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What Adult Priveleges are Left?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 460750" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I think like generations before ours, we're seeing things we don't like and wouldn't want for our own kids and naturally it irks us as parents. Especially if our children start wanting some of the things or permissions that we don't want or approve of. </p><p></p><p>I think it all comes down to us as parents and how we approach it with our kids. </p><p></p><p>With easy child, I've learned that there are some things that I think she can live without and should earn instead of just get, yet other kids have it or have ability to do things, and socially I want easy child to "fit" to some degree. So I weight the pros and cons of things that my first reaction to is "no way", and decide case by case. For our family, the key to it is "balance".</p><p></p><p>I'm very strict about bedtime on school nights, and both kids were raised that way. I too believe adults need down time after the kids go to bed and I don't like seeing kids burning out with lack of sleep when they need energy and their wits about them to learn the next day. Bed time for school isn't negotiable. I have recently widened the scope during summer holidays or march break etc and allowed a much later bedtime, especially if easy child is having a rare sleep over and has a friend here. It's meant to be special and because she's so strictly monitored in her bed times, it is a real treat for her that gets her excited when she gets to stay up later. </p><p></p><p>One of my nieces is just shy of a year older than easy child. (easy child is now 12) Niece wears clothing I would expect in nightclubs. She is fully developed yet also extremely overweight (not chubby but obese). The clothes are not appropriate in my opinion anyhow, but it is made more appalling (for me) by the fact that she is overweight and the clothes are intentionally teensy tiny. She began wearing full face makeup at about age 10-11 and had her belly button pierced as a passing school gift after grade six! Most of her clothing is purchased to ensure her piercing shows. It is actually embarassing for me to see her this way and it horrifys my S/O who feels people must wonder why he'd be okay walking around with a young young girl like her, dressed as sexually as she is, loaded up with makeup, all her "goods" put on display etc. Matt got to a point he wouldn't walk around with her in public. Is it judgemental of us? Absolutely. Does it change how I feel about what is acceptable and what isn't? Not a bit. I do keep my opinion to myself and don't let on to niece or her mother how I feel, but inside I cringe. easy child has often used her cousin in conversation about why she finds it awkward to be changing from her tom boy thing into more girly things. She doesn't know often if being more girly means she should be thinking along the lines of how her cousin dresses etc. My answer is always that easy child should dress how she feels comfortable and in ways she feels reflect her personality and character. Thankfully she's learning to embrace her teen girl side from a view I agree with because we'd have been in for some rough years if she was after the look my niece is after (which by the way is common in not just high schools here but also junior high).</p><p></p><p>easy child has what I call a balance of what she gets just because, and what she must earn. I do believe in good quality shoes, which unfortunatly means they cost quite a lot. She gets a good quality pair of indoor shoes for school and sports, and a good pair of outdoor ones. Now she's turning into a shoe girl. Not dressy ones but sport ones. So when she sees shoes she wants, she must pay for them herself, outside the two pairs I provide. This often means saving a hundred dollars and at her age that can be a challenge. But she's bought 3 pairs on her own so far and is very excited when she finally gets enough money to go to the store to purchase them. I'm trying to teach her that yes, I'm doing more for her than I ever dreamed of as a kid, but there are limits and she can contribute too.</p><p></p><p>This year she is in air cadets and about to start piano lessons. Air cadets is very time consuming and requires parents to be free to bring them to all sorts of events such as military awards ceremonies, parades etc. It requires out of town camping trips for survival skill training, out of town trips to parliament to march etc. In return for my support in doing those things, (as well as S/O, her bio dad and step mom) she is now required to contribute to the cost of her piano lessons. Cadets pays for some things, $60 a day for some camp days where they do boot camps etc. Those earnings are to contribute to paying the piano teacher and to purchase new sheet music. We will contribute the balance of the costs along with the cost of piano tunings etc. </p><p>Her school work is not allowed to suffer or she will have to forgo the piano lessons to free up time for school work. Period. School cannot suffer for any reason and she knows it. </p><p></p><p>I haven't even got a cell phone so i'm not providing one for easy child. Nor will her father although he and his wife have phones they rely heavily on. She is 12 and we see no need although it seems nearly all in her class have them, full of texting, internet browsing, unlimited calling etc. I have told her that when she starts babysitting she can choose to have a phone she pays for, her father can add her phone to the plan he and his wife have through their business, so her rate would be very good. But she MUST pay for it herself. If a month comes she can't pay for it, no IOU's will be offered. The phone will go into my care until she can pay the bill. Many parents can't believe that I'd allow her to be out without a cell phone for "emergencies". Umm. She's TWELVE. She walks a block and half to school and home, half the week as the other half she's picked up or dropped off by her dad. Otherwise she's with a parent, and the odd time she goes to the nearby store it is with a friend to go get a treat during a sleepover so she's not alone and its public busy streets. What emergency can happen that can't be handled without paying $60 a month for a phone in her pocket? As she gets older, that will change. But at this age, thats the sum of her life and its beyond my understanding how so many kids have cells so very young. I do see some cases where it is something needed. Kids home alone after school while parents work. Kids who use it to speak to non custodial parents because it eliminates stress with the parents, etc. But why do the others have them just because they're "cool"? I mean, the parents pay those high bills. An older teen who is independently out and about in town is something altogether different. Grade 5-6 kids having iphones in their lockers is just absurd to me.