This is going to be long.
For the most part, daughter had been bordering on being a easy child all of her life. She met her milestones SUPER early (very, very verbal at an early age, taught herself to read at 3, always scored highest in her grade on standardized testing, etc) and was generally just a happy go lucky kid. When she was 5 she had bacterial meningitis and she was very, very ill. I always wonder if that has played a part in some of her issues- I just don't know. There were a few times I have questioned if she's bi-polar based on how she goes from being completely over the top giddy to totally down in just a matter of minutes.
I thought everything was going well with her last year. I saw no signs that made me think otherwise. I decided to start monitoring her online activity. I always told her I would not "spy" on her because I had no reason to not trust her. BIG mistake on my part. I found so many things out. She had a twitter account and it was full of lies. Things like we are abusive to her, how she is failing at school (she has perfect grades), etc. The worst was that I found her "plan" for a school shooting. She had an actual PLAN to shoot the school up. Now, I have no idea how she was actually going to do this since she has NO access to any weapons but her "plan" was so beyond disturbing. We went straight to a treatment facility. It was there that I found out she was being bullied horribly, was severely depressed, and had homicidal/suicidal thoughts every.single.day. She stayed for a few days and we followed up with counseling and a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as ADD and put her on Concerta. She was also put on Prozac. I have questioned the ADD diagnosis. I have a 10 year old and he is textbook ADHD. daughter doesn't really seem to fit much of the criteria of ADD. He also said he sees signs of Asperger's but she's basically on that "line" where she has traits but not really enough for a diagnosis. I thought she was doing well with her medications and they were helping. Yet another mistake. I mean, she tells me she's fine and I don't see any reason to NOT believe her.
She started her freshman year. A few weeks into the school year go by and I get a call from the Principal. She had been talking about school shootings and told some kids she had a plan. I thought we were OVER that????!!! The Principal said we had 1 option- get our psychiatrist to sign a note saying he did not feel she is a threat to herself or anyone else. Although he didn't feel she was, he obviously was not going to do that. Our only other option was to let them expel her or for us to withdraw her for "medical reasons." We withdrew her. I let her do online school for a couple of months. We moved and she started HS in a new district which she claims to love. I took away her computer and all she has been allowed to have is her iTouch. She told me she did not have any social media sites which I did not know about (she has a facebook that I monitor). She does not know that whenever she uses her google account, it saves in the history so I have been watching everything she does. Everything was fine for a few months and then I saw she was googling how much Concerta she would need to take to kill herself, how to strangle herself with a plastic bag, etc. We hid everything we thought could possible pose a danger to her. Obviously we did not think hard enough because 2 days ago she tried to drink nail polish remover. And then yesterday she came out of her room with her arm completely cut up- she used a little pin on the end of a button. I had no idea she has ever even contemplated cutting let alone doing it. She told me she did not feel safe with herself and needed to go to the hospital. She was admitted to a treatment facility last night.
Once again, here we are completely baffled that she has been this depressed and is still struggling almost every day. She is beyond obsessed with school shootings. She thinks she's in love with one of the boys who was involved in Columbine. She googles the.most.bizarre things. I saw she googled that she think she's a pedophile! When I asked her about it she said it was just a joke! Who JOKES about things like that and googles it all of the time? I also found out she has a tumbler filled with more bizarre ****. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am terrified she is going to hurt herself. Her googling pedophilia stuff always worries me because I am afraid she will hurt her younger siblings. When I brought that up to the crisis counselor at the hospital she didn't even seem to think it was a big deal. I should also mention she is bi-sexual and from what she googles, she feels she like she is the wrong gender. I know LGBT teens have the highest rate of suicide attempts but we are very supportive of her and she claims no one at school has ever bullied her because of being bi.
What worries me most is how "normal" she appears but how she internalizes everything. She doesn't give us any trouble at home and with the exception of the incident at school last year, she has never had a behavior problem at school. She's generally pleasant to be around. She has a tendency to get "stuck" on a certain topic she's obsessed with and that's when I see what I think is Asperger's popping up. I do notice her moods shift really quickly and she sleeps A LOT (this also worries her- she googles it all of the time) but she IS a teenager. I tell her she can ALWAYS talk to me about ANYTHING and I need to know if she is feeling suicidal. She always says she will but the only time I EVER know about it is when I check up on her. And that's when she admits it and freaks out and worries we will be upset with her. We have never been mad at her and we will do whatever it takes to help her.
I am just so terrified. I felt a sense of relief last night with knowing I could sleep easier and not worry that I will walk in her room in the morning and find her dead. So she's safe for the next few days but then the never ending worrying will start up again.
