. But I think that whatever happens, the way that your son is drawing everyone in and fighting the inevitable change that is to come, it won't happen soon. All I know is that in hindsight, even after M was gone but still in transitional living, I held on for far too long. All of us would have moved on more quickly if I had been more savvy and more adult about letting go. {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} [/QUOTE]
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visited difficult child I at the shelter today %$%^#$^#&*
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