</p><p></p><p>Overall I think we as parents are facing our own version of what all parents have had to face. Times change and our childrens "time" is different than the "time" we ourselves were raised in. I don't think its really changed much, just the details. I do think that there isn't any reason we can't all find balance. But I do hate to see kids who truly do "have it all" with no expectations of them. I do worry that many older teens and even early 20's aren't realistically prepared for the world. I just don't know if it has not always been that way anyhow each generation. Somehow I think its all versions of the same, just different issues. </p><p></p><p>The part I worry most about is the burden parents place on themselves. So many parents are caught up in thinking their children must always have the latest things, fads, stuff. They are burning themselves out working or going broke paying for, all these things they think the kids must have. I think the saddest part of what I see going on in society today is parents who do so much for their children (much not needed anyhow) that they lose themselves. I have always believed the best gift one can give their children is to allow their children to see them reaping them rewards of their hard work and sacrifice. Kids learn a lot when they see their parents work hard and save long for something really special they want. Now most parents are no longer doing that for themselves, they are working to get their kids new computer or money for costly sports or vacations to dream places that the KIDS want to go to etc. Heck, easy child's friends can't believe the NERVE of me and S/O to be going on a honeymoon without HER. Truly! Many of her friends parents married when they were older and they went on the honeymoon too, Disney resorts, Cuba etc. Well that's fine for a family holiday. But a honeymoon? Nerve of me? Bwaa haa haa. I told easy child that she can look forward to her own honeymoon when she gets married. And if she has kids before marriage, I'll gladly babysit grands while she honeymoons. And I told her I'll buy her a cool gift on my trip. Bring her with me on my honeymoon? Ummm, NO!</p><p></p><p>Speaking of "NO", I could go on and on about how rarely that word comes out of parents mouths now. Or how it leads to "negotiations". OMG. No. No. No. I'm good at it. If it's no, it's no. Discussion over.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 460750, member: 4264"] I think like generations before ours, we're seeing things we don't like and wouldn't want for our own kids and naturally it irks us as parents. Especially if our children start wanting some of the things or permissions that we don't want or approve of. I think it all comes down to us as parents and how we approach it with our kids. With easy child, I've learned that there are some things that I think she can live without and should earn instead of just get, yet other kids have it or have ability to do things, and socially I want easy child to "fit" to some degree. So I weight the pros and cons of things that my first reaction to is "no way", and decide case by case. For our family, the key to it is "balance". I'm very strict about bedtime on school nights, and both kids were raised that way. I too believe adults need down time after the kids go to bed and I don't like seeing kids burning out with lack of sleep when they need energy and their wits about them to learn the next day. Bed time for school isn't negotiable. I have recently widened the scope during summer holidays or march break etc and allowed a much later bedtime, especially if easy child is having a rare sleep over and has a friend here. It's meant to be special and because she's so strictly monitored in her bed times, it is a real treat for her that gets her excited when she gets to stay up later. One of my nieces is just shy of a year older than easy child. (easy child is now 12) Niece wears clothing I would expect in nightclubs. She is fully developed yet also extremely overweight (not chubby but obese). The clothes are not appropriate in my opinion anyhow, but it is made more appalling (for me) by the fact that she is overweight and the clothes are intentionally teensy tiny. She began wearing full face makeup at about age 10-11 and had her belly button pierced as a passing school gift after grade six! Most of her clothing is purchased to ensure her piercing shows. It is actually embarassing for me to see her this way and it horrifys my S/O who feels people must wonder why he'd be okay walking around with a young young girl like her, dressed as sexually as she is, loaded up with makeup, all her "goods" put on display etc. Matt got to a point he wouldn't walk around with her in public. Is it judgemental of us? Absolutely. Does it change how I feel about what is acceptable and what isn't? Not a bit. I do keep my opinion to myself and don't let on to niece or her mother how I feel, but inside I cringe. easy child has often used her cousin in conversation about why she finds it awkward to be changing from her tom boy thing into more girly things. She doesn't know often if being more girly means she should be thinking along the lines of how her cousin dresses etc. My answer is always that easy child should dress how she feels comfortable and in ways she feels reflect her personality and character. Thankfully