Tryinghard,
I am so sorry that you are caught up in this pressure cooker situation. While my situation has certainly not been exactly the same - it is similar. My difficult child has a physical disability as well as a developmental disability. It really complicates things.
I noticed that your difficult child is 12. Is he in middle school? I don't mind saying that middle school was a real nightmare for us. We had all of the difficult child issues layered on top of our difficult child's adjustment to his physical disability, becoming a teenager- whew! I would never relive that scenario. However, there is one big thing that I would handle differently if I could "do it over". I felt it was my responsibility that difficult child do well in school at that time. husband did not feel that it was his responsbility or my responsibility. We differed in that area.
difficult child and I spent many frustrating hours haggling over school work. Honestly, at this point, I think that husband was correct about this. difficult child really needed to face the natural consequences of his behavior. I think that we would be at a better place now, if we had let the chips fall where they would. I'm not saying that I would have pulled away totally - just that I would have offered assistance and stepped away if difficult child didn't want it. I now realize that I can never "make it right" for him. He's going to have to walk his own path. That is a very hard lesson for me, one that I am still incorporating.
Our difficult child never really meant to frustrate me, he doesn't want to now. He is just being himself. That is another lesson that I am still incorporating. Now, if I find myself reaching that "breaking point" I go outside to my garden. I either work in the garden or just sit still and enjoy the fruits of my former labors. This is something that I can "make beautiful" ,and besides, it is beautiful on its own merits. I can cast away my fears that I am not doing "enough" or missing something "really important".
I hope that you can incorporate some peaceful moments into your day! I'm sending forth prayers and gentle hugs for you. Things do change as kids get older and transition to high school. Hang in there...
