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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 196433" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>I really appreciate so many of you taking thought and time to comment on this. It's been interesting ... I agree that the contract husband and I came up with is pretty stern and not likely to be adhered to by difficult child. Until now, it's true that I've been the one ready to see difficult child try his 'wings' in the real world. I'm the one that's dealt with the violence, the abuse (verbal and physical), the lies, the tears, and then more lies and abuse. I admit that I also have caved, so far, when push came to shove and difficult child was almost on his way out.</p><p></p><p>But husband, having absented himself so many years physically and mentally, has had an amazingly quick catch-up phase. I wanted him to step up and he is doing it now. He told me today that he doesn't want to delete any of the 'ways to earn difficult child's way out of the house' clauses, and he wants to word the contract as 'In Order to Live Here, difficult child will do X"'.</p><p>He just raised an eyebrow at the preamble I inserted in the revised version of the contract, which states that difficult child is a loved, permanent, and integral part of our family and we want him to make good choices and succeed at his endeavors. I also put, at the end, that difficult child will continue to be included in family life and enjoyments, and that we have as our goal the success and wellbeing of every person in the family. husband sort of snorted but didn't care whether I left these things in. (Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, with those clauses. They really aren't essential.)</p><p></p><p>husband thinks that difficult child is on the fast track out of the house, period. husband sees difficult child's destruction of various parts of the house as a personal, direct attack on him. I'm not sure it's deliberately that, although it definitely could be a part. I think difficult child's destructive episodes are more pure selfish acting out without consideration for anyone else, than maliciously directed damage. However ... the selfish acting out without consideration for others is enough for me. difficult child melted down and yelled at daughter when she was only a few days post-surgery from a major injury and the most devastating situation she's yet faced. He didn't even register that she'd had surgery. For me, I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I think difficult child will try everything possible to stay, including tears, remorse, and promises. But it looks like husband is angry enough to follow through now and when difficult child realizes it things will turn ugly.</p><p></p><p>I agree that two weeks is a long time, but that's only if difficult child stays unemployed more than 2 weeks or refuses to help with work around the house. Any violence means immediate eviction. If we gave difficult child notice and he became destructive within the two weeks, husband (as he is currently) would just tell him to hit the road NOW. You're right, witz, it would likely only be a day or two if that. We've been reluctant to immediately evict because difficult child doesn't actually have any current friends in town. He can't depend on his welcome anywhere, so if we do tell him to leave immediately I don't know where he'd go and neither does he. </p><p>husband wants to talk to difficult child tomorrow. difficult child is getting anxious, telling me today that he wanted to talk to husband today so he could apologize and tell husband that he'll pay for the broken door and frame. I just looked at difficult child for a second and then said, we do have to talk to you tomorrow. difficult child was visibly disconcerted. He can stew for tonight, though I doubt he will lose much sleep. </p><p></p><p>I wish husband had believed me years ago. I wish he'd believed difficult child actually had a diagnosis (I can thank my mother in law for her constant assertions that difficult child is just fine and I'm just a bad mother). I wish husband had believed me when I told him difficult child was bruising me and daughter, was using, was drinking, was up to no good. In the end it's clear I was right and I was telling the truth but it's pretty hollow. However, I've persevered because of easy child 3 and daughter's anxiety over a potential marriage breakup. With everything else they've endured I didn't want to do that to them. Who knows what would have been best? All I can tell myself is I did the best I could at the time, with what I knew and the resources I had.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 196433, member: 2884"] I really appreciate so many of you taking thought and time to comment on this. It's been interesting ... I agree that the contract husband and I came up with is pretty stern and not likely to be adhered to by difficult child. Until now, it's true that I've been the one ready to see difficult child try his 'wings' in the real world. I'm the one that's dealt with the violence, the abuse (verbal and physical), the lies, the tears, and then more lies and abuse. I admit that I also have caved, so far, when push came to shove and difficult child was almost on his way out. But husband, having absented himself so many years physically and mentally, has had an amazingly quick catch-up phase. I wanted him to step up and he is doing it now. He told me today that he doesn't want to delete any of the 'ways to earn difficult child's way out of the house' clauses, and he wants to word the contract as 'In Order to Live Here, difficult child will do X"'. He just raised an eyebrow at the preamble I inserted in the revised version of the contract, which states that difficult child is a loved, permanent, and integral part of our family and we want him to make good choices and succeed at his endeavors. I also put, at the end, that difficult child will continue to be included in family life and enjoyments, and that we have as our goal the success and wellbeing of every person in the family. husband sort of snorted but didn't care whether I left these things in. (Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, with those clauses. They really aren't essential.) husband thinks that difficult child is on the fast track out of the house, period. husband sees difficult child's destruction of various parts of the house as a personal, direct attack on him. I'm not sure it's deliberately that, although it definitely could be a part. I think difficult child's destructive episodes are more pure selfish acting out without consideration for anyone else, than maliciously directed damage. However ... the selfish acting out without consideration for others is enough for me. difficult child melted down and yelled at daughter when she was only a few days post-surgery from a major injury and the most devastating situation she's yet faced. He didn't even register that she'd had surgery. For me, I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I think difficult child will try everything possible to stay, including tears, remorse, and promises. But it looks like husband is angry enough to follow through now and when difficult child realizes it things will turn ugly. I agree that two weeks is a long time, but that's only if difficult child stays unemployed more than 2 weeks or refuses to help with work around the house. Any violence means immediate eviction. If we gave difficult child notice and he became destructive within the two weeks, husband (as he is currently) would just tell him to hit the road NOW. You're right, witz, it would likely only be a day or two if that. We've been reluctant to immediately evict because difficult child doesn't actually have any current friends in town. He can't depend on his welcome anywhere, so if we do tell him to leave immediately I don't know where he'd go and neither does he. husband wants to talk to difficult child tomorrow. difficult child is getting anxious, telling me today that he wanted to talk to husband today so he could apologize and tell husband that he'll pay for the broken door and frame. I just looked at difficult child for a second and then said, we do have to talk to you tomorrow. difficult child was visibly disconcerted. He can stew for tonight, though I doubt he will lose much sleep. I wish husband had believed me years ago. I wish he'd believed difficult child actually had a diagnosis (I can thank my mother in law for her constant assertions that difficult child is just fine and I'm just a bad mother). I wish husband had believed me when I told him difficult child was bruising me and daughter, was using, was drinking, was up to no good. In the end it's clear I was right and I was telling the truth but it's pretty hollow. However, I've persevered because of easy child 3 and daughter's anxiety over a potential marriage breakup. With everything else they've endured I didn't want to do that to them. Who knows what would have been best? All I can tell myself is I did the best I could at the time, with what I knew and the resources I had. [/QUOTE]
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