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General Parenting
What if I fall apart on Christmas???
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<blockquote data-quote="bran155" data-source="post: 225519"><p>Hello all. I am sorry I feel like I am taking up so much space here lately. Forgive me. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>I am nervous about Christmas. I am hoping that I can hold up okay. I have been doing really well with detaching and focusing on the other parts of my life. However, it's as though I am walking on a tightrope and every so often one of my legs slips and I catch myself before I fall. I am afraid that on Christmas I will completely fall off the rope!!! To the eye I seem okay, yet the meltdown is just below the surface. I am so afraid for when it all comes out again. I just keep stuffing it all back in. </p><p></p><p>Christmas Eve is when we all go to one of my aunts houses, the entire family. I don't think I will be attending that celebration this year. My sister will take my son and my husband and I will just stay home. I know if I go I WILL fall apart. I mean my whole family will be there with the exception of my baby girl!!! They all will ask me how I am doing and ask if we have heard from my daughter and I just don't think I can handle it. I am used to not having my daughter with me on Christmas, however it was always because she was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), not missing, out on the streets somewhere. I think I will be okay on Christmas day. I am so excited to see my son's face when he sees that Santa was good to him. I just can't wait for that!!! My daughter usually opens her gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve, so that morning will be just like all the other Christmases. I just don't think I will be able to hold up at my aunts. I am hoping that I don't fall apart on Christmas day either because my son SO deserves a great day with mom!!! </p><p></p><p>Uuuurrrggghhh!!!! I just hate this!!! I wish she would get caught already. Jail is not the right place for her but at least I will know she is alive and not out on the streets destroying herself. As you can see, I am having an iffy day today. I feel myself slipping. My strength is on the fritz!!! I am sad and mad as hell at her. I am so angry that she is so selfish, that she just doesn't care about the horror she puts me through. And I know that is part of her illness and the teenage thing as well. But, God I just love this kid so much and she is killing me. I guess it's easier to be angry with her than to feel the sadness, the empathy and the sympathy. I fight those feelings off all day long. It is a constant battle within myself. I just can't allow myself to feel anything but anger as I will only fall apart if I do. There is a part of me that just wants to get in the car and find her, grab her up and drag her home!!! That is a total fantasy. Even if I did get in the car to find her there is no way that I will be able to physically get her into my car. So, I know that is not an option. I am just so afraid that I won't ever see her again. I have this horrible feeling of doom, that she will be one of those people that are missing for years, or I will get a call to, God forbid, come identify her body!!! Oh God, did I just say that? I try to prepare myself for that because that IS a possibility. But how on earth do you prepare yourself for the death of your child? I know that I am just getting too worked up, being paranoid, like I said, it's a bad day for me. This STINKS!!!!</p><p></p><p>Thanks for letting me vent. Again, I'm sorry if I am monoplizing the board lately!!! </p><p></p><p>Shawna</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="bran155, post: 225519"] Hello all. I am sorry I feel like I am taking up so much space here lately. Forgive me. :( I am nervous about Christmas. I am hoping that I can hold up okay. I have been doing really well with detaching and focusing on the other parts of my life. However, it's as though I am walking on a tightrope and every so often one of my legs slips and I catch myself before I fall. I am afraid that on Christmas I will completely fall off the rope!!! To the eye I seem okay, yet the meltdown is just below the surface. I am so afraid for when it all comes out again. I just keep stuffing it all back in. Christmas Eve is when we all go to one of my aunts houses, the entire family. I don't think I will be attending that celebration this year. My sister will take my son and my husband and I will just stay home. I know if I go I WILL fall apart. I mean my whole family will be there with the exception of my baby girl!!! They all will ask me how I am doing and ask if we have heard from my daughter and I just don't think I can handle it. I am used to not having my daughter with me on Christmas, however it was always because she was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), not missing, out on the streets somewhere. I think I will be okay on Christmas day. I am so excited to see my son's face when he sees that Santa was good to him. I just can't wait for that!!! My daughter usually opens her gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve, so that morning will be just like all the other Christmases. I just don't think I will be able to hold up at my aunts. I am hoping that I don't fall apart on Christmas day either because my son SO deserves a great day with mom!!! Uuuurrrggghhh!!!! I just hate this!!! I wish she would get caught already. Jail is not the right place for her but at least I will know she is alive and not out on the streets destroying herself. As you can see, I am having an iffy day today. I feel myself slipping. My strength is on the fritz!!! I am sad and mad as hell at her. I am so angry that she is so selfish, that she just doesn't care about the horror she puts me through. And I know that is part of her illness and the teenage thing as well. But, God I just love this kid so much and she is killing me. I guess it's easier to be angry with her than to feel the sadness, the empathy and the sympathy. I fight those feelings off all day long. It is a constant battle within myself. I just can't allow myself to feel anything but anger as I will only fall apart if I do. There is a part of me that just wants to get in the car and find her, grab her up and drag her home!!! That is a total fantasy. Even if I did get in the car to find her there is no way that I will be able to physically get her into my car. So, I know that is not an option. I am just so afraid that I won't ever see her again. I have this horrible feeling of doom, that she will be one of those people that are missing for years, or I will get a call to, God forbid, come identify her body!!! Oh God, did I just say that? I try to prepare myself for that because that IS a possibility. But how on earth do you prepare yourself for the death of your child? I know that I am just getting too worked up, being paranoid, like I said, it's a bad day for me. This STINKS!!!! Thanks for letting me vent. Again, I'm sorry if I am monoplizing the board lately!!! Shawna [/QUOTE]
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