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Waiting is the hardest part
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 703312" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>It has been a long time since I have posted, I am trying to literally and figuratively reinvent myself after hubs passing. It is a whole different existence, really. What it has taught me is how short and fragile life is. I am so sorry for all of our struggles with our beloveds. Going through photo albums and cherished memories, I have wished for the days gone by when life was a bit simpler. If only it were that easy, to turn back the hands of time and change that moment/moments when the kids took that misstep and stumbled on this hellish journey.</p><p>Addiction is complicated. Enabling is more so, then even still a puzzlement is knowing where to draw the line. How do we send the message that we love our children so much, yet cannot tolerate their chosen lifestyle? I am still trying to figure it out. Going between self protect, to <em>acceptance</em>, or is it a sort of novacaine on the soul? <em>Numbing</em> that intense motherly love from the sting of reality and immense heartbreaking, gut wrenching knowledge that my two are struggling with these lifestyle choices that causes them so much difficulty and much grieving for their family? Do I <em>accept</em> that? Really and truly <em><strong>shouting from the rooftops.....NOooooooooooo!</strong></em> But, I do understand that I have my limitations. And yet..........</p><p> Are we all in some sort of macabre play? An alter-reality? The sheer energy it takes to just deal with all of this, and carry on working, taking care of daily necessities is <em>mind</em> <em>blowing</em>.</p><p>Then, throw in holidays. Huh. What a mess.</p><p>I have been dealing with this <strong><em>stuff</em></strong><em> a <strong>long, long time. </strong></em>It took this site, many months of posting, losing my mate and months of dealing with that to come to this point. "You do you Leafy." I can accept who I am with all of my faults and try the best I can to do better. To self nurture and sustain myself so that I can function.....to take baby steps towards even yes........finding joy.</p><p>RN, you are a wonderful, kind loving person. Your son has that gawd awful gene or whatever it is that makes him an addict. Addiction sucks. It sucks the life out of <em>everything</em> and <em>everyone</em> in its path,<em> if we let it.</em></p><p> I am nowhere near cured, of my rollercoasterism, it is just not as extreme as before and <em><strong>I know</strong></em> that I cannot have my two at home. I also realize a very big component of the illness that having addicted adult children <em>causes parents. </em></p><p>It is a compulsion to throw ourselves, needs and lives under the proverbial bus to try and <em>cure/fix</em> our children. It gets to the point where self nurturing seems <em><strong>selfish</strong></em>. So many posts have I read where folks write "How can I find joy when I know my son/daughter is out there?"</p><p>I think what is most important about this site is that it is a soft place to land. We all arrive here pretty shell shocked and beaten down from years of this. We all have our own unique experiences and personalities and journey to find our way back to <em>balance</em>, to reinventing ourselves in the horror of this. </p><p>What I focused today on my walk was this</p><p> "You do you, Leafy....."</p><p> I wanted to share that with you RN. "You do you...." You have grown leaps and bounds and you will continue to grow on this path that addiction has thrown us all on.</p><p>Take it or leave it, the wild rant and vent of a widow with two addicts out there, we are all walking on this tight-rope trying to find our balance, a way back to ourselves despite what the kids do.</p><p> No matter what we do, <em><strong>they</strong></em> <strong><em>will do what they do anyway. </em></strong></p><p>I hope I haven't offended anyone. I am claiming widows brain this year. My well kids say that has a time frame.....but I don't think so. I am finding my way, slowly but surely.</p><p>I see that you all are too. After all, we can only do our best with what we have at the time we have it.</p><p>I am so thankful for this site, and the wonderful folks here. Haven't posted in a while, but I have been following along while in survival mode and <em>super</em> busy with my boy.</p><p>RN, go to Florida and enjoy yourself and have an <em><strong>awesome</strong></em> Thanksgiving. Do what nurtures and sustains YOU! You do you RN!</p><p>Much love,</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 703312, member: 19522"] It has been a long time since I have posted, I am trying to literally and figuratively reinvent myself after hubs passing. It is a whole different existence, really. What it has taught me is how short and fragile life is. I am so sorry for all of our struggles with our beloveds. Going through photo albums and cherished memories, I have wished for the days gone by when life was a bit simpler. If only it were that easy, to turn back the hands of time and change that moment/moments when the kids took that misstep and stumbled on this hellish journey. Addiction is complicated. Enabling is more so, then even still a puzzlement is knowing where to draw the line. How do we send the message that we love our children so much, yet cannot tolerate their chosen lifestyle? I am still trying to figure it out. Going between self protect, to [I]acceptance[/I], or is it a sort of novacaine on the soul? [I]Numbing[/I] that intense motherly love from the sting of reality and immense heartbreaking, gut wrenching knowledge that my two are struggling with these lifestyle choices that causes them so much difficulty and much grieving for their family? Do I [I]accept[/I] that? Really and truly [I][B]shouting from the rooftops.....NOooooooooooo![/B][/I] But, I do understand that I have my limitations. And yet.......... Are we all in some sort of macabre play? An alter-reality? The sheer energy it takes to just deal with all of this, and carry on working, taking care of daily necessities is [I]mind[/I] [I]blowing[/I]. Then, throw in holidays. Huh. What a mess. I have been dealing with this [B][I]stuff[/I][/B][I] a [B]long, long time. [/B][/I]It took this site, many months of posting, losing my mate and months of dealing with that to come to this point. "You do you Leafy." I can accept who I am with all of my faults and try the best I can to do better. To self nurture and sustain myself so that I can function.....to take baby steps towards even yes........finding joy. RN, you are a wonderful, kind loving person. Your son has that gawd awful gene or whatever it is that makes him an addict. Addiction sucks. It sucks the life out of [I]everything[/I] and [I]everyone[/I] in its path,[I] if we let it.[/I] I am nowhere near cured, of my rollercoasterism, it is just not as extreme as before and [I][B]I know[/B][/I] that I cannot have my two at home. I also realize a very big component of the illness that having addicted adult children [I]causes parents. [/I] It is a compulsion to throw ourselves, needs and lives under the proverbial bus to try and [I]cure/fix[/I] our children. It gets to the point where self nurturing seems [I][B]selfish[/B][/I]. So many posts have I read where folks write "How can I find joy when I know my son/daughter is out there?" I think what is most important about this site is that it is a soft place to land. We all arrive here pretty shell shocked and beaten down from years of this. We all have our own unique experiences and personalities and journey to find our way back to [I]balance[/I], to reinventing ourselves in the horror of this. What I focused today on my walk was this "You do you, Leafy....." I wanted to share that with you RN. "You do you...." You have grown leaps and bounds and you will continue to grow on this path that addiction has thrown us all on. Take it or leave it, the wild rant and vent of a widow with two addicts out there, we are all walking on this tight-rope trying to find our balance, a way back to ourselves despite what the kids do. No matter what we do, [I][B]they[/B][/I] [B][I]will do what they do anyway. [/I][/B] I hope I haven't offended anyone. I am claiming widows brain this year. My well kids say that has a time frame.....but I don't think so. I am finding my way, slowly but surely. I see that you all are too. After all, we can only do our best with what we have at the time we have it. I am so thankful for this site, and the wonderful folks here. Haven't posted in a while, but I have been following along while in survival mode and [I]super[/I] busy with my boy. RN, go to Florida and enjoy yourself and have an [I][B]awesome[/B][/I] Thanksgiving. Do what nurtures and sustains YOU! You do you RN! Much love, (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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