What is with this "friend"?

[klmno]

I've been chatting with different people online since I'm not comfortable going out to meet new people under the circumstances just yet. There is a female "friend" that lives about an hour drive's away and we started out emailing about once a day. Then, she would only email about every 2-3 days, but that was no big deal, I really didn't think anything about it. Then, she emailed that she could come to my area so we could get together and go to an event or do something fun sometime- you know, just hang out. I said ok and asked when was a convenient time. She didn't email back for 4 weeks, then emails today apologogizing if "she forgot to respond to my last email" and saying she'd still like to get together sometime. I responded with a brief "things are about the same" email and didn't say anything about getting together or ask any questions- just mentioned that I was glad things were going well with her.

She emailed back asking if I found any upcoming events that we could get together and do. I responded with a link to a website showing an events calendar and told her I just needed a couple of days notice if she wanted to get together. She emailed back saying "well, she's busy with work right now- but she would like to get together" soon. That was it. I just responded "ok" and let it go. This does not seem normal to me for a lady in her 50's. This seems more like someone who has no idea what they are doing.

Does this seem odd to others?

 

[Suz]

Yep. It could be any number of things. Heck, it could be a high school kid pretending he/she's the kid's Mom. Or it could be a guy pretending to be a woman. Exchanging pictures isn't a guarantee the person is who he/she says he is online.

I'd move on. It sure sounds like this is *sport* to this person, not a sincere interest in friendship.

Suz

 

[klmno]

We had spoken on the phone once for about an hour or so. She gave me some advice about a previous crush I had on someone. She definitely sounded like a woman in her 50's. Anyway, I guess I'll just ignore any correspondence from her in the future if others don't see something I'm missing here. I don't want to be rude to her or anyone but having a friend to get together with sometimes isn't supposed to be this hard or game-ridden.

 

[susiestar]

If it feels wrong it is wrong. Period. Trust your instinct on this. It seems wrong, almost like a game. I am willing to bet that if you named an event it would turn out to be a big "deal" and she would go on about how she knows it is important but she is so busy, but she will just tear herself away. All designed to make you know her time is busy and important but she is willing to go because it is "so" important to you. Then she won't have $$ to pay her share, or her lunch or whatever. Bet ya.

Just don't answer the phone or block her number. Block her from your friends lists.

Move on.

 

[Marguerite]

She could be a legit person but sounds like she's unsure of what she wants and although the suggetsion came fomr her, now she's getting cold feet.

I think this happens more than we realise. There is a woman whocontacted me after my political campaign a couple of years ago to get an autism class in our area (I succeeeded). But I had to find people online, I had to post an email address and get people's names and contact details so I could then say, "I have X number of people."

Well recently I was contacted again by the mother of a teen boy with Asperger's. She rang my home phone and talked for over an hour so I suggested we meet in person in a nearby park. We brought our boys, I also brought mother in law so we could do some shopping afterwards. I gave this woman my mobile number so we could make contact with one another. She had told me her name but I couldn't for the life of me remember her or place her.

We had a productive meeting but I had the feelnig that whatever I suggested or explained about our own experiences, she was going to do what SHE wanted and then complain about the outcome. In other words, she intended to reinvent the wheel. OK, that's cool.

Then I began to get text message after text message. I replied because I HAD met her, she IS legit, she does need help. But rapidly my phone was filling up with her messages and my kids weren't getting through.

Then she rang during easy child 2/difficult child 2's rehearsal dinner a couple of weeks ago. I missed the call, didn't recognise the number and rang back - to walk into a long conversation beginning when I had low battery and other obligations. I told her to ring my home number (I made sure she had it) next morning. I stayed in - no calls.

I'm wondering if you have someone similar - needs to talk, needs support but having great difficulty reaching out and following through.

I suggest you do what I'm planning - talk if she wants to, but keep your own personal stuff out of it and if she suggests a meting, ask, "Are you sure? You don't have to," and see where it goes.

Be wary. I don't think she's an axe murderer, but she still may not be very stable. Especially if she blows hot and cold like this.

