Wasted opportunity due to weed use

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Feelingbroken, Mar 23, 2017.

  1. Feelingbroken

    Feelingbroken New Member

    Hello everyone. This is my first post here on this forum. I write from Great Britain (any British people on here?) in ref to my almost 20 years old son.
    Last year my son went to Uni and failed his first year due to parties and use of substances (weed). Last summer it took us ages to realise whether he smoked pot and how much of it (hubby kept denying son had a drug problem). After finishing his first year he came back home and stayed with us during the summer period. He had the most lazy time ever doing virtually nothing. I work part time so I was able to keep an eye on him. Late August we made the decision to send him back to repeat his first year at Uni. Here in UK students get a student loan so having agreed to get a job it made it possible for him to return. Everything was fine until Xmas. Beginning of January he gave up his job with the excuse of needing more time to study but he went downhill from that time onwards with his Uni course. As a family we feel totally heartbroken. In spite all my love I failed to be a mother to him helped by my husband who always allowed him to get away with everything. We are paying a high price for that now but my husband won't admit his faults. I could write a book. I doubt people would be interested. Today I am here to ask what can I do next?! What kind of support can I give my son if he doesn't want to admit that indeed he has a drug problem?
    His latest idea.... he wants to produce a music album. Although he has lots of talent the type of music he wants to create isn't the so called standard type. I have reasons to believe he has mental issues. In a way he's in danger to himself and others. What do I do now sit here and watch him burn away?? Feeling desperate.
  2. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Welcome Feelingbroken. Many of us here can relate to what is going on with your son. It is an awful place to be where you worry constantly. Weed has stolen so much from my 17 year old son, I could scream. So so many wasted opportunities, I could write a book on that!! From small things all the way to doing so badly in school that his chance of going to college is off the table.

    I could not tell from your post if your son is still at University or back home?
  3. Feelingbroken

    Feelingbroken New Member

    Hello UpandDown.
    First of all sorry to hear about your son. I know the agony you are going through. Is he still smoking weed?
    I don't know about your son but mine keeps saying that it's ok to smoke it because it's not harmless. Rubbish..... it's ruining people's lives.
    Anyway to answer your question my son is repeating his first year. I doubt he'll be able to continue as he's not focusing on his last module. Only had two this year but of course he's far too busy getting stoned rather than concentrate on his future. It's really upsetting.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree about the weed. I don't think it's awful but some people, like alcohol, should stay away from it.

    I just heard something on the news today about millennials and not having the same drive at the same age as other groups to make a life for themselves. DUH. That is an understatement. I had to leave for work before I could hear the actual news story but I think that can attribute to a lot of the problems with the adult children that we all write about on this forum. I am going to do more research about this on line.

    My son is supposed to start full time college in the fall but he just had a relapse. My husband wants to keep pushing him to move forward and grow up and find a way to support himself. Sometimes I wonder if he can even do it but he has to do it. What choice is there? I am not going to support this man child the rest of my life! Thankfully he is in Florida and not in my home. Been there/done that/got the T shirt.

    You will find support here. We all get it. Many of us are going through it after many years of going through it. I am just thankful to have found this forum that offers support and no judgement. We are all trying to push our kids to be the adults we know they can be/that they need to be but we can't lose ourselves in the process. That is the hard part. We could write a book too. I would not want to read it though.

    Take care of yourself, whether you see a therapist or get into some type of group that gives you some peace.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Millenials in my opinion have had it too easy. We put up with things that our parents would have thrown us out for. Of course, we mostly were not going to act like our kifs do anyway. Parents then demanded respect more.

    We buy them cars, phones, nice clothes beyond 18 and beyond what they need. We cant stand for them to be cold, or ride a bike, or walk to work or school if it has snowed. We pay for lawyers when they break into houses or steal. We (some) even pay off drug dealers, or we think we do. Would our parents have done that?

    I am guilty too in some ways but had less money than most here so my kids did not get the monetary perks, although they got passes for some bad behavior.

    We wanted to understand our children and nurture them in ways maybe we felt we didnt get. We, me included, often went too far. We wiped noses that were barely running. I know I did.

    Thats not the way to get our childrens respect or to teach them to stand alone in a tough world where nobody else adores them like we do. Nobody else will run to wipe their noses or ask them why they look sad. We did this out of love but maybe they needed to learn to deal with being sad without our constant bandages ready and waiting.

    We paid a price. They paid a price, being too dependent on us as adults.

    I wonder how millenials will raise their kids.

    Have a great day!
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    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  6. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Feelingbroken. My son is 18 and is also smoking weed. I don't think he realizes how much is has zapped his motivation. He is poised to go to college in the fall, but I predict he will do terribly in his classes. In that event, we will end his educational support and force him to support himself. I sincerely hope he proves me wrong.

