What is my problem?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by gcvmom, Jun 3, 2009.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    husband decided to have a fire in our portable fire pit tonight and cook food with the kids for dinner. They've got some bricks set up with an old oven rack for a grill, using my cast iron skillet to make quesadillas and rewarming some baked chicken breasts I cooked earlier this week, oh and roasting hotdogs, too.

    It's great that he likes doing this with them. But why do I just NOT want to be out there? I don't want to do the cooking. I don't want to supervise. I just don't want to be out there. And this isn't the first time this has happened.

    Maybe it's because I know there's stuff that still needs to be done tonight, like difficult child 1's homework! And I'm the one who will still have to clean up the mess. And I'm the one who will have to herd everyone off to bed when the time comes, make sure they're medicated, teeth brushed, yada, yada, yada.

    Is it just that simple? That I'm taking advantage of husband dealing with them so that I can have some quiet time inside before I have to go to work with them all again? I feel like I should be out there participating in this family moment. But I just don't want to.

    I did go out for a bit and fed the chickens some old lettuce while they were cooking and talking. It's still a teeny bit light out and it's nearly 8pm, but they're all having fun. I'm going to have to be the heavy in a few minutes because difficult child 1 needs to get in here and get his work finished.

    I'll be so glad when school is done. I think I relax more when there's nothing hanging over our heads.
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I think it is very important that you can take the chance to recharge yur batteries any time you can. I don't see anything wrong with what you did. Not to say "family time" isn't important but if mama ain't happy...nobody's happy makes perfect sense to me. It was a win-win. They were having a good time and you got a tiny break.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I don't think you have a problem. I think you need time to yourself without anyone making demands on you. Sounds fair to me.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I don't see a problem either. Sometimes we just don't feel sociable. Especially when we know we're going to have to be the bad guy.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I don't see a problem with it either. We all need a personal time out from time to time.

    Besides, I know when husband gets in the mood to grill I cringe everytime. I'm the one who cleans to get it ready, then does all the clean up after, and all the running in between for the dozens of things he's forgotten to bring out with him. While he brags about cooking. lol

  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I guess the guilt trip I get from husband doesn't help with the way I'm feeling. He came in and starts in with his passive/agressive (great timing for that other thread) whining that I must not like him very much because I'm not out there with him (it's always about him). I think his anxiety is ramped up because of the impending layoffs next week. He's been agitated on and off lately.

    I don't think he understands what it's like to really parent the difficult children. He's usually off to bed and leaves me to deal with the hard stuff. Although that's not really fair, it's ended up being easier because he never knew how to be calm about dealing with difficult child behaviors. He would let his emotions get too wrapped up in things and they escalated and got ugly. Or he wouldn't deal with them at all and there was no discipline or structure.

    I'm rambling now...

    This is such a misunderstood job I have. But I know you all "get" it. :D Thanks for letting me vent a little.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I feel guilty when this happens too but I just don't want to. husband has a big board nailed to the deck so we can watch movies outside... I've not been out when they have. Not once. I'm just not interested. I'd rather curl up with a book...

    So I think you're fine. HE needs to clean up though!
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It must be difficult to see the kids enjoying themselves and all you can think of is what you need to do to get things going for the next day. Sometimes dad's get to be the disneyland parent. All fun and no work. On the other hand there are a lot of dads who aren't in the least interested in doing fun stuff like this with their kids. He is out there making memories that will be in your kids heads forever. You don't have to participate if you feel resentful but don't ruin it for the kids.
    Good naturedly you can remind them that there are some things to finish for school and if the grown boy scout could help with that too you would be happy. Us moms,(me for sure) tend to be all work and check lists. It's how we survive our days and get over our own feelings of frustration but I try to step back and hopefully see that there is something special going on with the kids and their dad.
    If you can get past the resentment then maybe what he is doing is a good thing. Now to get him to help with the other things is always a trick. No dad is all bad if they do something, anything with their kids.
    I guess I have to cling to the glass half full when I'm feeling resentful. I know I'm no bucket of laughs and having fun infused via dad is helpful to me. Reminds me to lighten up and try to enjoy parenting when the opportunity arises.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I know what you mean....

    Every now and a again, my H becomes engaged and wants to enjoy some family time with everyone (because outside of dinnertime, he usually doesn't) and it just so happens that by the time H is into it, I'm burnt out and don't want to be a part of it at all. I'd rather escape and read quietly somewhere. I get it.

    GVC, I am glad that you took that time to yourself. You need to do that as often as possible!! Don't feel guilty. Soon, school will be out, pressure about schedules and homework will be out of the way and you will have a chance to breathe a little.
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi gcvmom...
    I don't think you should feel guilty about getting alittle break time before you have even more work to do...difficult child homework, cleanup etc.

