AtWitsEndinTN
New Member
Hey all, just found this place this morning and have literally spent the day reading countless posts and replies. I've found myself multiple times feeling like finally I am not alone as well as ordering some books I've seen in other posts off Amazon.
So how did I end up here? I am a 37 year old father of a 17 year old son who turns 18 in just 3 short weeks. I had my son when I was 19, his mother bailed when he was 5 months old and never came back but he and I have had a great relationship for so many years. I coached his sports from 5-12, we played paintball with his friends, I was the "cool" dad to all his friends (never let them do anything just they enjoyed coming over and playing pool, swimming, etc.). He got into swim in high school and I made sure, despite me having to travel for work, that I never missed a single meet. We were going to colleges to visit, he was making great grades, I made him get a job on his 16th birthday and he had saved up almost $3,000 working at Taco Bell. Life was good. I never got to go to college and he was going to get to live out my dream. My son! All the hard work was so worth it, we're in a good financial position so I could afford to pay for his school, he even got several scholarships to cover more than half of the costs. Life was going well.
Then last Thanksgiving. I find out he had been using pot. He came home one night and although I have no sense of smell, could smell weed and tell he was stoned. He had driven himself home while stoned... I was furious at all of the multiple thoughts that entered my head about what if he hurt himself, someone else, all the possibilities. Admittedly, I eventually just wrote it off as "hey he is just going through some of the usual experimental phases, hell I did that too." When I was home, he was ok. When I traveled my wife would text me or email me things saying he looked like he was high, he was tripping out, etc. They never had a "great" relationship and I wasn't seeing any evidence of this when I was home so I failed her and never really set boundaries, rules, etc. Life is going along, he appears to be ok, sure they don't get along great but they aren't at each other's throats so he'll be off to college soon and life will work itself out like it always does right?
Wrong... 2 weeks before Thanksgiving this year, his car engine blows out (he had a perfectly fine car, 2012, picked it due to safety ratings). We are doing well, I go buy him a new car, a 2014 seden very low miles in hopes it's the car that will safely get him to and from college 90 miles away for the next 4 years. Again we go along, 6 days of the week are fine, 1 is suspect he is up to something but I write it off in my head not wanting to believe my little angel is up to no-good because everything on paper looks fine right? I get a text with a screenshot of a social media post where my son is passed out stoned at some guys house. He's asleep, I go check his car and lo & behold in the bag he got as a gift on one of our campus visits is a mason jar half full of pot, a scale, baggies, a cutter, and multiple empty packages of cigars. I log into his bank account (which I never did because he was doing so great right?) he has blown all of his money. All cash withdrawals, 6 weeks, $3,000 in savings he worked for gone. Not only was he using pot all along, he was selling it. Apparently he has the reputation as the local drug dealer to all the high schools sports teams. My son... after all these years of love, support, being there, literally doing anything and everything I could possibly do... my son was doing this....
That day was really tough, he was extremely abrasive when I confronted him about it, it lead to a physical confrontation, I took him to counseling the next day, they contacted child services who came out and did an investigation (how embarrassing, this chapter of his life was not supposed to end like this). They recommended IOP or intensive outpatient therapy. First night we go and although the main counselor isn't there the sub is fine, the next 2 nights no counselor. I ask around for referrals and find a great one but unfortunately he's booked for over a month. I can't get in until next week and although he is not covered under my insurance whatever, he's apparently worth every penny if I can just get to the guy. I have my son go stay with my mother for a week. No car, no phone, no job, but both my wife and I are still trying to process what all happened and we need some time away from him.
Things look like they are improving, he comes back home, things are going ok, I suspect he may still be using, I subject him to drug tests and of course he pops positive for not on THC but traces of cocaine... He tells me he has stopped it just needs another week to flush from his system. Next week, same thing. I can't get to this counselor fast enough. I take the car and I am personally driving him to/from school. Work is it. This morning at 4:25 AM my wife wakes me up, our bedroom smells like a Grateful Dead concert (no one smokes in our house) and alas he is awake almost expecting me to walk in the door. He claims it is just cigarettes, I go outside to his car and behold a cigar wrapper yet again. My wife suffers from migraines, the smoke smell makes it intense. She has had enough, we are moving in a few weeks and she insists she can't live with him anymore. She doesn't feel safe in her own home, what if someone he owes money to comes looking for him, etc. I spent far too long hoping he was someone he is not and making excuses for an addict. I realize that. They were his choices and he owns them but I definitely enabled things for far too long.
Luckily my mother is willing to take him in on his 18th birthday. I will continue to pay his car insurance and health insurance so long that he stays enrolled and finishes high school. If he chooses the other route, then the best thing I can do is get out of his way and let him hit bottom. That's a hard scary choice. He's at work now and been keeping up his grades so I keep justifying that this will be ok but I am not so sure anymore.
I don't really know what or why I felt compelled to type all this to the world and some strangers. I just wanted to say that I came across this today and I needed it. I got strength from so many of your stories. I am not alone, we are not alone. This sucks on so many levels, this wasn't supposed to happen this way, but it did. All I can control is how I respond going forward. I am not losing my life, my career, my home, my marriage over the completely piss poor choices of a teenager that for whatever reason seems hellbent on making life hard on himself. I sincerely hope this counselor can help him but I can't live with someone who doesn't respect the rules of my own home.
