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What is reasonable?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 472451" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I can't pretend this is at all the same as dealing with new found "chemically clean" with my own child but this does fit the feeling of distancing yourself and waiting for "more" I'm order to have some trust and to offer hugs and praise. </p><p>My s/o's sister spun out of cOntrol for a long time. Her addiction took its toll on the entire family. Other than her husband who lived 5 hrs away for her work and her difficult child kids, s/o and I were the family living in town. Boy she badly affected our lives for 2 years with her addiction. When she moves cities to go with her husband we stopped contact. We had to for her sake but also our own. </p><p></p><p>She turned up her on the summer at our door a year after no contact. I didn't let her in. Her husband and kids were at the curb in the car. Broke my heart but when she said she was a few weeks clean on methadone and was ready to fix the relationship with me and her brother, I said no. Her speech showed more disregard and disbelief at the effect she had on our lives. She was nowhere near sobriety. Not yet. She simply was beginning to help herself. I know she thought I was cold. She didn't know how badly I missed her and s/o missed her. She at one point was my closest friend and she was the one of all the siblings my s/o was closest to. We too wanted to hug her, be cheerleaders, etc. we didn't. Instead I told her we would know he time to trust would only be when her manipulation of us stopped and when she openly realizes the damage incurred to the relationship and was prepared to work at it for real. </p><p></p><p>We hurt over that conversation. He did tell family we were cold. If she gets right with herself one day she will know how hard that was for us but oh so necessary. For us and even her in the long run. </p><p></p><p>For what it's worth it sounds to me like you're making healthy and helpful choices. And your trust will come when she's earned it. And when you do hug her and tell her you are proud of her she will know she earned it and she will be able to feel true pride on herself. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Sometimes giving what our children need most hurts us and them initially. It pays off.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 472451, member: 4264"] I can't pretend this is at all the same as dealing with new found "chemically clean" with my own child but this does fit the feeling of distancing yourself and waiting for "more" I'm order to have some trust and to offer hugs and praise. My s/o's sister spun out of cOntrol for a long time. Her addiction took its toll on the entire family. Other than her husband who lived 5 hrs away for her work and her difficult child kids, s/o and I were the family living in town. Boy she badly affected our lives for 2 years with her addiction. When she moves cities to go with her husband we stopped contact. We had to for her sake but also our own. She turned up her on the summer at our door a year after no contact. I didn't let her in. Her husband and kids were at the curb in the car. Broke my heart but when she said she was a few weeks clean on methadone and was ready to fix the relationship with me and her brother, I said no. Her speech showed more disregard and disbelief at the effect she had on our lives. She was nowhere near sobriety. Not yet. She simply was beginning to help herself. I know she thought I was cold. She didn't know how badly I missed her and s/o missed her. She at one point was my closest friend and she was the one of all the siblings my s/o was closest to. We too wanted to hug her, be cheerleaders, etc. we didn't. Instead I told her we would know he time to trust would only be when her manipulation of us stopped and when she openly realizes the damage incurred to the relationship and was prepared to work at it for real. We hurt over that conversation. He did tell family we were cold. If she gets right with herself one day she will know how hard that was for us but oh so necessary. For us and even her in the long run. For what it's worth it sounds to me like you're making healthy and helpful choices. And your trust will come when she's earned it. And when you do hug her and tell her you are proud of her she will know she earned it and she will be able to feel true pride on herself. Hang in there. Sometimes giving what our children need most hurts us and them initially. It pays off. [/QUOTE]
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