We need to post more to keep this resource.

[BusynMember1]

I check here periodically. Do you feel as I do that the board is dying? Getting sparse?

The last time I posted, I was attacked by somebody because the person felt my post would upset people and that she had a need to preserve this board. But nobody but runaway bunny has that job in my opinion. That scolding others will make people more timid to post. in my opinion.

That rubbed me wrong but also made me wonder if the board is surviving anyway. I am sad to see few new posters and the ones who are here pulling back.

I am going to attempt to posr once a week regardless of criticism. My hope is to keep the board going.

Happy Holidays to all. As a gift to each other maybe we can all keep posting one a week. This has been a good resource for many.

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate and many blessings and love to everyone.

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry Busy. I believe I am the one who you felt attacked by. I am nobody and in no position to scold anybody. And, I have pulled back greatly from posting.

What I reacted to, and it was wrong of me, was something in myself. A knee-jerk need to deny what is in front of my face. I have a great need to hold onto fantasy and hope, not only because of my son but because of my own past. I seem to have needed to blot out my own feelings of pain and despair. So what we are talking about here is a projection on my part. The need to blot out in others, what is really in me. In the past year especially I am more aware, but this doesn't account for the pain I have caused by my self-limitation.

It's ironic that in the first few years I was here, I reacted to somebody in the same way you experience me. I saw her as critical and overbearing and negative. I am seeing that what I reacted to in her, was the mirror image of myself. I am sorry, Busy.

I will comment now on your observation about the board. I think the board is in transition. I see a number of old members returning and little by little new members coming on. I think for the past couple of years the board has become gentler and more self-disclosive. We are bringing more of ourselves here. For good and ill. Those are just my thoughts. Like you, I believe there is a great commitment to this board, as well as a great need for it. I also believe this board can tolerate honesty and clear voices, and difference--as well as vulnerability. I am grateful to you for your honesty. I would like to believe you appreciate my own.

 

[ksm]

Busy...when I read the post you mentioned, I did not feel that Copa or anyone scolded you. There was someone who responded in such a way to your post that made things very political, as in one party is right and the other party was the cause of all the problems. People responded to that person, not you, that political posts were not appropriate. Not your post... I'm sorry you felt it was intended that way.

I agree with you that the board is slowing down. I remember not being able to keep up with all the new posts and the responses to them. I remember your first posts and me suggesting AlAnon to you. Now I see you suggesting the same thing to others! Its a great place to learn new ways to cope.

I don't know what has changed...if this site doesn't pop up on searches like it used to?

When I have time, I'll post my latest quandaries... so much stress right now.

Ksm

 

[BusynMember1]

Thank you, Copa and ksm.

When I am.in pain I need to explain why. Everyone does. If we can't, the board then may be useful to the person who criticizes but not to me. If I or anyone else leaves it will lack more people, more voices. That's in my opinion not a good thing.

A lot of times nobody posts, especially new people. I would not be surprised if this good resource shuts down at this rate, but I don't want that so I will make an effort to show up as long as I am given support. I can not control what issues happen with my daughter but I need to be able to explain them or the board doesn't help me.

Let's try to be compassionate....what I posted was horrifying to me. We need to post to keep things going. I got more criticism than support about what had brought me to the board that day. I wanted to hear how other parents deal with adult kids who nonstop talk about conspiracy theories and added that my daughter was terrified.

I felt alone and as if I were bad for posting about Kay's issues and fears. But I digress to the issue of slowness on the board.

Maybe the pandemic slowed things down? Let's keep posting to help each other.

Love and hugs to all and no anger toward anyone

 

[Helpless29]

I check here periodically. Do you feel as I do that the board is dying? Getting sparse?

The last time I posted, I was attacked by somebody because the person felt my post would upset people and that she had a need to preserve this board. But nobody but runaway bunny has that job in my opinion. That scolding others will make people more timid to post. in my opinion.

That rubbed me wrong but also made me wonder if the board is surviving anyway. I am sad to see few new posters and the ones who are here pulling back.