she's learning to embrace her teen girl side from a view I agree with because we'd have been in for some rough years if she was after the look my niece is after (which by the way is common in not just high schools here but also junior high). easy child has what I call a balance of what she gets just because, and what she must earn. I do believe in good quality shoes, which unfortunatly means they cost quite a lot. She gets a good quality pair of indoor shoes for school and sports, and a good pair of outdoor ones. Now she's turning into a shoe girl. Not dressy ones but sport ones. So when she sees shoes she wants, she must pay for them herself, outside the two pairs I provide. This often means saving a hundred dollars and at her age that can be a challenge. But she's bought 3 pairs on her own so far and is very excited when she finally gets enough money to go to the store to purchase them. I'm trying to teach her that yes, I'm doing more for her than I ever dreamed of as a kid, but there are limits and she can contribute too. This year she is in air cadets and about to start piano lessons. Air cadets is very time consuming and requires parents to be free to bring them to all sorts of events such as military awards ceremonies, parades etc. It requires out of town camping trips for survival skill training, out of town trips to parliament to march etc. In return for my support in doing those things, (as well as S/O, her bio dad and step mom) she is now required to contribute to the cost of her piano lessons. Cadets pays for some things, $60 a day for some camp days where they do boot camps etc. Those earnings are to contribute to paying the piano teacher and to purchase new sheet music. We will contribute the balance of the costs along with the cost of piano tunings etc. Her school work is not allowed to suffer or she will have to forgo the piano lessons to free up time for school work. Period. School cannot suffer for any reason and she knows it. I haven't even got a cell phone so i'm not providing one for easy child. Nor will her father although he and his wife have phones they rely heavily on. She is 12 and we see no need although it seems nearly all in her class have them, full of texting, internet browsing, unlimited calling etc. I have told her that when she starts babysitting she can choose to have a phone she pays for, her father can add her phone to the plan he and his wife have through their business, so her rate would be very good. But she MUST pay for it herself. If a month comes she can't pay for it, no IOU's will be offered. The phone will go into my care until she can pay the bill. Many parents can't believe that I'd allow her to be out without a cell phone for "emergencies". Umm. She's TWELVE. She walks a block and half to school and home, half the week as the other half she's picked up or dropped off by her dad. Otherwise she's with a parent, and the odd time she goes to the nearby store it is with a friend to go get a treat during a sleepover so she's not alone and its public busy streets. What emergency can happen that can't be handled without paying $60 a month for a phone in her pocket? As she gets older, that will change. But at this age, thats the sum of her life and its beyond my understanding how so many kids have cells so very young. I do see some cases where it is something needed. Kids home alone after school while parents work. Kids who use it to speak to non custodial parents because it eliminates stress with the parents, etc. But why do the others have them just because they're "cool"? I mean, the parents pay those high bills. An older teen who is independently out and about in town is something altogether different. Grade 5-6 kids having iphones in their lockers is just absurd to me. Overall I think we as parents are facing our own version of what all parents have had to face. Times change and our childrens "time" is different than the "time" we ourselves were raised in. I don't think its really changed much, just the details. I do think that there isn't any reason we can't all find balance. But I do hate to see kids who truly do "have it all" with no expectations of them. I do worry that many older teens and even early 20's aren't realistically prepared for the world. I just don't know if it has not always been that way anyhow each generation. Somehow I think its all versions of the same, just different issues. The part I worry most about is the burden parents place on themselves. So many parents are caught up in thinking their children must always have the latest things, fads, stuff. They are burning themselves out working or going broke paying for, all these things they think the kids must have. I think the saddest part of what I see going on in society today is parents who do so much for their children (much not needed anyhow) that they lose themselves. I have always believed the best gift one can give their children is to allow their children to see them reaping them rewards of their hard work and sacrifice. Kids learn a lot when they see their parents work hard and save long for something really special they want. Now most parents are no longer doing that for themselves, they are working to get their kids new computer or money for costly sports or vacations to dream places that the KIDS want to go to etc. Heck, easy child's friends can't believe the NERVE of me and S/O to be going on a honeymoon without HER. Truly! Many of her friends parents married when they were older and they went on the honeymoon too, Disney resorts, Cuba etc. Well that's fine for a family holiday. But a honeymoon? Nerve of me? Bwaa haa haa. I told easy child that she can look forward to her own honeymoon when she gets married. And if she has kids before marriage, I'll gladly babysit grands while she honeymoons. And I told her I'll buy her a cool gift on my trip. Bring her with me on my honeymoon? Ummm, NO! Speaking of "NO", I could go on and on about how rarely that word comes out of parents mouths now. Or how it leads to "negotiations". OMG. No. No. No. I'm good at it. If it's no, it's no. Discussion over. [/QUOTE]
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