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What is forgiveness?
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 71365" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I slept fitfully last night. (Big surprise.) I think that we are all hitting on parts of the same theme. Forgiveness is a very personal thing, I think. I think it is as different to each of us as what we believe about love or friendship or faith.</p><p></p><p>Then this morning in my xanax induced fog, I thought about the typical scene we all saw as children about forgiveness. Whether we saw it on TV or in a movie or in a book it was always someone very contrite saying "I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?" And the reply is always something along the lines of "Of course, I forgive you, don't worry about it!" Life isn't usually that tidy though.</p><p></p><p>I guess that with people who would continue to do us harm, the problem is that they <em>never have</em> worried about harming us. We <em>want</em> them to worry about it. They have no conscience and we want them to get one. I think in these things, we forgive ourselves knowing that <em>we</em> have grown and will recognize this type of predator the next time. Maybe if we aren't likely to see them again, we can forgive them too, because we can feel somewhat certain we won't ever be hurt by them again. It's those people whom you <em>have</em> to see over and over again whom you know will hurt you over and over again that maybe don't deserve our forgiveness.</p><p></p><p>I can give an extreme example of this in my life. Twenty six years ago I was kidnapped off the sidewalk by a stranger with a gun who raped and sodomized me before he let me go hours later. He was never found. It's so long ago. I hope he never did it again. If he continued, I hope he was caught. He was old and obviously a street person. Maybe he's dead. But I can forgive him. My chance of being hurt by him is over.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, L's dad keeps interfering in my life on a very personal level that has nothing to do with L. He says he will continue to do so because he wants L to be happy, and if her path is divergent from mine, he chooses hers with no thought for me. He will not ever consult me, or give my life a thought on the off chance that he might provide a passing fancy for L, even <em>knowing</em> her fancy will pass, and that it might cause me grief until the day I die. I forgive me for getting involved with him. As a general rule, I don't give him a thought unless and until he comes into my life. Usually, I'm proud of myself for having survived him. Lord knows why I ever ask him to do the right thing in these situations because he never does. He thinks he's better than me in the most literal sense of the word. </p><p></p><p>I can't imagine that there would be any circumstance under which I would forgive him. That would involve more effort on my part than he is worth to me. If he dropped dead tomorrow, maybe I would forgive him. But so long as he breathes air and can hurt me again, there is no way on this earth I will ever forgive him. I'll happily admit that I am not that big of a person and move on. That's for God to decide.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 71365, member: 99"] I slept fitfully last night. (Big surprise.) I think that we are all hitting on parts of the same theme. Forgiveness is a very personal thing, I think. I think it is as different to each of us as what we believe about love or friendship or faith. Then this morning in my xanax induced fog, I thought about the typical scene we all saw as children about forgiveness. Whether we saw it on TV or in a movie or in a book it was always someone very contrite saying "I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?" And the reply is always something along the lines of "Of course, I forgive you, don't worry about it!" Life isn't usually that tidy though. I guess that with people who would continue to do us harm, the problem is that they [i]never have[/i] worried about harming us. We [i]want[/i] them to worry about it. They have no conscience and we want them to get one. I think in these things, we forgive ourselves knowing that [i]we[/i] have grown and will recognize this type of predator the next time. Maybe if we aren't likely to see them again, we can forgive them too, because we can feel somewhat certain we won't ever be hurt by them again. It's those people whom you [i]have[/i] to see over and over again whom you know will hurt you over and over again that maybe don't deserve our forgiveness. I can give an extreme example of this in my life. Twenty six years ago I was kidnapped off the sidewalk by a stranger with a gun who raped and sodomized me before he let me go hours later. He was never found. It's so long ago. I hope he never did it again. If he continued, I hope he was caught. He was old and obviously a street person. Maybe he's dead. But I can forgive him. My chance of being hurt by him is over. On the other hand, L's dad keeps interfering in my life on a very personal level that has nothing to do with L. He says he will continue to do so because he wants L to be happy, and if her path is divergent from mine, he chooses hers with no thought for me. He will not ever consult me, or give my life a thought on the off chance that he might provide a passing fancy for L, even [i]knowing[/i] her fancy will pass, and that it might cause me grief until the day I die. I forgive me for getting involved with him. As a general rule, I don't give him a thought unless and until he comes into my life. Usually, I'm proud of myself for having survived him. Lord knows why I ever ask him to do the right thing in these situations because he never does. He thinks he's better than me in the most literal sense of the word. I can't imagine that there would be any circumstance under which I would forgive him. That would involve more effort on my part than he is worth to me. If he dropped dead tomorrow, maybe I would forgive him. But so long as he breathes air and can hurt me again, there is no way on this earth I will ever forgive him. I'll happily admit that I am not that big of a person and move on. That's for God to decide. [/QUOTE]
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