I am going to attempt to posr once a week regardless of criticism. My hope is to keep the board going.

Happy Holidays to all. As a gift to each other maybe we can all keep posting one a week. This has been a good resource for many.

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate and many blessings and love to everyone.

This site has helped me so much through all my pain & hurt , I always don’t post but come to read all the new posts. I will be posting tomorrow to update on my son . Merry Christmas to all the wonderful people on this site that helped me through all my difficult times.

 

[Copabanana]

I had forgotten that thread. I was writing about another time. Unfortunately, what I wrote about myself, fits again. The wanting to make it better. The wanting to take away the pain and fear. And what did that do? It made you feel as if I was shutting you up, judging you when nothing could be further from my intent. I was searching for more moderate ways to understand what was happening with Kay, as a means of reassuring you, not to minimize your fear or suffering. I recognize I made you feel worse, by not hearing your pain.

I am so very sorry. Everybody's suffering here is important. Nobody's hurt or fear should be minimized. Anybody who causes pain and suffering should be called out.

I agree with ksm. Which is not to minimize in any way your complaint about me. There was somebody on that thread that began to make polarizing statements about vaccines, politically inflammatory statements to exacerbate conflict. What you wrote about Busy, is what we all write about, which is the off the wall behavior of our children, and our fear, frustration or anger in reaction to such behavior. Everybody who commented on that thread understood your experience and empathized with how you felt. Including me.

Unfortunately, you heard what I wrote as judgemental. I was not judging. I was trying to be kind. In my stupid way. You heard me as trying to shut you up. And then heard the comments that came afterward as directed towards you, when they were not. I am so very sorry. I bet if you go back and look at the thread you will see it in another way.

I don't think anybody who posts here now posts with ill will. I think there can be insensitivity, but however wrong and bad, that is not intentional, I don't think. People can learn, if they are confronted gently, and given room to try again. Of course, there are always personalities that don't mesh. Maybe you react to my voice, for example, like fingernails on a chalkboard. But thing is, at heart, we are the same. At heart, our pain is the same. At heart, our experience is even the same. The more we post the more these commonalities carry the day and they will blot out the differences. I believe that.

As a result of this thread, I will come back again and begin posting more. We need each other. None of us feels the support in our lives from most others around us, however loving and caring, just don't get it.

Thank you Busy and everybody.

 

[Copabanana]

I don't know what has changed...if this site doesn't pop up on searches like it used to?

I never thought of that. A while back RB changed the platform or whatever you call it to this new one. She said that the old one was no longer supported. I wonder if something changed, and this new one is not integrating in the same way with the search engines. But I feel we have lost a lot of old members, at the same time that a few old-timers are coming back.

I remember how much stability there was here for the first few years after I came, with so many people who had been here for such a long time. How supported I felt. We all knew each other so well. Not only each other's stories, all of the ins and outs, but each other's personalities and quirks. There was so much trust. I don't know what happened. So much of that safety net and intimacy seems to be gone. Can it be rebuilt? I think so. It seems like there was at one point,2 or 3 dozen regular posters. I mean all of the time. I knew at my height I could post 30 times a day on dozens of threads. lol.

And when we were in crisis, we would post each and every nuisance, blow by blow. So many crises. So many stories. So much love.

I wonder what RB thinks is happening.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Hi everyone,
I think the site is less busy due to the following (in order of most likely)
1. Search engine optimisation - I found this site by Googling my son's issue, now it never comes up even if I Google "conductdisorders" ! Try it.
2. People with our difficult children's issues are going elsewhere e.g. Facebook groups, BPDFamily.com, and sites that deal with specific disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorders or drug issues.
3. A general changing in the way we are looking at and dealing with these issues. Most of us seem to be aged 55-65. Perhaps the upcoming generation are facing different types of problems, or dealing with them differently. But I'm speculating now! I do think the search engine thing needs looking at if possible.

