Weird/sad move by best friend

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    husband and I are going through a very difficult time. Just a bunch of weird stuff including my crazy health problems and a series of unfortunate difficulties. But what troubles us the most is our best friends did something hurtful recently. Please note, I may ask a moderator to remove this thread at some point in the future.

    husband and I have been VERY good friends with another couple for just shy of 30 years. We use to live in the same neighborhood. Later we moved in different directions and although we didn't see each other as often, still kept in close contact. Talked on the phone often and visited for most holidays, etc. WE both have two children, extremely similar in age as my children. The kids have been close (her daughter even accepts our difficult child as a friend). I'm best friends with the wife and my husband is very good friends with the husband. Perhaps since our family is small, they have gone out of their way to call us "like family," many many many times! She often ends telephone conversations with "I love you!" and I do the same.

    You might say they are from an ethnic background. We've always enjoyed this. It has never been an issue.
    They have always been a very large, close knit family. Many from my friend's immediate family are upper middle class. Others are from all walks of life. To our shock, about two years ago, there was a big argument in the extended family, directed directly toward our friends. We stuck by our friends. This actually changed things a bit...causing a certain split in the family. It was a very hard time for them.

    One of their children is getting married. (The son) My best friend (the wife) told me from the beginning that she was worried that she wouldn't be able to invite everyone she was hoping to invite. I took it to mean that there was a chance I might not be invited. But, I hoped for the best. I advised her to tell people right away if they weren't going to be invited and tell them sincerely what was going on and how she felt about it. (Keep in mind, due to the split in the family, many relatives who normally would have been invited, are not getting an invitation)

    However, to my surprise, not only did she not invite me and my husband, she told us on the late side. She said that her side of the family only had 85 guests to invite. Her son had 25 close friends he needed to invite, so that only left her with 60 guests of family and friends. This was somewhat understandable, but she made the mistake of letting me know, that she begged the bride's family for one more table and recently, they gave in and gave her one more table. She didn't say how many guests are per table, but she DID let me know that I still wasn't getting an invitation.

    Well, that last piece of information was over the top for me. It was hard enough to know that we weren't going to get an invitation, but when she added that she got this extra table and we still weren't going to be HURT AND HURT BADLY. Hard to say for sure, but I think she is inviting 2nd and 3rd cousins. Perhaps this is a cultural thing....not sure. And she said she sent the invitations a long time ago, so there likely was already a cancellation or two. Geez. At the end of our conversation, she mentioned a relative and spouse in this other country who haven't responded and she doesn't think can afford to go and she was going to call them and insist that they respond and then she said she could get me their invitations. WHAT???? So, I politely said that we wouldn't be going...and she seemed shocked.

    She called the next day and offered to take me to lunch as almost a consolation price. I said "ok," very reluctantly...honestly, I'm fairly sure I was in a state of shock!

    You might say that maybe we weren't close friends. Not true! They have been dear friends, going out of their way for us, etc. Both ways. Just nice people. So....maybe this is a cultural thing.....???
    Not sure. But, it does hurt.

    At some point, I'm thinking of telling her that I'm hurt....but "let's move on." I think the entire thing is just so disturbing , confusing and incongruent. Can someone shed some light on this???? :(

    A growth experience...for sure!
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    WOW! I would be hurt as well. Especially when the offer for tickets came late after someone else couldn't come.

    It may very well be a cultural thing but considering they most likely had to cut some family out to keep the numbers down??? Would 2 seats have been that big a deal? I can see saying just adults or something since it is such a tight number.
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I guess my first thought is, did they limit the original list to only family? If so maybe, while thoughtless of them to not make that clear, they really are trying to figure a way for you to attend?
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you both!!!!!
    Lil, they did not limit the original list to family per say, but made it very clear that family was a priority. Not sure, but since we've known them for so lOng and know most of the current family oddities, there does seem to be a few strange / peculiar invitations to very extended family. A few non family members were invited due to having an unusual connection to the groom in some way...BUT in both cases they also have a very similar cultural connection.
    I guess the things that make us so uncomfortable is that they often say we are "like family." This is unsolicited by us. Maybe the key word is "like." They seem to have invited a few somewhat distant relatives and a few that I'm not sure they even like due to the recent family argument. But maybe they are using the wedding to try to patch things up with certain people or rekindle old relationships...very unsure.
    I guess it also made us feel VERY uncomfortable when she lucked out and got the extra table and we STILL weren't invited.i was doing halfway decently up until that point.
    I guess I'll never know the entire story, but I'm hurting.
    They dropped another bombshell...they are putting their house up for sale right after the wedding. I knew they were considering it due to financial concerns, but didn't know when.
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Well then maybe it is cultural/religious. Is the bride of the same culture? If everyone there is of the same culture/religion, perhaps they think you would feel out of place...or make others uncomfortable.

