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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 130569" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Thanks all - your understanding helps me so much. I gain new perspectives and I guess I grew somewhat of an empathy tree reading the posts. </p><p></p><p>Bunnypants- you're right. I think I probably would tolerate him a little more (if that is possible) had I not been abused. I know that once for him raising a hand to me was enough. I've been told that had we not gotten him into therapy he would be dead or in prison from a very young age. The first time he ever was abusive - I called the police. One visit - said I mean what I say about never being hit again. </p><p></p><p>As far as words and breaking things? The words he's able to contain more and the language some. Anger management was great for him to learn how to cope. I learned how to not push any buttons and defuse the situation. I do still have raw nerves on some subjects that for me are Tabu with Dude. At this point - I don't want to hear "My father has no reason to live" - sorry I'm not callous - but if he dropped over tomorrow - I wouldn't care. It would be a relief to take all the preventative measure maintenance out of my budget every year. I know someday God will look at him and he'll have a worse time answering to him than me - but someday just doesn't come soon enough when dealing with an angry child. </p><p></p><p>Since he's been home - he's broken a lot of things (middle name Grace) and he's torn apart some things (middle name snoops) and the fridge door will never be the same - I think I see some busted shelves - sigh - it's new too. And while I overlook all that and so many things a day it's unreal - and try to take one battle at a time - this child wont stop. He's into 6 battles before he gets done with one. And THAT is exhausting. I can do one or two at a time - but no one has ever met a child like him - specialists - therapists, doctors. This is why he's been so hard to place. He gets in a place - honeymoons, and then is to the wall for the rest of his stay - incites the other kids to behave like he does, and the list goes on and on. </p><p></p><p>We saw the therapist last night- and since he knows the story behind our lives - he shook his head and said - "I would get him placed and then I would detach, enjoy my life, don't buy into his games, he's got about []much empathy in his body and he's dangerous." Then he said he thought the foster home was a bad idea - too much stuff to snoop in and foster parents WILL not tolerate this kid and he'll end up in jail. Suggested Group home instead. He also said that all ALL kids want to believe that the absentee parent has good in them and that they miss the kid and love them - because they realize that they are 1/2 the nice parent (if one exists) and 1/2 the other or absentee parent. So they all want to believe the one not there - is a good person, missing them and it creates a fantasy in their heads that sometimes crosses over into reality and THAT is where the "my dad has nothing to live for" come in. So I told Dude if he wanted to contact biofather - fine. I also told him that I thought in some way his biofather loved him and cared about him, but that he will NEVER be able to raise him or live with him - that he had choices to change - and didn't. And still hasn't. But that Dude wasn't his biofather - he was a man of his own creating - and not to let thoughts that he was just like him ever enter his head. Dude said "I know I'm not like him" and I said "Forgive him - and move on in your life." I left it at that. </p><p></p><p>I found the strength today to forgive him for the hurtful and beyond ugly things he said. I made breakfast and said "Breakfast is ready" and he bounded off the couch like a little chatter box and I said "I only said breakfast was ready I did not say I was ready to talk to you again." He made a plate and then sat at the table and said "Momma will you come talk to me please?" So I grabbed a plate of food - and tried to talk to him but couldn't do anything but sob. I asked him WHEN in his entire life have I ever lied to him? He said Never. I said WHY would you believe those people over me? Why would you tell me that your "dad" has nothing to live for - have you seen the way YOU treat ME? He said he was ashamed, an Ahole, a real jerk, and he was sorry - then the kid with [] empathy pulled a chair up to mine and held me for 10 minutes saying he was sorry. </p><p></p><p>The rest of the day has been fairly mellow - All the doors in the house are locked, all the interesting things have been put up, all the sheds, and garages are locked up and reinforced. All the cleaners have been locked up, all the dog toys are gone, the animals are secured and with us - and he's been given chores to do - which of course he's waited until almost dark to start. And he'll get one done - and tell us "I tried" so -= whatever. </p><p></p><p>Thanks all - </p><p>You're the best