 

[MissLulu]

I love this board and will try to post more. I agree, Busy, it would be a terrible shame to lose this place. Facebook etc doesn’t suit me because I have a public profile and want to preserve my anonymity.
Busy, re your last post, I believe that the comments about not being political were absolutely not directed at you. Sometimes this form of communication leads to misunderstandings and I think this might be one of those times.
In any case, I’m very glad you are still here. Many of your posts, and Copa’s, and so many others have helped me. I’m doing okay at the moment and it’s time for me to give back to this place a little more than I have been.

 

[KTMom91]

I've been around for twenty years, off and on. I came here with a nine year old who was hard to handle, ADHD (heavy on the H), ODD, and the board gave me tips on dealing with the school and how to deal with her at home. As our kids grew up, some were more successful than others, and the board wasn't needed as much. People dropped out, the kids grew up, and the issues have changed. I see more of addiction problems than ever before, and since I have no experience with that, I rarely respond, though I do check in.

Holidays are often a slow time, mainly because the kids are home and there isn't the time to get online and post. Weekends are slow, too. The Old Guard, that helped me so much, are mostly gone, hopefully it's because their kids are doing well and not because they feel too hopeless to post. In any case, please know that there are people all over the world who share in your situations and are here to help.

Many hugs going out to all the warrior parents who are still fighting for their kids.

 

[Nomad]

Agree with KT. Yes...the holidays have traditionally been slower. And wonder if what Waitingfora miracle mentioned is extremely pertinent...I simply don't know too much about this topic.

I too have been here a very long time. I do think the board was much more active years ago. We had a few people, that surely must have made this their part time job, spending perhaps 3-4 hours daily answering people. There is one person...I think her name was Kris, that was outstanding. She had a lot of wisdom. She passed away some time ago. There were others that were very similar. The previous owner, had a little extra time and it was not uncommon for her to spend an hour or so daily doing the same. Answer questions...offering ideas. There were a handful of these intelligent, kindly and empathetic women who were doing this regularly. This is likely contributed to extra activity.

Geez...honestly, I was so lost especially at the beginning of this journey...this board was extraordinarily helpful. Personal experience is often a tremendous help. As well as kindness and empathy.

I do wonder if what, if anything, changed all that. I can tell you, it can be a little addicting. I often myself, spent an hour or more almost every day. (This was much more in the past).

At some point....I had some personal responsibilities that did not allow for an hour a day. Perhaps more like 15 minutes every few days. I'm doing something like that now. Oddly, it can be almost easier if you work in an office and you are on the computer a lot and you can stop by for 5-10 minutes once or twice a day.

I tend to come back, even though our child is now an adult child. I'm grateful to those who helped me. Besides...even though our adult child is better in certain ways...her diagnosis seems to tend to lend itself (let's just say) strange and taxing situations.

I can say that it's extremely important to avoid negativity when at all possible. As a side note...perhaps it's due to all that is going on in the world...this has become way too common.

Anyway, as we all know, what we face as parent's of children that are "different" in certain ways...this stuff is hard ...often beyond belief...beyond it seems within one's ability to cope. One woman was hard on me and it truly was simply "too much." We only get a "snap shot" of the story. So...that is part of the situation to consider. We can only offer empathy and ideas to consider.

I''ll try to come a bit more often. It truly is a vital and special place. I know I've been very grateful. (apologies for typo)

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Yes, although I am a 'new member', I have only recently registered and have been here reading past posts and being greatly helped for about 3 years now. I grew so paranoid about my son spying on my when he was here that I dared not even write details of his activities. But reading other's experiences was invaluable!

 

[ahhjeez]

I am sorry Busy. I believe I am the one who you felt attacked by. I am nobody and in no position to scold anybody. And, I have pulled back greatly from posting.

What I reacted to, and it was wrong of me, was something in myself. A knee-jerk need to deny what is in front of my face. I have a great need to hold onto fantasy and hope, not only because of my son but because of my own past. I seem to have needed to blot out my own feelings of pain and despair. So what we are talking about here is a projection on my part. The need to blot out in others, what is really in me. In the past year especially I am more aware, but this doesn't account for the pain I have caused by my self-limitation.

