What if I fall apart on Christmas???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Dec 22, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello all. I am sorry I feel like I am taking up so much space here lately. Forgive me. :(

    I am nervous about Christmas. I am hoping that I can hold up okay. I have been doing really well with detaching and focusing on the other parts of my life. However, it's as though I am walking on a tightrope and every so often one of my legs slips and I catch myself before I fall. I am afraid that on Christmas I will completely fall off the rope!!! To the eye I seem okay, yet the meltdown is just below the surface. I am so afraid for when it all comes out again. I just keep stuffing it all back in.

    Christmas Eve is when we all go to one of my aunts houses, the entire family. I don't think I will be attending that celebration this year. My sister will take my son and my husband and I will just stay home. I know if I go I WILL fall apart. I mean my whole family will be there with the exception of my baby girl!!! They all will ask me how I am doing and ask if we have heard from my daughter and I just don't think I can handle it. I am used to not having my daughter with me on Christmas, however it was always because she was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), not missing, out on the streets somewhere. I think I will be okay on Christmas day. I am so excited to see my son's face when he sees that Santa was good to him. I just can't wait for that!!! My daughter usually opens her gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve, so that morning will be just like all the other Christmases. I just don't think I will be able to hold up at my aunts. I am hoping that I don't fall apart on Christmas day either because my son SO deserves a great day with mom!!!

    Uuuurrrggghhh!!!! I just hate this!!! I wish she would get caught already. Jail is not the right place for her but at least I will know she is alive and not out on the streets destroying herself. As you can see, I am having an iffy day today. I feel myself slipping. My strength is on the fritz!!! I am sad and mad as hell at her. I am so angry that she is so selfish, that she just doesn't care about the horror she puts me through. And I know that is part of her illness and the teenage thing as well. But, God I just love this kid so much and she is killing me. I guess it's easier to be angry with her than to feel the sadness, the empathy and the sympathy. I fight those feelings off all day long. It is a constant battle within myself. I just can't allow myself to feel anything but anger as I will only fall apart if I do. There is a part of me that just wants to get in the car and find her, grab her up and drag her home!!! That is a total fantasy. Even if I did get in the car to find her there is no way that I will be able to physically get her into my car. So, I know that is not an option. I am just so afraid that I won't ever see her again. I have this horrible feeling of doom, that she will be one of those people that are missing for years, or I will get a call to, God forbid, come identify her body!!! Oh God, did I just say that? I try to prepare myself for that because that IS a possibility. But how on earth do you prepare yourself for the death of your child? I know that I am just getting too worked up, being paranoid, like I said, it's a bad day for me. This STINKS!!!!

    Thanks for letting me vent. Again, I'm sorry if I am monoplizing the board lately!!!

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) You've been holding up really well- but our mommy hearts never go away and it's completely understandable that you would feel this way. Would it help to get a gift for her and just hold onto it- when she starts to get things turned around, you can give it to her. I don't know if that would make you feel better or worse. But, try to take care of yourself- you know that only she can help herself at this point. Is there anyone in your family that can help you get thru this? I hate the thought of you sitting at home by yourself on Christmas Eve with this pain and struggle.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Shawna, you're going through a very a special hell right now. One that few of us have gone through. I'm surprised you're holding up as well as you are. Post as often as you need to, even if that's every 15 minutes. We really do understand.

    If you fall apart at Christmas, you fall apart. You have your cry, wipe your eyes and get back to enjoying the parts you can. It won't be the end of the world if you do cry. Not for you, your daughter, your son, your family.

    Is there any way you could go to your aunt's a little after the rest of the family. Let your sister explain the situation and explain that you can't discuss it right now, so that when you show up, you'll get the sympathetic looks (they won't be able to avoid those) but you won't have to speak about it. I think you might be sad about missing the tradition of being at your aunt's. No matter what, do what is best for you. As you said, Christmas morning will still be magical because you're giving that magic to your son.