For the most part, daughter had been bordering on being a easy child all of her life. She met her milestones SUPER early (very, very verbal at an early age, taught herself to read at 3, always scored highest in her grade on standardized testing, etc) and was generally just a happy go lucky kid. When she was 5 she had bacterial meningitis and she was very, very ill. I always wonder if that has played a part in some of her issues- I just don't know. There were a few times I have questioned if she's bi-polar based on how she goes from being completely over the top giddy to totally down in just a matter of minutes.
I thought everything was going well with her last year. I saw no signs that made me think otherwise. I decided to start monitoring her online activity. I always told her I would not "spy" on her because I had no reason to not trust her. BIG mistake on my part. I found so many things out. She had a twitter account and it was full of lies. Things like we are abusive to her, how she is failing at school (she has perfect grades), etc. The worst was that I found her "plan" for a school shooting. She had an actual PLAN to shoot the school up. Now, I have no idea how she was actually going to do this since she has NO access to any weapons but her "plan" was so beyond disturbing. We went straight to a treatment facility. It was there that I found out she was being bullied horribly, was severely depressed, and had homicidal/suicidal thoughts every.single.day. She stayed for a few days and we followed up with counseling and a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as ADD and put her on Concerta. She was also put on Prozac. I have questioned the ADD diagnosis. I have a 10 year old and he is textbook ADHD. daughter doesn't really seem to fit much of the criteria of ADD. He also said he sees signs of Asperger's but she's basically on that "line" where she has traits but not really enough for a diagnosis. I thought she was doing well with her medications and they were helping. Yet another mistake. I mean, she tells me she's fine and I don't see any reason to NOT believe her.
She started her freshman year. A few weeks into the school year go by and I get a call from the Principal. She had been talking about school shootings and told some kids she had a plan. I thought we were OVER that????!!! The Principal said we had 1 option- get our psychiatrist to sign a note saying he did not feel she is a threat to herself or anyone else. Although he didn't feel she was, he obviously was not going to do that. Our only other option was to let them expel her or for us to withdraw her for "medical reasons." We withdrew her. I let her do online school for a couple of months. We moved and she started HS in a new district which she claims to love. I took away her computer and all she has been allowed to have is her iTouch. She told me she did not have any social media sites which I did not know about (she has a facebook that I monitor). She does not know that whenever she uses her google account, it saves in the history so I have been watching everything she does. Everything was fine for a few months and then I saw she was googling how much Concerta she would need to take to kill herself, how to strangle herself with a plastic bag, etc. We hid everything we thought could possible pose a danger to her. Obviously we did not think hard enough because 2 days ago she tried to drink nail polish remover. And then yesterday she came out of her room with her arm completely cut up- she used a little pin on the end of a button. I had no idea she has ever even contemplated cutting let alone doing it. She told me she did not feel safe with herself and needed to go to the hospital. She was admitted to a treatment facility last night.
Once again, here we are completely baffled that she has been this depressed and is still struggling almost every day. She is beyond obsessed with school shootings. She thinks she's in love with one of the boys who was involved in Columbine. She googles the.most.bizarre things. I saw she googled that she think she's a pedophile! When I asked her about it she said it was just a joke! Who JOKES about things like that and googles it all of the time? I also found out she has a tumbler filled with more bizarre ****. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am terrified she is going to hurt herself. Her googling pedophilia stuff always worries me because I am afraid she will hurt her younger siblings. When I brought that up to the crisis counselor at the hospital she didn't even seem to think it was a big deal. I should also mention she is bi-sexual and from what she googles, she feels she like she is the wrong gender. I know LGBT teens have the highest rate of suicide attempts but we are very supportive of her and she claims no one at school has ever bullied her because of being bi.
What worries me most is how "normal" she appears but how she internalizes everything. She doesn't give us any trouble at home and with the exception of the incident at school last year, she has never had a behavior problem at school. She's generally pleasant to be around. She has a tendency to get "stuck" on a certain topic she's obsessed with and that's when I see what I think is Asperger's popping up. I do notice her moods shift really quickly and she sleeps A LOT (this also worries her- she googles it all of the time) but she IS a teenager. I tell her she can ALWAYS talk to me about ANYTHING and I need to know if she is feeling suicidal. She always says she will but the only time I EVER know about it is when I check up on her. And that's when she admits it and freaks out and worries we will be upset with her. We have never been mad at her and we will do whatever it takes to help her.
I am just so terrified. I felt a sense of relief last night with knowing I could sleep easier and not worry that I will walk in her room in the morning and find her dead. So she's safe for the next few days but then the never ending worrying will start up again.