    Otherwise, I can't imagine being so thougtless to a good friend.

  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    The brides mother is from a similar culture, but her dad is, not. I guess if I were hard pressed, he would be like us. (husband and I) sorry so cryptic...

    So, yes, that might be a small possibility, the cultural difference.

    But, I had thought thirty years would be sort of a breakthrough kind of deal. And it's hard for me to think about this couple even wanting an ultra ethnic wedding. ....???

    Sort of like having a difficult child...I can't explain this and it hurts big time.
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are hurting, here is another side. My difficult child got married in Nov. The bride's family told us we have x amount of tables. (Our side had 3, they had 10) They were the ones paying. No way was that enough, forget having any, ANY of our friends. So what, it was difficult child's day. I never put anything like displeasure out there. At a very late date the bride's mother, out of the blue dropped, off 3 invitations (wow) for any "friends" we wanted to invite. She did this after finding out we paid for the honeymoon.

    You know what your relationship is with them, nothing changed. Try not to be hurt. We didn't invite any friends, only family with those extra 3. Please don't take it personally. I wouldn't expect anyone to take it personally of those I didn't invite. It was a family thing, there were so many we never get to see, plus they never see each other. That's why. We did have some who called the day of the event and cancelled, it was a shame I couldn't let someone else come. $150 wasted! Ask if you can come to the ceremony and if someone doesn't show, they'll ask you to the reception.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    How awful UAN! 3 vs 10 is well...
    I was doing fine until I found out she got the extra table. I thought our thirty year friendship and the constant calling us " just like family" would sort of put us there! BUT I DO understand what you are saying and appreciate your input and logical / experienced point of view. Thank you!!!
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    The heart of this is that you love these people. Because she seemed shocked at the chill of your having declined the last minute invitation and then, immediately called to ask you for lunch, my take on it is that though she hurt you, that was never her intent.

    Dress well, meet your friend determined to love yourselves through whatever this is. Tell her that you are hurt, and how that feels. True friendship requires honesty. There are going to be times, even between the closest friends, when something happens that we don't understand.

    That is what I hear in your post.

    That you do not understand.

    After the luncheon, you will have time to think through what you know, and what you have heard.

    Then, you can decide.

    Give this close friendship the time it merits now, Nomad.

    Know that I wish both yourself and your friend a warm, open, successful time, and that I hope you come away from this luncheon with your friendship not only intact, but deeper.

    It is true that it takes more courage to stay the course, to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, to risk the vulnerability of telling someone they have hurt us. But, remember that song about having been a fool for lesser things?

    I think a friendship of thirty years is definitely one of those things worth risking feeling a little foolish over.

    I hope it works well for all of you, Nomad.

  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    • Cedar....many thanks. Tonight this is where I was headed, but you solidified, validated and confirmed my thought process. Just a tough time, but my head is clearer. Thank u! :)
    • PSNow I'm trying to decide if I should send a gift. I'm going back and forth. I lean toward yes, but husband leans toward no. And we are both unsure:(
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am in 100% agreeance with Cedar. If you love her son and want to show your happiness and support for his new marriage, send a gift. I'm thinking it would be kinda petty to withhold a gift from their son when he probably had very little input in the guest list - his new wife's family and his parents seemed to have the control.
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    LDM...that's how I see it. Nice chance he(son) would not have invited third cousins etc. the family hardly knows. The parents also invited some relatively new good friends because their son and daughter are relatively good friends with their kids. Kind of like our own dynamic, but newer. The parents have gotten close to this couple, particularly in the last two years. That's four people. So, they did invite friends, not just family. BUT, these folks have a similar cultural background. So, a little of that may have been in the decision making. BUT, esp if she continues to wish to talk about it, I will tell her I'm confused and hurt, but do wish to move forward. I will likely send a the way, husband says she won't show up for lunch because she knows I'll speak up about how I feel. She's cancelled about four lunches in the last six months.., I'm guessing she chickened out; was going to tell me then.
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2014
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are very close to the couple getting married. A gift is a token of your wish for their happiness. I would send one.

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  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Also, I think Cedar hit the nail on the head. Rough patches in friendships are so gard, especially in longstanding ones. Many hugs, Nancy.

