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waiting for the other shoe......
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 284074" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>The time you are spending with your other kids will help you detach. It is hard to let go especially when you know that for now, the kid is incapable of good decisions. However, detach is what you need to do.</p><p> </p><p>You will always have that "waiting for the other shoe to fall" feeling every time you think about difficult child. You need to train yourself to redirect your thoughts. He is an adult who is out of the house and your strength in not giving into his life choices will be the best thing for him right now.</p><p> </p><p>Make a statement such as, "Do not ask anything of me until you have a stable life." I don't know how best to phrase that but you must come up with something and stand behind it. Repeat that statement to him and yourself whenever you start thinking about that other shoe. It is o.k. to hang up on him if he starts pushing you into an argument. You do not want to argue and you do not have to. He can call back when he is able to be respectful. He doesn't follow your advise so why give it anymore? I will give my kids one set of advise and when they reject it, I refuse to come up with an alternative plan for them. I used a statment similar with my teenage daughter. Whenever she wanted anything, I would state the phrase and hang up. I used that phrase to focus my feelings on. To keep myself from getting involved in her excuses. It was my rock, my defense.</p><p> </p><p>If you want him to received treatment, you can use that, "You are not to ask anything of me until you successfully complete inpatient treatment." Then remind yourself that your boundary in this must be held strong. You will have nothing to do with him. That is your boundary. Now it is up to him to decide if he wants to cross it. Just like with anyone else. For example, one of my boundaries is that I refuse to spend time with anyone who is constantly drunk. No matter if they are a friend or relative. I can not force them to keep from being drunk but I can choose to stay away when they are drinking. I am not going to be judgemental - I have no right to that - but I do have the right to set up the life around me. I would set that boundary with anyone. I don't spend time with anyone who disrespects me or is drunk. </p><p> </p><p>You can do the same. You can choose not to let his life choices bring you so far down. It is hard but it is possible. You have made a great step in refusing to help him with the ER. Keep standing up to him. Keep detaching - he gets NOTHING from you. You are no longer his safety net.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 284074, member: 5096"] The time you are spending with your other kids will help you detach. It is hard to let go especially when you know that for now, the kid is incapable of good decisions. However, detach is what you need to do. You will always have that "waiting for the other shoe to fall" feeling every time you think about difficult child. You need to train yourself to redirect your thoughts. He is an adult who is out of the house and your strength in not giving into his life choices will be the best thing for him right now. Make a statement such as, "Do not ask anything of me until you have a stable life." I don't know how best to phrase that but you must come up with something and stand behind it. Repeat that statement to him and yourself whenever you start thinking about that other shoe. It is o.k. to hang up on him if he starts pushing you into an argument. You do not want to argue and you do not have to. He can call back when he is able to be respectful. He doesn't follow your advise so why give it anymore? I will give my kids one set of advise and when they reject it, I refuse to come up with an alternative plan for them. I used a statment similar with my teenage daughter. Whenever she wanted anything, I would state the phrase and hang up. I used that phrase to focus my feelings on. To keep myself from getting involved in her excuses. It was my rock, my defense. If you want him to received treatment, you can use that, "You are not to ask anything of me until you successfully complete inpatient treatment." Then remind yourself that your boundary in this must be held strong. You will have nothing to do with him. That is your boundary. Now it is up to him to decide if he wants to cross it. Just like with anyone else. For example, one of my boundaries is that I refuse to spend time with anyone who is constantly drunk. No matter if they are a friend or relative. I can not force them to keep from being drunk but I can choose to stay away when they are drinking. I am not going to be judgemental - I have no right to that - but I do have the right to set up the life around me. I would set that boundary with anyone. I don't spend time with anyone who disrespects me or is drunk. You can do the same. You can choose not to let his life choices bring you so far down. It is hard but it is possible. You have made a great step in refusing to help him with the ER. Keep standing up to him. Keep detaching - he gets NOTHING from you. You are no longer his safety net. [/QUOTE]
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