want answers


Active Member
Do any of you do this? Some days i just want answers, where, when, how, was this or that a lie, blah blah. I feel like if i know the truth it will make me feel better. Why do i have days like that? I know deep down i wont get the truth.


Well-Known Member
I go through that with my stepson also. In my case, I am trying to manage and control his behavior through worrying and fretting. Of course this is doomed to fail and make me crazy in the process.

Al Anon has really, really helped me get better at this, though I am still not perfect.

You don't need to add any more stress into your life. Our difficult children do a plenty good job of that!

Deciding to no longer obsess about your child and their bad decisions will set you free to have a happier life for yourself no matter what the child is doing - especially if the child is an adult. If the child is a minor, then you do have some obligations under the law, but even so, by the time they reach their preteen years they ALL have free will and we cannot control them. In that case, boundaries and consequences including if necessary police and other authorities to regulate the child's behavior, if they won't respond to you. I have been told it is best to be proactive there depending on the situation, since legal consequences (fines, etc) could fall to the parent if the kid is a minor.


Well-Known Member
I second and third what culturanta said.

And I forth it too!!!

Do you work? Have any strong interests or hobbies you can reconnect with? Strong other family ties or great friends? in my opinion it may help if you get out of your mind about your son and do things you love to do or try something new. Al Anon is a great organization if you connect with it.if not, therapy is often very helpful to us.

You seem to be living through your son. You feel despair because you feel he does. But your life is wasted if you try to live through anyone except yourself. You can not make another person your entire life...or you have no life of your own.

I sincerely hope you take your life back. Have a good day.


Well-Known Member
You are exactly right, Teri, when you say you won't get the truth.

In many cases, our difficult adult kids don't know the answers either.

They often don't remember. Their minds were clouded by substances, or it just wasn't a big deal to them and it has slipped from their memory.

Most can't tell you why they do the things they do, or what set them on a different path. It's probably a combination of things.

My particular Difficult Child would often tell us what he thought we wanted to hear. He would tell his mom different things. I remember once she confronted his dad because D.C. Had told his mom that we forced him to go to church (which would be strange, since we didn't go ourselves).

And, yes, we used to obsess about the particulars, but we finally made a conscious decision to stop.

It is a choice.

Sometimes it is a choice to dwell on those questions, and thereby avoid living our lives.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

I have searched for answers for this for many years myself. Analyzing everything over and over again. I am an analyzer!

In the past year I have pretty much stopped doing that. I know that I will not help my son or myself by spending my time doing this.

Sometimes you have to accept that there IS NO ANSWER.

I do believe everything in life happens for a reason and kind of let it go at that.

I am trying to enjoy MY life with my husband and other things in my life that are good.

Focus on the good in your life. This is your son's journey and not yours.