    I've spent 3 Christmases without my daughter. One of them I knew she was safe at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The second one I thought she was with her friends but I wasn't 100% sure until she showed up late on Christmas Day to get her gifts. The third she was anything but safe and I had no clue where she was but I was pretty sure she had a roof over her head and wasn't doing anything illegal. I cried my way through each of them. My friends understood and held me as I sobbed. They weren't the best Christmases but I survived them. I was surrounded by a lot of love and that really did help. Do take the love of your family and envelope yourself in it. It will get you through the sadness.

  4. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Last year was my first year without my daughter. It is hard to get through especially when we know they aren't doing right. Depending on your family, you may want to go ahead and go to your Aunts. That is part of detatching. You may even find a lot more support than you think there. They are your family and this is part of "this" Christmas. If you stay home, you know you will fall apart. As the mom, I think you have that right. You also have the right to be surronded by people that love you and will support you. I hope your family situation is such that they will hold you up during this time.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Don't even think about Board dominance! Each one of us has faced times where we truly needed our CD family to survive the stress and pain of family crisis. You have been there for many and your caring is appreciated. Now is your turn to take as much strength as we can give to help you. Sending hugs. DDD
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Vent away - as much as you want if it helps. I hope it helps.

    I just wanted to say that I do not envy you. You are in a very difficult place for any parent to be in.

    Have you considered changing up Christmas Eve plans completely? Doing something so different that it does not bring your difficult child to mind.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bran, you may fall apart, but I'm sure you will make sure your son has a nice Christmas. You are strong. I know that I will be in your place probably by this time next year and you will have to say these words to me. You did not make her choices for her. She did that all on her own. She can't be at peace or happy with herself, although her dysfunction doesn't allow her to see that. All you can do is pray that someday she will realize what she lost and begin working her way back.

    In the meantime, take care of yourself and the rest of your family. You are doing a good job at detaching. Yes, you will be sad. but you also know and have said here that there is nothing you can do to change things. That needs to come from her.

  8. Oh, Bran! I am so sorry this is so difficult for you. You need to do whatever feels best for you. If you need to cry, then cry.

    Sending many hugs.

  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Shawna, I'm so sorry things have been so hard lately. I think you should go along with the traditions you are comfortable with. If you go to your aunt's later in the evening, or not at all, or head down to Starbucks instead for a peppermint whatever with extra whipped cream and red and green sprinkles, it needs to be what you're okay with right now.

    Sending hugs, prayers, and lots and lots of love.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member


    the others have said some great stuff, and their all so right.

    Shawna at the end of the day you have done so well and handled and juggled your way through this mess, and it hasn't been pretty or easy on any level at all. Trust in where you are now, the strength you have derived from this entire experience, and in you.

    Your tears are not in any way, shape or form going to compromise your strength.

  11. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Shawna, you are going through an awful limbo right now and the last thing you need is to put more stress on yourself. If you think you could handle a little while at your aunt's, I would go (unless you are certain that you would be exposed to comments that would be hurtful) and try to enjoy being in your son's presence. I would also try to get a good night's sleep (Tylenol PM is great for this kind of situation) to keep from getting more run down.

    Sending you gentle hugs and my best wishes that your daughter is okay. I can't imagine the stress you are under. Let us know how you are doing.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Shawna, please don't worry about taking over the board. We are all here for you, and it is OK to come here to cry, scream, vent, curl into a ball and bawl, whatever.

    I think the idea of going to the gathering late, after having your sister explain to everyone that you can't handle questions but want to come and enjoy what you can at this time, is a very good idea. I think int might help you to realize the support your family has - and if your sister can say to them that hugs are ok, as are tissues if you start to cry, and shoulders are certainly welcome, well, it might help your family have some idea how to comfort you. They are very worried about YOU, as well as your difficult child.

    But if you need to stay home with your husband, or even alone, then do what you need.
    You will make it a special Christmas for your son, because that is what we warrior moms do. I am so very sorry you are in this hell, and if there was a way to help you out of it, we would.

    Post as often and as long as you need or want to. IF you just want support, say so. If you just want someone to hear you vent, say so. If it is a bad time for ideas or suggestions, say so. We will do our best to support you however we can.

