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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 128518" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>good morning Linda. Sleep is evading me, too. I have been just reminiscing about the long hard years from difficult children birth to the present. It has been a very hard difficult road, filled with not just bumps in the road but times when the road seemed to disappear altogether. The only thing I would change would be......well, I dunno. certainly there are a LOT of things, if they had been in MY power to change, I would. No bipolar, no bad genetics, the last 2 hours I have even been wondering if I would pursue treatment at all if I had to do it all over again. I really do not know. </p><p>I have been trying to decide if it helped at all or not. I have been trying to decide if it maybe harmed her. Her psychiatrist thinks it might have. I tend to agree. BUT .....what did we know? Heck, the docs did not even know. SO the ONLY conclusion I came to tonite (this morning) was that I am profoundly grateful my difficult child is alive........and here......right here......and just about anything else just does not really matter to me at the moment. </p><p></p><p>LOL, we never did have the ability to just pick up and do things, LOL, been under heavy responsibility ever since..well, since I was 12 for sure. Actually it is right NOW that I have been haveing my first freedoms of MY whole life. and difficult child is right there beside me, LOL and I do mean RIGHT there. Oh in the most literate sense. But it's OK cuz.she is mine, and I love her, even while I am thinking oy vey calgon take me away. </p><p>I often think I would not be bothering to be finding any of Lifes little (or big) joys if I were not haveing the kids hands to grab to show THEM Lifes joys. </p><p></p><p>Be sure, my kids do not always enjoy it. They are not always up to it. Buffy gets way way down, or she goes disassociative, and the rest of us kinda sit here and look at each other for a bit. husband gets psychotic and we all just stop in our tracks and wait, a minute, a week, whatever. </p><p></p><p>we are NOT Norman Rockwell, be sure. Oh the kids yikes do they fight. 2 girls 18 months apart to the day, and as different in looks, size, abilities, interests, personalities as can possibly be. and then the young son. </p><p></p><p>Believe it or not many of those memories with the kids, have to do with psychiatric hospital stays, psychiatric hospital visits, psychotic episodes.....either Buffys or mine or DHs.......visits from CPS.......various therapists etc. It was after all, part of our life, the kids will recall those things and tease each other over them, or yell at each other, or poke fun at each other. Sometimes easy child will still get irate at difficult child over some bizarre event of many years ago.</p><p>Other times easy child seems to have forgotten some of the worst times of all. Sometimes difficult child remembers really bad bad times, and will come running to hug easy child and thank easy child for still being her sister, in spite of the hard times. </p><p></p><p>I would venture to say all persons have hard times in their lives, in their childhoods.....siblings have difficulties, families are not always Leave it to Beaver. </p><p>I have 3 cousins born to their mother while she was inpatient in a TB sanitarium, then after that she was in state mental hospital for a few more years. Getting together with those cousins? I used to expect to hear them speak of how hard Life was. They don't. They LOL and discuss the fun times, the good times. They share special recipes their mom had, special little secrets shared with her.....</p><p>Kids will remember the good. People will remember the good. </p><p>My head knows my life was hard, very very hard, and sent to the streets at age 12 to fend for myself. But what I remember is not that so much as my younger siblings and how much fun I had with them. </p><p></p><p>Is life good for my kids now? I do not know. It's Life. THats all. I know for sure it is far from great We have been on vacation exactly ONCE in their life (and mine) We do not go to movies, we do not go on many outings. Daily they grumble. BUT when I hear them talking to their friends, they tell all kinds of good things....little things they remember. Laughing cuz mom said they could try coffee (it was decaf) Happy cuz mom fund a cool tshirt at walmart for them. </p><p>Is my Buffy relaxed> I doubt she would know relaxed from a frog. BUT she can still hold on to a happy moment. And she will still tell it to a friend. I am sure long after I am gone, she will be remembering.....happy things. funny things. </p><p></p><p>Find the joy in the simplest things. Kinda like if you watch the cents the dollars will take care of themself. Take care of little things, and the rest will be there, even if you are not looking, even if you are not even working on it. Maybe the kids will not tell YOU right now...part of that is their age. One day it will hit them, how they maybe liked to ride in the car....even if it was on way to doctor appointment. Or maybe they will like how kichen duty was shared or handled.</p><p> There WILL be something. I am sure of it. </p><p>Even dureing the trauma of y sons eye surgery, and he was under effetcs of anesthesa and would not waken for DAYS.....just yesterday he said to hisfriend, - ya know there i was so messed up, and everything that could go wrong was, with me, my body, and with the hospital and everything. but I remember this silly ....milkshake. it musta been the best one I EVER had. Hmm, yeah, mom went and stole it from nurses station. He was not supposed to HAVE it. and he took ONE sip and threw up.......and I got caught......LOL. </p><p>and I did not even think he was conscious!!!!! </p><p></p><p>You might be surprised. You mght be happily surprised.