What do I do? I feel like they won.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SnowAngel, Sep 10, 2007.

  1. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    :thumbsdown: Today B and I went to the CFT meeting to organize treatment for my boys. I think B finally realizes how hard it is for me to watch Peanuts behavior. Peanuts case manager has possibly found a group home for him. Should have room for him in a couple days. They said he needs to go because they see him as a risk to himself as well as others. His counselor felt he might try to end his life as he did in June. He is constantly hurting the other kids in the house and destroys everything in sight when angry.I feel I have no option in this matter after they have expressed their concern for the families safety. Peanut holds a very special place in my heart and I am devastated thinking of him not being with me.

    The group home is in Sierre Vista, on the other side of Tucson. I think its a good 2 hour drive one way. At first I will not be allowed contact with him. The staff enrolls him in school and takes him to his appointments. I will be allowed at some point to check him out for the weekend. I cant bring the other kids to visit him due to other childrens privacy at the group home. I have to obey their rules to. I cant take Peanut out of the group home if I feel he should come home. There is a withdrawl process that takes time. Peanut cant come home until his goals that the counselor,case manager and GH staff set up. Its kinda like going to court. All parties involved in his care review his progress and my reasons why I want him home.

    I know I shouldnt feel this bad but I do. I have been through enough crud through the years and looking at photos of myself you can see I am miserable. Parenting stinks. I know I signed up for the 24/7 for 18 +yrs but could someone spare me all these construction detours? I just got the school to start the IEP process.

    Do I need to comply with the counselors & case managers? If he does go, do I still make the final decisions in his care?
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry you are going through this Desari.........no matter what, it is an extremely painful process to have to send our children out from under our care, and into anothers.

    I am a little confused about your post - is the state involved in your situation because of a mandatory intervention? And do you have to give up custody of Peanuts to the State in order to get the group home? Once we know that, than we will be more able to come back and answer your 2 questions at the end of your post.

    Again, I can't imagine how hard this must all be for you. Hang in there, and we will be thinking of you.
  3. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Sorry for the confusion.
    :redface:No he isnt part of a state intervention. His last counselor before we moved, made a CPS report 1 month after he tried to jump off my balcony and stab himself. CPS was outraged at the counselor for making the report 29 days late. The CPS lady saw all my documentation on who I spoke with & when, what I had tried and appointments I kept. She said she was closing the case because I was doing everything I was supposed to do.

    We now live in another county and he goes to a different facility for psychiatric care. The new place we go is insisting he goes into a group home. The group home is part of the facilities out of home care program.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, if CPS is not involved than YOU make all decisions concerning whether or not you think this is in his best interest. You have the final say as to what home or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) you want him in, and you have should have the final jurisdiction if you decide you had to pull him out of there.

    Who is paying for the group home? Make sure you are not signing your rights away as his mom in order to get him in a group home. I am concerned that it seems to you like a "court process" - and I am worried that they want to make your son a ward of the state in order to get this care. Maybe I am off base, but that is just what popped up as a red flag.

    I would not make this decision without knowing everything there is to know - and visiting all viable alternatives within your area. It is not something to be made lightly - although it sounds like a decision that would is in his best interest given his self harm, and harm to others.
  5. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Insurance pays for the group home. I did feel like they were taking away my parental rights which I would never do under any circumstances. The case manager said she would pick him up and take him there herself. I dont even know anything about the place or if it is up to regulation standards. I just feel something is wrong with the whole thing. I am also affraid that if Peanut stays home and hurts someone seriously,they will show evidence of expressing their concern to me and CPS will take all of them. At least that is what they have implied.

    Sounds a bit like blackmail to me but not sure, maybe they have that right to put that kind of fear in me.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Desari, I think you are experiencing the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) trying to teach you that they are in charge. I imagine it is natural for parents to feel they have less control just by nature of the child no longer being in the home.

    Your son is safe and that is the most important thing right now. Try to feel that relief.

  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I agree.......feels wrong to me too, especially if you do not know anything about the place. I do agree, that he probably does need placement - but it needs to be in a place of your choosing. I would hunt around, and start interviewing places, and document everything like you have been doing, until you find the right place. There are some amazing rtcs out there - you just need to do some research. I would not take him to one sight unseen, just because this center wants you to. I would tell them you need a month to research the situation, and then you will be ready to place him. If you think you need help asap then place him into a phosph - they can keep him there until you find the right environment for him. In fact, psychiatric hospital can help you locate the right place........that is part of what they do.........so perhaps that would be the best route.

    Good luck - and stay strong. You are his only ally and advocate - he needs you to fight for him, and make sure he is getting the best care possible - and you can do that better than any counselor, dr, or psychologist!
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This sounds like a very risky situation. Why do they think you will let your child go somewhere you have never seen? And why do they not want parents involved in the healing/therapy process?

    Please don't sign anything. Call your insurance co and see what other options they have. Often they have a list.

    If you continue on this path, please consult an attorney before you sign ANYTHING!!

    I agree placement sounds very necessary, but I am very leary of THIS placement.

    Might see if timerlady has enough energy to give you some tips o n the placement stuff. She has been there done that through all of it!


  9. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Thank you. I went to my Peanuts school this morning and talked with the principal. She also expressed concern about him going to a group home. She is moving Peanuts evaluation to top priority for the IEP and placement. She wants to put him in a class with 8 students,1 teacher and 3 aides. She says they teach anger management skills, acceptable behavior, socialization skills and general education. I think her idea of a more controlled class is best for him.

    I will look into the attorney. I also am looking at requesting a different case manager as I feel we arent on the same page.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Excellent news....I am so glad you did all of that! I know being in a more self contained classroom, with a lower teacher - student ratio, would be a great help! And I agree, a new case manager, that you can communicate better with would also help!

    Keep us posted on the progress!
  11. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    All of you that share your experiences and advice are truely remarkable. :angel: Thank You