    Sending very gentle hugs.
  13. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Today is a better day.

    Thank you all so much for your concern and kind words. You all mean so much to me. This board really does help me get through the days. The connection between all of us is very real. I find myself thinking of all of you during my day. When I am out I can't wait to get home to my computer and log on. I wish all of you and your families a wonderful holiday and a Happy New Year!!! :)

    I had a great morning. I am my son's class mother so I do all of the parties. My husband yells at me because I never collect money from the other parents, we pay for everything. LOL He usually gets over it pretty quickly!!! So, I brought in mini bagels, cookies, juice, candy canes, goody bags and antlers to wear for all of the kids. I love doing this. My son is proud, all of the kids just love me and the look on my sons face is worth every penny I spend. After the party I took my son around the school to hand out all of the teacher gifts. He was beaming with pride!!! It just fills my heart with such joy to see my son so happy. I am home on a coffee break. I am going back in a bit to participate in the holiday sing-a-long. The music teacher dresses up as Santa and all of the kids gather in the hallway and sing Christmas songs.

    My daughter went to this school as well so all of the teachers and the nurse always ask me how she is doing. That gets a bit difficult, I ended up crying a little bit while talking to the nurse. So did she for that matter. But it turned out okay, I didn't lose it. I am probably going to be sad and have to fight off the tears during the sing-a-long because it reminds me of when my daughter was there singing along. :( I will put my warrior face on and fight through it for my son.

    I will check in later. Thanks again.

    Shawna :)
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sounds like a wonderful morning. Your son is lucky to have you as his mom. Here's hoping you get through the afternoon. Do your best to focus on your son and put your daughter on the back burner as much as you can.
  15. artana

    artana New Member

    You sound like a wonderful mommy. With everything you're going through, you still pull it together for your son. That is very special and very strong of you. You will be in my thoughts these holidays. Hang in there.:)
  16. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    It is going to be a couple of hard days but I feel that you are strong.

    However if you choose to stay home there is a possibility that you get a guest. I don't know if she brings her friends because then it could become a security issue. Otherwise if you choose not to be at home, she could break in.

    Personally I would call the nice police officer you know, loan some restraints and prepare a simple meal. If she shows offer her a deal. The meal in exhange for her to surrender herself. If she don't wish her good luck in her journey of her own and ask her to leave.

    Just stay strong. She may have chosen a different path for her adult life than you wished for, but it is her destiny.
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a wonderful thing you did today for your son! I'm sorry it's so difficult for you right now-you are doing an amazing job. Continued prayers.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What a wonderful memory you created for your son, and for all the other kids in the school. I have a 9yo and every other year I have been able to do that, except the last 2 years. Your efforts and $$ are truly appreciated by the parents who are not able to contribute/help on your level.

    You will get through this holiday fine. Let whatever you feel be OK to feel. Your gift to yourself.

    Merry Christmas!!
  19. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you so much guys. You have made me feel so good.

    I feel okay today. There is a sadness, an empty feeling, like my body knows something just isn't right. I feel like I am on the verge of tears, like I am going to lose it at any moment. At the same time I am so excited for tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see my son open up all of his gifts!!! What a strange contradiction. Profound sadness/great excitement. It's like I am two people. I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH AND I WILL ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS WITH THE REST OF MY FAMILY!!! I will.

    I wish you all a wonderful holiday. I will be thinking of you all throughout. Your support has made this whole ordeal a little easier on me, so thank you for that. Your words of encouragement will stay with me through tomorrow and hopefully I will manage okay.

    Thank you my friends. Happy holidays and God bless.

    Shawna :)
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi Shawna!! I didn't know if you were checking in on the board this afternoon or evening, but Know that you are thought about and cared for. When my son is in juvy or psychiatric hospital, things never seem quite right at home either. Of course, it would be worse if I had the worries that you do on top of it. I think you are doing a great job of balancing those feelings and worries with the positive feelings and enjoyment of others in your life. You'll get thru this- we're here, just remember that.