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Went Too Far, The Saga Continues...
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 691405" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Skool,</p><p></p><p>My heart goes out to you. I know how frustrating it is to deal with all of this.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is where I think the "verbage" needs to be changed. When parents say "I put my child out" or "I kicked my child out" it has such a negative tone to it and that in turn sets the "tone"</p><p>I much prefer the saying "I have liberated you"</p><p>We liberate our adult kids so that they can live their own lives. </p><p>If your daughter, the boyfriend or anyone else makes a comment to you about your "putting her out" calmly tell them that you did not "put her out" you "liberated her so that she can live her own life"</p><p></p><p></p><p>I hear you! For myself the only way I was able to find peace with this was to truly accept that yes, someday I may get a phone call with the worst news on the other end. I came to realize that yes, something bad could happen because of the lifestyle my son lives but my wasting precious energy worrying about it will change nothing, it will only rob me of peace and energy.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Just as we have to set clear boundaries with our adult kids we also have to set boundaries with other people in our lives. My suggestion is to write down your response, that way when she calls you will be ready and won't get tongue tied.</p><p>I would suggest telling her something like this: "My daughter is an adult, I have no control over her choices and cannot help you"</p><p>If she persists, just keep reading that same line over and over. After the fourth time, I would say something like "someone's at the door, gotta go, bye"</p><p></p><p></p><p>Skool, you may not like the situation she is in but there is nothing you can do. Your daughter has made the choice to stay with these people and for the time being they are allowing her to stay. </p><p>Trust me on this, if she isn't staying with them, she very well might be staying with someone else that is just like them. I've been there too many times with my son. It is best to separate yourself from the choices she is making. I know how hard it is but you cannot control her.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Well of course she wants to come home. She has gotten a taste of what it's like to not be sheltered under moms roof. Here's the thing with these difficult adult children, they want to comfort and safety of living under our roof BUT they don't want to follow or respect our rules and boundaries. </p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a double edged sword. You want to know yet you don't want to know. </p><p>For myself, I have learned that it is best for me to not know. I do not need to know all that goes on with my son. My son is an adult, it's his life and his choice how he wants to live it. </p><p>I do not hear from my son very often, only when he has access to free wifi then he might post something on Facebook. Today, he posted something very simple. All it said was: he has the ideal employment and is the happiest he has ever been. I liked the comment to let him know I saw it but I do not comment or ask any questions. The reason I don't ask any questions is because I may not like the answer. For all I know he found employment working on a pot farm. His life, his choice, none of my business.</p><p></p><p>I know it's hard to separate yourself from your daughters chaos but you are getting there. You are doing the right thing by not answering every time she calls.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there!! You can do this.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you...........................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 691405, member: 18516"] Hi Skool, My heart goes out to you. I know how frustrating it is to deal with all of this. This is where I think the "verbage" needs to be changed. When parents say "I put my child out" or "I kicked my child out" it has such a negative tone to it and that in turn sets the "tone" I much prefer the saying "I have liberated you" We liberate our adult kids so that they can live their own lives. If your daughter, the boyfriend or anyone else makes a comment to you about your "putting her out" calmly tell them that you did not "put her out" you "liberated her so that she can live her own life" I hear you! For myself the only way I was able to find peace with this was to truly accept that yes, someday I may get a phone call with the worst news on the other end. I came to realize that yes, something bad could happen because of the lifestyle my son lives but my wasting precious energy worrying about it will change nothing, it will only rob me of peace and energy. Just as we have to set clear boundaries with our adult kids we also have to set boundaries with other people in our lives. My suggestion is to write down your response, that way when she calls you will be ready and won't get tongue tied. I would suggest telling her something like this: "My daughter is an adult, I have no control over her choices and cannot help you" If she persists, just keep reading that same line over and over. After the fourth time, I would say something like "someone's at the door, gotta go, bye" Skool, you may not like the situation she is in but there is nothing you can do. Your daughter has made the choice to stay with these people and for the time being they are allowing her to stay. Trust me on this, if she isn't staying with them, she very well might be staying with someone else that is just like them. I've been there too many times with my son. It is best to separate yourself from the choices she is making. I know how hard it is but you cannot control her. Well of course she wants to come home. She has gotten a taste of what it's like to not be sheltered under moms roof. Here's the thing with these difficult adult children, they want to comfort and safety of living under our roof BUT they don't want to follow or respect our rules and boundaries. This is a double edged sword. You want to know yet you don't want to know. For myself, I have learned that it is best for me to not know. I do not need to know all that goes on with my son. My son is an adult, it's his life and his choice how he wants to live it. I do not hear from my son very often, only when he has access to free wifi then he might post something on Facebook. Today, he posted something very simple. All it said was: he has the ideal employment and is the happiest he has ever been. I liked the comment to let him know I saw it but I do not comment or ask any questions. The reason I don't ask any questions is because I may not like the answer. For all I know he found employment working on a pot farm. His life, his choice, none of my business. I know it's hard to separate yourself from your daughters chaos but you are getting there. You are doing the right thing by not answering every time she calls. Hang in there!! You can do this. ((HUGS)) to you........................... [/QUOTE]
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