group of friends a gal could ever ask for. </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 130569, member: 4964"] Thanks all - your understanding helps me so much. I gain new perspectives and I guess I grew somewhat of an empathy tree reading the posts. Bunnypants- you're right. I think I probably would tolerate him a little more (if that is possible) had I not been abused. I know that once for him raising a hand to me was enough. I've been told that had we not gotten him into therapy he would be dead or in prison from a very young age. The first time he ever was abusive - I called the police. One visit - said I mean what I say about never being hit again. As far as words and breaking things? The words he's able to contain more and the language some. Anger management was great for him to learn how to cope. I learned how to not push any buttons and defuse the situation. I do still have raw nerves on some subjects that for me are Tabu with Dude. At this point - I don't want to hear "My father has no reason to live" - sorry I'm not callous - but if he dropped over tomorrow - I wouldn't care. It would be a relief to take all the preventative measure maintenance out of my budget every year. I know someday God will look at him and he'll have a worse time answering to him than me - but someday just doesn't come soon enough when dealing with an angry child. Since he's been home - he's broken a lot of things (middle name Grace) and he's torn apart some things (middle name snoops) and the fridge door will never be the same - I think I see some busted shelves - sigh - it's new too. And while I overlook all that and so many things a day it's unreal - and try to take one battle at a time - this child wont stop. He's into 6 battles before he gets done with one. And THAT is exhausting. I can do one or two at a time - but no one has ever met a child like him - specialists - therapists, doctors. This is why he's been so hard to place. He gets in a place - honeymoons, and then is to the wall for the rest of his stay - incites the other kids to behave like he does, and the list goes on and on. We saw the therapist last night- and since he knows the story behind our lives - he shook his head and said - "I would get him placed and then I would detach, enjoy my life, don't buy into his games, he's got about []much empathy in his body and he's dangerous." Then he said he thought the foster home was a bad idea - too much stuff to snoop in and foster parents WILL not tolerate this kid and he'll end up in jail. Suggested Group home instead. He also said that all ALL kids want to believe that the absentee parent has good in them and that they miss the kid and love them - because they realize that they are 1/2 the nice parent (if one exists) and 1/2 the other or absentee parent. So they all want to believe the one not there - is a good person, missing them and it creates a fantasy in their heads that sometimes crosses over into reality and THAT is where the "my dad has nothing to live for" come in. So I told Dude if he wanted to contact biofather - fine. I also told him that I thought in some way his biofather loved him and cared about him, but that he will NEVER be able to raise him or live with him - that he had choices to change - and didn't. And still hasn't. But that Dude wasn't his biofather - he was a man of his own creating - and not to let thoughts that he was just like him ever enter his head. Dude said "I know I'm not like him" and I said "Forgive him - and move on in your life." I left it at that. I found the strength today to forgive him for the hurtful and beyond ugly things he said. I made breakfast and said "Breakfast is ready" and he bounded off the couch like a little chatter box and I said "I only said breakfast was ready I did not say I was ready to talk to you again." He made a plate and then sat at the table and said "Momma will you come talk to me please?" So I grabbed a plate of food - and tried to talk to him but couldn't do anything but sob. I asked him WHEN in his entire life have I ever lied to him? He said Never. I said WHY would you believe those people over me? Why would you tell me that your "dad" has nothing to live for - have you seen the way YOU treat ME? He said he was ashamed, an Ahole, a real jerk, and he was sorry - then the kid with [] empathy pulled a chair up to mine and held me for 10 minutes saying he was sorry. The rest of the day has been fairly mellow - All the doors in the house are locked, all the interesting things have been put up, all the sheds, and garages are locked up and reinforced. All the cleaners have been locked up, all the dog toys are gone, the animals are secured and with us - and he's been given chores to do - which of course he's waited until almost dark to start. And he'll get one done - and tell us "I tried" so -= whatever. Thanks all - You're the best group of friends a gal could ever ask for. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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