What Next???!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by April, Nov 12, 2007.

  1. April

    April New Member

    Ok, so here I am stuck trying to keep my family together. Our foster son's behavior has just gone down the toilet! He is lying several times a day, stealing about once a week, and doesn't care who he hurts. The psychiatric mentioned in patient care, but being in the foster system means that the psychiatric can only make suggestions, the case manager makes the call. Add to that, the case manager is non-responsive and you have the greatest recipe for :grrr:

    We are worried about out foster daughter, because we have to spend all our time policing her brothers activities...his behavior is hurting her (not physically)

    His behavior has both my husband and I in therapy too! I am going to get hypnotised tomorrow to help me find my happy place :smile: and learn how to force myself to release the extra anxiety. My husband has been going for anger management so that he doesn't end up abusing our son.

    I also think that my husband has given up, he isn't fighting for us or for our family any more. 4 1/2 months just isn't enough time to expect the changes that we need to see, and it is tearing me apart! :sad: I used to be able to know that my husband was there for me no matter what, and stood right beside me ready to fight, but he has changed so much because of all of this...and he isn't sure it is worth it.

    I am not really looking for anything other than a soft place to land right now. Thanks!!!
  2. April

    April New Member

    I guess I forgot to mention that our son's bio-father has been discovered, and has sever anger, behavior, and control issues...they with held that info from us until just last night when we called the case manager at the end of our rope.
  3. waytootired

    waytootired New Member

    Bless your heart...it is sooo tough getting through these times. I an happy to hear that you are all getting some extra help to get through this. I will pray for your family to be able to hang on until your therapies give aid to your situations.

    )))Huge Hugs((( You can always find shoulder's to lean on here! :wink:
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'll give you a big hug. Before you finalize the adoption, PLEASE be sure you are up for this, especially if you plan on having an infant one day that this boy or even the girl may harm. I've been a foster parent and adopted three kids from foster care. Only one still lives with us (and we got him at the young age of two and he had never been abused). Adopting older kids and foster kids is a work in progress that may never get you exactly what you want (a family feeling). And please be careful of your kids--sexually abused kids are more apt to act out on others than those who haven't been. This happened with one of our sons. We didn't realize it, but he was sexually abusing our younger two kids. Rarely do adoptive parents get the big picture. Sometimes the case manager simply doesn't know what has happened to the child before you got him. I would make sure there is an alarm on the door at night or a videocamera--I wish we'd known to do this. We hadn't known the boy had been sexually abused, and the boy himself didn't remember it happening. However, he obviously had it happen to him somewhere..he turned out to be quite dangerous. You should probably have your daughter in therapy for sexual abuse, even if she is acting ok now. Just a suggestion.
    I'm not saying this to dash you're hopes--just to make you realize that your family could be very different than if these kids had come to you in infancy before all the bad stuff happened. Are you in a local foster/adoptive support group? I highly recommend it!
    Welcome to the board.
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Adopting an older child is not for the faint-hearted. I know this is not what you want to hear but my gut feeling is that you have only emptied the top of the barrel as to your son's and daughter's behavior. Part of it will be testing you to see if you're really there for the long haul. That will go away. However, what will not go away are the underlying issues of abuse, neglect, abandonment, attachment. Add any possible mental defects suchs as fetal alcohol/drug issues, chemical imbalances and the like and you have a very long, hard road that may not be successful.

    Our kids have destroyed more than one marriage and that's when they were bio-kids or adopted at birth. You both need to be on the same page. If you're looking at hypnosis now and your husband is already into anger management, imagine what it will be like 4 years down the road -- the changes you hope to see take years. Please be sure you truly can do this.

    If you really think you can keep this up for a long, long time, go for it! The rewards are great. If you have doubts, get some help making this decision now with an unbiased adoption therapsit. Make sure you have lots of supports in place for all of you and that they will be there long after the adoptions are final.

    It is possible that the kids will have to be split. It is desired that siblings be adopted together but it is not uncommon for them to be separated because one is abusing the other. Do watch for signs -- it is very common for an abused child to hide that abuse, especially if the abuse is at the hands of a sibling.