It's ironic that in the first few years I was here, I reacted to somebody in the same way you experience me. I saw her as critical and overbearing and negative. I am seeing that what I reacted to in her, was the mirror image of myself. I am sorry, Busy.

I will comment now on your observation about the board. I think the board is in transition. I see a number of old members returning and little by little new members coming on. I think for the past couple of years the board has become gentler and more self-disclosive. We are bringing more of ourselves here. For good and ill. Those are just my thoughts. Like you, I believe there is a great commitment to this board, as well as a great need for it. I also believe this board can tolerate honesty and clear voices, and difference--as well as vulnerability. I am grateful to you for your honesty. I would like to believe you appreciate my own.

Copa, please don't pull back from posting. I read that thread and I understood that you were not posting to Busy, but to the member who was posting inflammatory political things. You've been a wonderful support to me in the past and I look forward to reading your posts.

 

[Copabanana]

I wrote to RB asking about her thoughts on site traffic and activity. She wrote back that registrations and visits here are up, but what is down is posting. She sent me a graphic that shows activity for the past 2 years or so, and indeed, activity except for posting is up.

 

[Nandina]

I googled this site and what Waitingforamiracle said is true about search engine optimization. The site does not come up if you search for conduct disorder. I wonder what has changed? It should be at the top of the list.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Nandina

Runaway Bunny says that she will talk to her IT person and ask if optimization features can be added on. She said it was not included in this platform that she had to change to because the other was no longer being supported. All of that is over my head, but it certainly does seem important to me.

 

[BusynMember1]

I am going to stay. However if my posts are ever seen the way this one was and if responses change from my fear for my daughter to how I can't say something about that fear because of something like this I won't continue to post. Then I am not in sync with the group here. When upset about Kay.. I need to be able to express why. If I can't nobody knows what is upsetting me. Sometimes I read things I don't agree with here but I don't call it out in a way that would take away from the message. I hope I am expressing this okay.

Please try to remember the state of mind all of us are in when we post about our.kids. Don't worry about me...I am strong. But others...I think we have to pay attention to the main messages and stay there. I still have no answers from here as to how others deal with what I asked about . The post went off topic. My Nar Anon group helped. This resource however is some people's only place to get a hand squeezed and a virtual hug and some wise words in the midst of chaos. Those hopefully new people who will post want to be able to speak freely. I want to also. Runaway Bunny is in charge, nobody else. A quiet nudge to her privately in my opinion us better than a public display of disapproval of somebody's cry for help. Jmo of course. That way the poster is not derailed and Bunny can handle it discreetly. I would have privately asked for that one posters political response to be removed. By the public outcry it made his blurb important and my cry for help small. I felt very shocked and hurt.

This is how I saw it. Again I am not angry. I wanted to have my turn to express myself. Maybe...it helped somebody. I don't know.

Love to all of you.

 

[MissLulu]

Busy, love to you.
I count you as one of my friends here and always look forward to your posts. I’m sorry you didn’t get the help you needed last time you posted.
For my part, I welcome hearing whatever you have to say about Kay, whenever you need to say it.

 

[Nandina]

The offensive post was removed.

 

[BusynMember1]

Yes it was removed but that removed post became the topic of the post I started. It's no biggie this time but I again urge people to keep their personal gripes private between yourself and Runaway Bunny. We all come here about our kids and it is often.hard for us to post. There is.no reason for anyone to try to tell others what to post or what not to post right on the forum. It is is in my opinion much kinder to just quietly post your concern privately to Runaway Bunny. Nobody else here is a moderator and Runaway is awesome. in my opinion let her handle issues about posts. Bring them to her in PM please You don't have to say "I reported this." That made me feel, since it was my post, that I was a bad girl who did something hurtful. And it was a bad day already for me so perhaps I was overly sensotive. But we come here feeling vulnerable sad and confused. For myself and others please take gripes to RB in private. Jmo.

I am done with the topic now. I had my say.

With every fiber of love I have in my heart for all of you, I send prayers and hugs.