So how did I end up here? I am a 37 year old father of a 17 year old son who turns 18 in just 3 short weeks. I had my son when I was 19, his mother bailed when he was 5 months old and never came back but he and I have had a great relationship for so many years. I coached his sports from 5-12, we played paintball with his friends, I was the "cool" dad to all his friends (never let them do anything just they enjoyed coming over and playing pool, swimming, etc.). He got into swim in high school and I made sure, despite me having to travel for work, that I never missed a single meet. We were going to colleges to visit, he was making great grades, I made him get a job on his 16th birthday and he had saved up almost $3,000 working at Taco Bell. Life was good. I never got to go to college and he was going to get to live out my dream. My son! All the hard work was so worth it, we're in a good financial position so I could afford to pay for his school, he even got several scholarships to cover more than half of the costs. Life was going well.
Then last Thanksgiving. I find out he had been using pot. He came home one night and although I have no sense of smell, could smell weed and tell he was stoned. He had driven himself home while stoned... I was furious at all of the multiple thoughts that entered my head about what if he hurt himself, someone else, all the possibilities. Admittedly, I eventually just wrote it off as "hey he is just going through some of the usual experimental phases, hell I did that too." When I was home, he was ok. When I traveled my wife would text me or email me things saying he looked like he was high, he was tripping out, etc. They never had a "great" relationship and I wasn't seeing any evidence of this when I was home so I failed her and never really set boundaries, rules, etc. Life is going along, he appears to be ok, sure they don't get along great but they aren't at each other's throats so he'll be off to college soon and life will work itself out like it always does right?
Wrong... 2 weeks before Thanksgiving this year, his car engine blows out (he had a perfectly fine car, 2012, picked it due to safety ratings). We are doing well, I go buy him a new car, a 2014 seden very low miles in hopes it's the car that will safely get him to and from college 90 miles away for the next 4 years. Again we go along, 6 days of the week are fine, 1 is suspect he is up to something but I write it off in my head not wanting to believe my little angel is up to no-good because everything on paper looks fine right? I get a text with a screenshot of a social media post where my son is passed out stoned at some guys house. He's asleep, I go check his car and lo & behold in the bag he got as a gift on one of our campus visits is a mason jar half full of pot, a scale, baggies, a cutter, and multiple empty packages of cigars. I log into his bank account (which I never did because he was doing so great right?) he has blown all of his money. All cash withdrawals, 6 weeks, $3,000 in savings he worked for gone. Not only was he using pot all along, he was selling it. Apparently he has the reputation as the local drug dealer to all the high schools sports teams. My son... after all these years of love, support, being there, literally doing anything and everything I could possibly do... my son was doing this....
That day was really tough, he was extremely abrasive when I confronted him about it, it lead to a physical confrontation, I took him to counseling the next day, they contacted child services who came out and did an investigation (how embarrassing, this chapter of his life was not supposed to end like this). They recommended IOP or intensive outpatient therapy. First night we go and although the main counselor isn't there the sub is fine, the next 2 nights no counselor. I ask around for referrals and find a great one but unfortunately he's booked for over a month. I can't get in until next week and although he is not covered under my insurance whatever, he's apparently worth every penny if I can just get to the guy. I have my son go stay with my mother for a week. No car, no phone, no job, but both my wife and I are still trying to process what all happened and we need some time away from him.
Things look like they are improving, he comes back home, things are going ok, I suspect he may still be using, I subject him to drug tests and of course he pops positive for not on THC but traces of cocaine... He tells me he has stopped it just needs another week to flush from his system. Next week, same thing. I can't get to this counselor fast enough. I take the car and I am personally driving him to/from school. Work is it. This morning at 4:25 AM my wife wakes me up, our bedroom smells like a Grateful Dead concert (no one smokes in our house) and alas he is awake almost expecting me to walk in the door. He claims it is just cigarettes, I go outside to his car and behold a cigar wrapper yet again. My wife suffers from migraines, the smoke smell makes it intense. She has had enough, we are moving in a few weeks and she insists she can't live with him anymore. She doesn't feel safe in her own home, what if someone he owes money to comes looking for him, etc. I spent far too long hoping he was someone he is not and making excuses for an addict. I realize that. They were his choices and he owns them but I definitely enabled things for far too long.
Luckily my mother is willing to take him in on his 18th birthday. I will continue to pay his car insurance and health insurance so long that he stays enrolled and finishes high school. If he chooses the other route, then the best thing I can do is get out of his way and let him hit bottom. That's a hard scary choice. He's at work now and been keeping up his grades so I keep justifying that this will be ok but I am not so sure anymore.
I don't really know what or why I felt compelled to type all this to the world and some strangers. I just wanted to say that I came across this today and I needed it. I got strength from so many of your stories. I am not alone, we are not alone. This sucks on so many levels, this wasn't supposed to happen this way, but it did. All I can control is how I respond going forward. I am not losing my life, my career, my home, my marriage over the completely piss poor choices of a teenager that for whatever reason seems hellbent on making life hard on himself. I sincerely hope this counselor can help him but I can't live with someone who doesn't respect the rules of my own home.
