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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747300" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I wanted to say welcome although I have not dealt with this particular issue with my child, who is now an adult.</p><p></p><p>I would just suggest this: if the "time in" is not working, and the "taking away" is not working, I would try to identify alternatives. What comes to mind is giving in. By that I do not mean letting him do what he wants, particularly if he is doing the kinds of hurtful and aggressive things you describe.</p><p></p><p>There is a concept in martial arts, which involves strategically letting your opponent's own energy and movement to do him in. It is virtually impossible to defend against, if the move is set up correctly. Because the opponent does it to himself and you get out of the way. A branch of psychology borrowed the concept and it is used in some types of psychotherapies.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what exactly would work, but what you are doing seems not to be working. In fact, it seems to be rewarding him, because he is so stubborn, he seems to be empowered by resisting you, no matter how onerous is the punishment.</p><p></p><p>If it were me I would do this: I would try to distract him by finding things that use up his energy and distract him by enticing him to immerse himself. Things he likes, like hobbies and sports. I would try hard to not think of this is a reward. What you want is to be on the same side as he is. So that he is less apt to target others or to oppose you. (I very much believe in martial arts for kids and adults too.) Because with this you learn a code of living that is opposed to and channels unnecessary aggression and teaches good conduct and self-control.</p><p></p><p>I would also try to determine what is going on with him, and help him dissipate whatever negative emotions he might be harboring. If such a thing is available near you, alternative therapies like art therapy, drama therapy, even dance therapy can be preferable to traditional talk therapy, with kids such as your own.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am suggesting, to some extent, is to take the focus off of the bad behavior and to try to cultivate or encourage good behavior. What are some positive traits of his? What is he good at? What do you love about him? And begin with that.</p><p></p><p>I know this is difficult. I am at my wits end with my 30 year old son. This has been going on for a decade and it's not getting better. He has been homeless and now he is back with us, and he will not stop exposing us to his marijuana habit. He does not work. He believes in conspiracy theories.</p><p></p><p>I have loved him more than anybody in my life, times 1000. And yet, I have a hard time sometimes being in touch with this love, because of how much pain and disappointment and fear there is.</p><p></p><p>Yet, my son is at heart very loving and kind. He is not judgmental of people.</p><p></p><p>This is what I mean. There is a kernel of what we love, in our children. It is to try to connect to this in ourselves, and somehow try to step away from all of the frustration, fear, chaos, powerlessness, and in my own case, anger.</p><p></p><p>Anyway. There will be others who soon come along. Weekends can be slow. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747300, member: 18958"] I wanted to say welcome although I have not dealt with this particular issue with my child, who is now an adult. I would just suggest this: if the "time in" is not working, and the "taking away" is not working, I would try to identify alternatives. What comes to mind is giving in. By that I do not mean letting him do what he wants, particularly if he is doing the kinds of hurtful and aggressive things you describe. There is a concept in martial arts, which involves strategically letting your opponent's own energy and movement to do him in. It is virtually impossible to defend against, if the move is set up correctly. Because the opponent does it to himself and you get out of the way. A branch of psychology borrowed the concept and it is used in some types of psychotherapies. I do not know what exactly would work, but what you are doing seems not to be working. In fact, it seems to be rewarding him, because he is so stubborn, he seems to be empowered by resisting you, no matter how onerous is the punishment. If it were me I would do this: I would try to distract him by finding things that use up his energy and distract him by enticing him to immerse himself. Things he likes, like hobbies and sports. I would try hard to not think of this is a reward. What you want is to be on the same side as he is. So that he is less apt to target others or to oppose you. (I very much believe in martial arts for kids and adults too.) Because with this you learn a code of living that is opposed to and channels unnecessary aggression and teaches good conduct and self-control. I would also try to determine what is going on with him, and help him dissipate whatever negative emotions he might be harboring. If such a thing is available near you, alternative therapies like art therapy, drama therapy, even dance therapy can be preferable to traditional talk therapy, with kids such as your own. I guess what I am suggesting, to some extent, is to take the focus off of the bad behavior and to try to cultivate or encourage good behavior. What are some positive traits of his? What is he good at? What do you love about him? And begin with that. I know this is difficult. I am at my wits end with my 30 year old son. This has been going on for a decade and it's not getting better. He has been homeless and now he is back with us, and he will not stop exposing us to his marijuana habit. He does not work. He believes in conspiracy theories. I have loved him more than anybody in my life, times 1000. And yet, I have a hard time sometimes being in touch with this love, because of how much pain and disappointment and fear there is. Yet, my son is at heart very loving and kind. He is not judgmental of people. This is what I mean. There is a kernel of what we love, in our children. It is to try to connect to this in ourselves, and somehow try to step away from all of the frustration, fear, chaos, powerlessness, and in my own case, anger. Anyway. There will be others who soon come along. Weekends can be slow. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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