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Substance Abuse
Wasted opportunity due to weed use
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709491" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome, Feelingbroken. First I want to respond to your moniker: A feeling is just that. It is not a reality or a true thing. And broken? Broken what? Broken hearted? Broken dreams?</p><p></p><p>That is the first assumption to be challenged. Do we feel broken because our children do not realize our dreams for them? Do we feel we failed because they do not launch themselves? How does this compute?</p><p></p><p>It was always a fantasy that what we did for them could ever achieve a specific and determined result. We only had control over our own choices. Nothing more. When they were toddlers and small children we could contain them. Or intimidate them. Or incentivize them. As adults? Where is the control?</p><p></p><p>Nobody. Not one of us or any other parent can MAKE another grown adult do anything, in a sustained way.</p><p></p><p>You may be comparing your child to other children of friends, let us say. OK. But do you know their whole story? No. You know what they present to you, the image. Life stories are composed over time. We do not know the ending. This is where I always get hung up. I get caught up in the moment. By the feelings. By what could be. I scare myself to death. WRONG.</p><p></p><p>We cannot write the endings by our fears and our nightmares. This is one stop along the way. I failed my first semester in college. I ended up with a doctorate from the best University in the world (or I think it is, anyway.) I used drugs very occasionally and alcohol much more (stupidly) in University. I sure do not now. Life taught me I was a stupid, stupid girl. And I changed.</p><p></p><p>Right now you have control (potentially) only of you: how you treat yourself, how you think of yourself, how you respond to your son, how you think about him and his situation. That is the extent of it. What you will learn here is that you matter, and that self-destruction, self-criticism. self-neglect by you DO NOT HELP HIM and they certainly do not help you.</p><p>Repeat after me:<em> I did not fail as a mother.</em> Repeat after me: <em>this is one moment in time. It will change. No need to be heartbroken. It does not help.</em></p><p>You can withhold financial support, if you choose. You can put conditions on any money or other sustenance he receives. For starters.</p><p></p><p>Like this:</p><p>There are a few. They come and go. We have more Canadians, than British people, I think. And a couple of Australians. We have Europeans, people from Asia, Israel, but most of us, it seems are Americans.</p><p></p><p>Welcome. (I am Scot on my father's side. A tea-drinker, too.) Take care. I hope you keep posting. It helps.</p><p></p><p>If it seems like I have confidence or know what I am doing, I don't.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709491, member: 18958"] Welcome, Feelingbroken. First I want to respond to your moniker: A feeling is just that. It is not a reality or a true thing. And broken? Broken what? Broken hearted? Broken dreams? That is the first assumption to be challenged. Do we feel broken because our children do not realize our dreams for them? Do we feel we failed because they do not launch themselves? How does this compute? It was always a fantasy that what we did for them could ever achieve a specific and determined result. We only had control over our own choices. Nothing more. When they were toddlers and small children we could contain them. Or intimidate them. Or incentivize them. As adults? Where is the control? Nobody. Not one of us or any other parent can MAKE another grown adult do anything, in a sustained way. You may be comparing your child to other children of friends, let us say. OK. But do you know their whole story? No. You know what they present to you, the image. Life stories are composed over time. We do not know the ending. This is where I always get hung up. I get caught up in the moment. By the feelings. By what could be. I scare myself to death. WRONG. We cannot write the endings by our fears and our nightmares. This is one stop along the way. I failed my first semester in college. I ended up with a doctorate from the best University in the world (or I think it is, anyway.) I used drugs very occasionally and alcohol much more (stupidly) in University. I sure do not now. Life taught me I was a stupid, stupid girl. And I changed. Right now you have control (potentially) only of you: how you treat yourself, how you think of yourself, how you respond to your son, how you think about him and his situation. That is the extent of it. What you will learn here is that you matter, and that self-destruction, self-criticism. self-neglect by you DO NOT HELP HIM and they certainly do not help you. Repeat after me:[I] I did not fail as a mother.[/I] Repeat after me: [I]this is one moment in time. It will change. No need to be heartbroken. It does not help.[/I] You can withhold financial support, if you choose. You can put conditions on any money or other sustenance he receives. For starters. Like this: There are a few. They come and go. We have more Canadians, than British people, I think. And a couple of Australians. We have Europeans, people from Asia, Israel, but most of us, it seems are Americans. Welcome. (I am Scot on my father's side. A tea-drinker, too.) Take care. I hope you keep posting. It helps. If it seems like I have confidence or know what I am doing, I don't. [/QUOTE]
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