To be the one to suggest a meeting and then act like it's YOUR idea and she's not keen on it - that's a bit weird and tells me she's very shy about sticking her neck out too far. She may have a family member advising her to not allow the friendship to get to the physical meeting stage. Or there could be someone else intercepting the emails and responding.

Cool it right back. Don't shut off all communication unless you feel safer doing so, but I would definitely pull back from revealing anything more about yourself.

Marg

 

[Hound dog]

Marg made some very valid points.

I wouldn't totally ignore her just yet........but I'd pull back and see what happens.

Could be she doesn't know what she wants.........could be a game........could be she's extremely shy and tends to back out at the last second cuz of anxiety. Who knows?

I have to be cautious because mine tend to go the other way where they all but smother me. And it's often much too much, much too fast. Like that lady on farmtown. Who can expect to be (or act like) they're someone's closest bestest friend in under 2 hours?? By the 2nd day she was inviting me to Mexico and talking about coming to the states and seeing me. Uh, no thanks. You may be just a sweet middle aged woman who is lonely cuz her daughter is at college.....but I don't know that, nor does she know I'm nice lil ol' me and not some homicidal manic for Pete's sake! Sheesh 2 days does not a bff friendship make.

I've met people I've "clicked" instantly with, but even those times it still takes time to know the person and develop the friendship.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh but Lisa...I have had people want to come live with me in under 2 hours! Really. Just ask Fran! They didnt nickname me Motel 6 here awhile back for nothing...lol. If you were a difficult child of any sort and needed a place to stay...just look for my porch light, it was always on...lmao.

Tony has finally put his foot down and told me I cannot keep offering my home as a group home.

 

[Hound dog]

lmao janet. You don't know how releaved I am to not be the only person with this problem. I used to think I had something tatooed across my forhead that was sort of like a neon sign to these types of people. lmao

 

[witzend]

Maybe she's agorophobic (sp?) and wants to try to get out but can't bring herself to? If she does it again, say "I'm going to be at such and such Mall on Thursday for an appointment and can meet you at the Olive Garden off the highway for lunch at 12:30. Let me know if that works for you." Then she has to respond right away!

 

[klmno]

I thought about that, Witz, but unless she is a major lier, it doesn't add up. It seems much easier to just forget about it because it's not like we are talking about a relationship here- just platonic friendship- and we've been emailing about 3 mos, I guess.

She gave me what I consider excellent advice and a new viewpoint about a situation I was wondering what to do about. She had also wrote about being hurt by a friend who she had been emailing with some time ago. She said they had emailed a lot and seemed like very close friends, then the woman started dating someone and just quit corresponding. She said this really left her feeling like she couldn't trust people. I thought that a little odd but figured there must be more to it than I was aware of. I find things odder now after she seems to be a yo-yo about our cyber-friendship.

I'm not going to make any plans around her, that's for sure. But, if she says she is coming to my area and wants to meet for lunch or something, if she didn't show up it wouldn't really be that big of a deal.

 

[Marguerite]

She could be the yo-yo herself, or she could be turning into a yo-yo after a previous bad experience has made her gun-shy of email friendships.

As for the friend who (allegedly) quit correspondi ng once she got into a relationship with a bloke - some women are like that, I find it really annoying too. I had a friend I worked with, we would arrange to meet for lunch every day and just tlak, or go shopping. Northing nailed down, but I did feel she owed me a little honesty and respect. She began seeing a bloke in her office and it was pathetic, when he crooked his finger at her she would drop any plans she had with me because of course for a MAN, a plan with a female friend had to take second place. She would arrange to meet me for lunch and a bit of shopping at the nearby mall, then I would either be left standing or, if I was lucky, I would get a phone call just as I was heading out the door to say she had a better offer.
But when he was unavailable, I had to be waiting and ready. She got quite huffy with me if I had made other plans. Why had I not told her? she would whine.

Unfortunately, that is not uncommon. A lot of women are like this, it gives the rest of us a bad name.

Klmno, I would take things slowly and quietly. Respond if she emails you, don't suggest anything, be friendly but non-committal. That way if and when it fizzles, nobody is to blame except circumstances. And if she picks up and gets friendlier and more genuine, you both will benefit also.

But especially these days some people are more capable of friendship at arm's distance.

Up close is too personal.

Marg