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  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thanks trinity...and everyone. Had to give the gift a little thought, but I'm fine now. Although husband is still on the fence about it, I'm SURE in my mind that a gift would be appropriate and something I know I WANT to do and feel GOOD about doing it. husband is unsure, but says he will honor my feelings about it.i think he will come around in due time anyway.
  16. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I had the opposite of your experience recently. H and I are friendly with another couple. We see them 3 or 4 times a year, with another couple or two, for dinner. We have never socialized with them alone. My oldest son knows their youngest from Hebrew school but hasn't seen or spoken with him in 10 years. Our other children are much younger than theirs and I'd actually never even ever met their daughters, despite knowing them for over 15 years.. We live about 10 minutes apart,

    H and I were invited to their daughter's engagement party. I felt like it was a blatant grab for a gift but we went because my 2 other friends were going. IF we get invited to the wedding, I'm not going. I wasn't even introduced to the bride-to-be or her fiancé at the party.

    In your situation, I can understand the sadness of not being invited but, remember, as the parents of the groom, your friends have less control. They may be trying to patch up their family issues by inviting the extended family members. It sounds like they are having money woes, so they can't even offer to pay for more tables. I would suck it up, send a gift of less value than had you attended in person and ask her to send you a picture of the bride and groom. She might have invited the new people because they may know the bride.
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Wow, ??? And extra ??? That you weren't introduced to the bride to be at the engagement party. i agree, if you get invited to that wedding, no real need to go. Maybe the parents invited you as part of that friend group you all go out with together??? Yes, I think there is a certain connection with that other set of friends and the bride. Perhaps their daughter knows the bride. My friend was fortunate that the bride's family recently paid for them to have an extra table...but still no room for us anyway :( BUT I'm doing so much BETTER today...just so difficult and so nice to get off my chest. Thank u!
  18. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    After being through three weddings with my kids and all the surrounding drama around who to invite, I have given up wondering about the who's, how's, and why's. The whole wedding thing seems to have gotten kind of out of hand, in my opinion. My daughter is a Maid of Honor for her girlfriend and she will be so glad when it's over. This girl isn't a Bridezilla or anything, but she has no kids, no mortgage, makes a lot of money, and she wants what she wants. My poor daughter, a public school teacher, is trying to figure out how to manage her breastfeeding son for the out-of-town Bachlorette Party (I mean, really??), pay her mortgage, and absorb all the expenses involved in being in someone else's wedding. I'm actually having to help her financially to manage this. She's trying to be accommodating, but she's an older first time bride and she has certain non-negotiable expectations.

    And then we got invited to our neighbor's daughter's wedding. We aren't close at all, and yet, we went (an out of town wedding even) and a had a great, but slightly weird time.

    My husband and I have been excluded from a couple of weddings that surprised us, but I went onto the the couple's registry and bought a gift and sent it to them. With family, weirdness can run deep and I'll bet there's no agenda to hurt you. She's probably in a stuck place, too.
  19. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    HMB...sounds stressful! I was just thinking of our son's destination wedding. Generally speaking, I'm not a big fan of those. It does cause added stress and some folks just can't do it.
    I suspect most, if not all, weddings have their issues.
    I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt me. I guess I might question certain things...certain priorities, etc. but that probably isn't really fair of me. I'm sure she feels stuck. It's been confusing and difficult, but I accept it.
  20. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Nomad -

    If these newer friends know the bride as well, your friend and her son may be getting pressure to invite them. I think you and husband should take the money you'd have spent on this wedding and treat yourselves to a nice time together on that day. It would probably be more fun than sitting at a wedding with many people you don't know. I kind of consider not getting invited to most places a reprieve from having to spend money I'd rather use for other things and the like.

    If my kids get married (4 boys , 1 girl), I will likely have to bite my lip 4 times and half a fifth at least. My daughter is dating a great guy and, though they are too young now (in my humble opinion) at 22, if they choose to marry, I would urge her to invite as many people as she can. We had 250 at ours but in order to accomplish that, we rented an empty hall, decorated it ourselves, made our own guest cards, laid out cameras instead of hiring a photographer, hired a professional bartender to make sure the drinks weren't poured too strong and to cut off anyone who got drunk, made a deal with the liquor store and had it catered, buffet style, by a client of H's who owned a restaurant. I bought my dress at a wholesaler and had H's tailor alter it for me. The only thing I splurged on was the cake and, frankly, if I was to do it again, I'd get a Costco cake. My daughter and her boyfriend are outdoorsy, nature-loving, quinoa-eating, natural deodorant, Croc-wearing types, so I can't even imagine what her ideal wedding would be like.
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