    SWOT, I did buy Ferb a car when he was 16 in the hope that he would be motivated to learn to drive. It was an old Saturn. He didn't think it was good enough for him, and refused to take the test in order to get his learner's permit. After 6 months, I sold the car and told him that he'd need to buy his own car. It is 2 years later and he still doesn't have a driver's license. It doesn't seem to be important to him. He walks to work and to school.

    I don't look at it as I have failed him as a mother. I look at it as he is failing himself. It's his life, and he is making some bad decisions. He's young and there is room for him to learn from his mistakes. It would be great if we could take all the lessons that we have learned and drop them into our children's brains. Sadly, that isn't the way it works. They have to head off into the world and make their own decisions. My son has never listened to my advice. Even as a young child. I'm trying to come to peace with the fact that his life path is going to be really rocky and messy. Maybe eventually he will get himself together.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Oh, agree, pigless. They are doing this to themselves.

    My autistic son doesnt drive either. We figured he didnt think it was a good idea if he didnt want to. So we didnt push. He gets around by cab (only $2.00 a ride here) and bike.

    I do think the younger generation is more selfish than we were, but maybe all parents feel that way about the younger generation. We tried very hard to make them happy and give them every opportunity. Some just did not appreciate it, which makes me sad for all of us.
  8. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Pigless, I really like this perspective. I am going to work hard to reframe my thoughts on this. Because although I know I have tried very hard to help my son, I still blame myself all the time. I just always think what if, what if I had found a better school, what if what if. But he has been given so many opportunities and made terrible choices and no matter his weaknesses, he is the one making bad choices. The one lying on the couch watching you tube videos on his phone(he pays for it himself) instead of doing the little bit of school work he needs to do to graduate. He's the one that continually chooses to cope with his depression by smoking, etc etc.

    Feeling Broken, you asked what to do about your son. No easy answer on that but I take away from all these responses that we can't do it for our kids. We need to not make it easy. We need to let them face the consequences on where their choices take them. For your son, I would offer him the chance to get professional help for the smoking. If he is willing to take it,then that is a huge step. If not, then he has to find his way out of the mess. So easy to say, I know! Hang in there, this forum is so helpful. I rarely give advice because I am learning too!
  9. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    husband and I drew a hardline on drug use, including mild marijuana. All of our kids were sat-down when they were approaching the age where alcohol and drugs would be around them (i.e., peers, etc), and husband and I, made it clear to them, do drugs when you're under the roof of this house, you're out.

    As for graduating from high school, we also made it clear to all, you are welcome to remain under our roof providing you work, contribute, and stay out of trouble... deviate from any one of those 3 and you're gone.

    I find it incredibly disrespectful of any child to take advantage of their parents or situation. Life is work. Because I was never hard on any of my kids when it came to grades and other trivial things, I expected the best from them when it came to keeping their noses clean.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Feelingbroken. First I want to respond to your moniker: A feeling is just that. It is not a reality or a true thing. And broken? Broken what? Broken hearted? Broken dreams?

    That is the first assumption to be challenged. Do we feel broken because our children do not realize our dreams for them? Do we feel we failed because they do not launch themselves? How does this compute?

    It was always a fantasy that what we did for them could ever achieve a specific and determined result. We only had control over our own choices. Nothing more. When they were toddlers and small children we could contain them. Or intimidate them. Or incentivize them. As adults? Where is the control?

    Nobody. Not one of us or any other parent can MAKE another grown adult do anything, in a sustained way.

    You may be comparing your child to other children of friends, let us say. OK. But do you know their whole story? No. You know what they present to you, the image. Life stories are composed over time. We do not know the ending. This is where I always get hung up. I get caught up in the moment. By the feelings. By what could be. I scare myself to death. WRONG.

    We cannot write the endings by our fears and our nightmares. This is one stop along the way. I failed my first semester in college. I ended up with a doctorate from the best University in the world (or I think it is, anyway.) I used drugs very occasionally and alcohol much more (stupidly) in University. I sure do not now. Life taught me I was a stupid, stupid girl. And I changed.

    Right now you have control (potentially) only of you: how you treat yourself, how you think of yourself, how you respond to your son, how you think about him and his situation. That is the extent of it. What you will learn here is that you matter, and that self-destruction, self-criticism. self-neglect by you DO NOT HELP HIM and they certainly do not help you.
    Repeat after me: I did not fail as a mother. Repeat after me: this is one moment in time. It will change. No need to be heartbroken. It does not help.
    You can withhold financial support, if you choose. You can put conditions on any money or other sustenance he receives. For starters.

    Like this:
    There are a few. They come and go. We have more Canadians, than British people, I think. And a couple of Australians. We have Europeans, people from Asia, Israel, but most of us, it seems are Americans.

    Welcome. (I am Scot on my father's side. A tea-drinker, too.) Take care. I hope you keep posting. It helps.

    If it seems like I have confidence or know what I am doing, I don't.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2017
  11. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Absolutely, wholeheartedly agree! Considering the few mild episodes husband and I encountered with our gang, I'm grateful. I see so many other families really battling it these days.