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Wanderlust......
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<blockquote data-quote="Shari" data-source="post: 128890" data-attributes="member: 1848"><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Oh, how I feel this right now.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I look back at life before even just wee difficult child, and I SO miss those times. Even the sleepless nights of the newborn difficult child 2. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby so very much. But there are way too many days that I do not love my existence at all.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I struggle at times to let go of that past, or to hang onto just memories. I beat myself up over choices made. difficult child was conceived while my then husband was in the mist of yet another affair, and I had decided to leave and take difficult child 1 with me. But alas, I was pregnant with difficult child 2. I struggled with the decision to have a baby in a failing marriage with a man who was already proven not to be any sort of husband or father, or not. In the end, I had no choice, even tho I taunted myself that I did. And I live with that choice every day.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">But the decision to give difficult child life, at times, seems to have ended mine. My friends are few and far between. My marriage, tho far from perfect, is strained. My other children take back burner. My health is affected. My career is probably hopelessly in the toilet.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I also realize that the things I hold dear are things that half the population, or better, never even notices. In that, I find comfort. Even maybe a bit of blessing that I can live with less, in a sense. But day to day, dealing with the parents of more 'typical' children, I still envy that. I still want that. I want my kid to be able to HANDLE Disneyland. Its not in my cards for right now, so I redefine what I can, throw pity parties when I feel I need to, and get up tomorrow and do it again, cause it dang sure ain't getting better on its own. (tho it may not be, anyway) </span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Shari, post: 128890, member: 1848"] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Oh, how I feel this right now.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I look back at life before even just wee difficult child, and I SO miss those times. Even the sleepless nights of the newborn difficult child 2. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby so very much. But there are way too many days that I do not love my existence at all.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I struggle at times to let go of that past, or to hang onto just memories. I beat myself up over choices made. difficult child was conceived while my then husband was in the mist of yet another affair, and I had decided to leave and take difficult child 1 with me. But alas, I was pregnant with difficult child 2. I struggled with the decision to have a baby in a failing marriage with a man who was already proven not to be any sort of husband or father, or not. In the end, I had no choice, even tho I taunted myself that I did. And I live with that choice every day.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]But the decision to give difficult child life, at times, seems to have ended mine. My friends are few and far between. My marriage, tho far from perfect, is strained. My other children take back burner. My health is affected. My career is probably hopelessly in the toilet.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I also realize that the things I hold dear are things that half the population, or better, never even notices. In that, I find comfort. Even maybe a bit of blessing that I can live with less, in a sense. But day to day, dealing with the parents of more 'typical' children, I still envy that. I still want that. I want my kid to be able to HANDLE Disneyland. Its not in my cards for right now, so I redefine what I can, throw pity parties when I feel I need to, and get up tomorrow and do it again, cause it dang sure ain't getting better on its own. (tho it may not be, anyway) [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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