    Hope husband's anxiety level calms down a bit soon and that the end of the school year brings you some much needed relief too.

  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I think because you have to do so much all of the time number.

    Your husband can be a difficult child a lot of the time. So when he is feeling better then he can just be who he feels like at the moment. You on the other hand do not get that luxury, or at least can't let yourself ever fall apart.

    There is husband outside, "I am going to be the fun Dad, grill with the kids", even though he is likely not trying to be anything but a fun Dad. He is probably not trying to make you feel bad or hurt you.

    But he likely doesn't even see or realize that you still HAVE to do all of the other things, you don't get to relax, you don't get to let yourself just skip a day or not worry about clean up or medications etc....

    So when you see them outside doing things like this, how could you not feel a little PO'd, feel a little like you just want to goof off and not worry about anything once in awhile?
    If you do go out there all you would think about is all of the stuff you need to do, homework, medications, being the bad guy...

    So if I were in your position I would likely not want to go outside either.

    At least this is how I see one possibility. I know when I am over at my In-Laws I feel this was.

    Maybe you need to have a pact, when he is feeling better he needs to help out more?
    Or will he act like the kids with this? LOL

    At least the chickies give good love!
  12. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Tell husband to stuff a sock in it. I don't blame you for wanting some time to yourself. He had been sleeping so much that you haven't gotten much of a break, so when he's awake, you should feel the instinct of curling up in a shell and taking care of you. When you aren't taking care of the kids, you are taking care of him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A few things for you.

    1) Try to not feel resentful or anxious over this. Sometimes even when jobs, homework etc are hanging over us, we need time out. Opportunities like this should never be missed. Relax and smile.

    2) You don't have to join in if you don't want to. However, you need to stay out of it with good grace. A passive-aggressive will too readily see your self-exclusion as a passive-aggressive act in itself. This must not be allowed or any good from this event will be undermined. So if you choose to stay inside, then make it obvious you're doing it in good grace. Even if you're not. Stick your head out occasionally and make a point of smiling at the happy family scene.

    3) WHen husband comes at you accusing you of being a wet blanket, give him a hug and say, "I'm enjoying watching you having a special moment with your kids. I tihnk it's wonderful that you can do this, wonderful that they are enjoying this with you. I could come out and join you but it wouldn't be the same. They need these moments with you sometimes, they get enough of me. So get back out there and enjoy being king of their world, at least for now. It won't last so enjoy it while you can. Don't worry about me, I've got my own stuff I'm doing for now. I'm happy with what you're doing - I think you're being a lovely dad to our kids."

    ANd try to beleive it. YOu will feel better for it, he will feel better for it, the kids will feel better for it - and maybe when they come indoors in half an hour or so, they will feel much more relaxed about getting on and doing their homework. Or whatever.

    Whereas if they feel cranky and resentful because there was a dampener on their fun, you will get less out of them in terms of productivity.

    THis works. It really does. PLus you really can't manufacture those special moments. Good for husband thinking of this. But not good for him getting cranky with you.

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I dunno. I know a lot of times in the past it's always been ME that did nearly everything. I did it because either DF would whimp out and tell me the standard "You're so much better at these things." (and I think yes but who can put the garbage in the herbie-curbie like YOU, who can put gas in my car like YOU, who can clean up dog barf like YOU) and except for that last one? ME....I can do it all. I don't like to, most days I don't want to - but I just do it.

    I also think that in my parenting this was a huge problem that I didn't recognize in myself until it was pointed out to me in therapy. If something wasn't being done fast or right or good - I seemed to have buttinski disease and rushed in to fix it fast, right and couldn't let someone else do it slower, wrong and innacurate. I really had to learn how to delegate and it was hard. BECAUSE it was a lot easier to do it all on my onesies than it was to illicit the help of a bumbling, frustrated DF and a short tempered, highly aggitated difficult child.

    They also got into the habit of me doing MOST of everything. And eventually I got resentful of both of them. The things that I started to do, just because I could do them faster and right the first time became MY chores, MY job - my problem. And I would sit back and think "HOW can I get them to do ANYTHING - they do NOTHING." and I only really had myself to blame. Given a chance to do it over - OH BOY would everyone be involved in EVERYTHING and would I have taken a mothers little helper or some damn thing to keep my nose out of it all. Seriously.

    My best advice in hindsite? TAKE TIME FOR YOU because if you don't take it few people are going to GIVE it to you because you get viewed as SUPER MOM - and SUPERHEROS don't get vacations or breaks because everyone is so dependent on them - they can't.

    I'm glad you got some time to get chickens......OH and by the way - I'll be pulling your iris this weekend. White - and with the leaves. THey'll arrive wilted but still plantable. I finally made it to the post office to get a priority box.