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 128518, member: 1697"] good morning Linda. Sleep is evading me, too. I have been just reminiscing about the long hard years from difficult children birth to the present. It has been a very hard difficult road, filled with not just bumps in the road but times when the road seemed to disappear altogether. The only thing I would change would be......well, I dunno. certainly there are a LOT of things, if they had been in MY power to change, I would. No bipolar, no bad genetics, the last 2 hours I have even been wondering if I would pursue treatment at all if I had to do it all over again. I really do not know. I have been trying to decide if it helped at all or not. I have been trying to decide if it maybe harmed her. Her psychiatrist thinks it might have. I tend to agree. BUT .....what did we know? Heck, the docs did not even know. SO the ONLY conclusion I came to tonite (this morning) was that I am profoundly grateful my difficult child is alive........and here......right here......and just about anything else just does not really matter to me at the moment. LOL, we never did have the ability to just pick up and do things, LOL, been under heavy responsibility ever since..well, since I was 12 for sure. Actually it is right NOW that I have been haveing my first freedoms of MY whole life. and difficult child is right there beside me, LOL and I do mean RIGHT there. Oh in the most literate sense. But it's OK cuz.she is mine, and I love her, even while I am thinking oy vey calgon take me away. I often think I would not be bothering to be finding any of Lifes little (or big) joys if I were not haveing the kids hands to grab to show THEM Lifes joys. Be sure, my kids do not always enjoy it. They are not always up to it. Buffy gets way way down, or she goes disassociative, and the rest of us kinda sit here and look at each other for a bit. husband gets psychotic and we all just stop in our tracks and wait, a minute, a week, whatever. we are NOT Norman Rockwell, be sure. Oh the kids yikes do they fight. 2 girls 18 months apart to the day, and as different in looks, size, abilities, interests, personalities as can possibly be. and then the young son. Believe it or not many of those memories with the kids, have to do with psychiatric hospital stays, psychiatric hospital visits, psychotic episodes.....either Buffys or mine or DHs.......visits from CPS.......various therapists etc. It was after all, part of our life, the kids will recall those things and tease each other over them, or yell at each other, or poke fun at each other. Sometimes easy child will still get irate at difficult child over some bizarre event of many years ago. Other times easy child seems to have forgotten some of the worst times of all. Sometimes difficult child remembers really bad bad times, and will come running to hug easy child and thank easy child for still being her sister, in spite of the hard times. I would venture to say all persons have hard times in their lives, in their childhoods.....siblings have difficulties, families are not always Leave it to Beaver. I have 3 cousins born to their mother while she was inpatient in a TB sanitarium, then after that she was in state mental hospital for a few more years. Getting together with those cousins? I used to expect to hear them speak of how hard Life was. They don't. They LOL and discuss the fun times, the good times. They share special recipes their mom had, special little secrets shared with her..... Kids will remember the good. People will remember the good. My head knows my life was hard, very very hard, and sent to the streets at age 12 to fend for myself. But what I remember is not that so much as my younger siblings and how much fun I had with them. Is life good for my kids now? I do not know. It's Life. THats all. I know for sure it is far from great We have been on vacation exactly ONCE in their life (and mine) We do not go to movies, we do not go on many outings. Daily they grumble. BUT when I hear them talking to their friends, they tell all kinds of good things....little things they remember. Laughing cuz mom said they could try coffee (it was decaf) Happy cuz mom fund a cool tshirt at walmart for them. Is my Buffy relaxed> I doubt she would know relaxed from a frog. BUT she can still hold on to a happy moment. And she will still tell it to a friend. I am sure long after I am gone, she will be remembering.....happy things. funny things. Find the joy in the simplest things. Kinda like if you watch the cents the dollars will take care of themself. Take care of little things, and the rest will be there, even if you are not looking, even if you are not even working on it. Maybe the kids will not tell YOU right now...part of that is their age. One day it will hit them, how they maybe liked to ride in the car....even if it was on way to doctor appointment. Or maybe they will like how kichen duty was shared or handled. There WILL be something. I am sure of it. Even dureing the trauma of y sons eye surgery, and he was under effetcs of anesthesa and would not waken for DAYS.....just yesterday he said to hisfriend, - ya know there i was so messed up, and everything that could go wrong was, with me, my body, and with the hospital and everything. but I remember this silly ....milkshake. it musta been the best one I EVER had. Hmm, yeah, mom went and stole it from nurses station. He was not supposed to HAVE it. and he took ONE sip and threw up.......and I got caught......LOL. and I did not even think he was conscious!!!!! You might be surprised. You mght be happily surprised. [/QUOTE]
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