    I will tell you that when I first got my daughter, life was sheer he11. If I was lucky, I got 3 hours sleep a night for 3 years. I was battered by her on a daily basis. The first year was simply spent teaching her how to be a child. The second was teaching her how to be a child with some manners. The third was showing her that she could be happy even if she didn't get her way. I was lucky -- I walked into it with my eyes fully open. I had a pretty complete history of her past (which is very rare in older-child adoptions). I had a great therapist for her. I had an even better therapist for me. Even so, I almost gave up. At age 14, I was truly on the verge of disrupting the adoption. Had she not gone to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), there is no way I could have continued parenting my daughter -- she needed more than I could give her.

    So, you have my sympathies. I do understand your pain and frustration. I just hope you truly understand what you are trying to do here and understand the risks.

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, April, I am so sorry about your whole situation. The stress between you and your husband is actually typical, but no less heartwrenching.
    Are you planning on adopting these kids?
    From whom is your foster son stealing? Inside the home or outside the home? Actually, it makes a difference. Even PCs steal from their parents ... cash, cigarettes, etc. But you imply that he steals from stores or elsewhere.
    So sorry that you were not given full disclosure. It does not help your situation that you are forced to be blind until you put up a fuss.
    Good luck with-the hypnosis. I've done neurofeedback for headaches. It works, but it's hard work because you have to practice at home. Eventually it becomes 2nd nature, sort of like taking in a breath b4 you dive underwater.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I was hypnotized. It was very releasing for me. I did it in EMDR therapy. It actually changed my life for the better. I remember staring at a red light on the blind and then something about raise this arm, raise that one and then Time to go. I looked at the clock and apologized - I thought I had gone to sleep.

    In actuality I opened up and allowed the therapist to do a little investigative digging that I wanted to be brought out so I could deal with it, but without hypnosis I had no idea what was bothering me. Freaky, but good. If you can get into EMDR it's REALLY worth the time.

    In your post I sense a lot of frustration and uncertainty. Mostly about your marriage. Maybe before you do a permanent thing - you should take some time for yourself and hubby to really see how everyone feels about being a family. Talk to your therapist - heck print out what you wrote us - it says a tremendous amount about how much you care, how you're worried about your marriage, how you worry for your kids and kid to be - worth putting a lot of things on hold to be sure.

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Oh yea

    Your happy place isn't hard to find - it's just a journey to get there, and a battle to keep it happy until you figure yourself out.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Many gentle hugs to you this morning.

    Looking at your signature, I see that you list your difficult child daughter as having no real problems however has a hx of being abused in about every way possible. Those are huge problems that will haunt her & you for years to come.

    Your difficult child son - if psychiatrist says inpatient, it should happen. Period! CM be damned. The reality is that you have every right to call CM & have that child removed from your home. Especially if the county is refusing proper & prescribed treatment.

    Having said that, you are in for the long haul. These children are not for the faint of heart. They affect each & every area of your life. My health & my marriage were the first targets.

    The tweedles triangulated husband & myself; pushed my body past what a normal body tolerates physically, mentally, emotionally.

    Now is the time for taking a long hard look at this. Unfortunately, love doesn't cure these children - if that were the case you'd see many children on this board being called PCs. It's a lifetime commitment & an exhausting one at that.

    There has been an ongoing debate on nature versus nurture; in many of our kids cases, we are seeing nature rear it's very ugly head. The mental illnesses, drug addictions, etc in the bio family & that was not disclosed to husband & myself (& to many other adoptive parents on this board).

    God - I wished love cured our children!

    Please take the time now to examine this lifetime decision. husband & I decided 2 years ago that our marriage came before the children. Before our marriage - we each, individually had to care for ourselves. It's been an enlightening 2 years & the realizations continue. However, both husband & I are stronger - emotionally & mentally, now. We are both on the same page.

    And our son wm no longer lives under our roof. Yes, my daughter's twin daughter lives about 30 miles away. It's the only way our family was going to survive.

    Right, wrong, or indifferent - we've learned & are learning to be "a family of different addresses". It's just another way to be a family.

    Just a few thoughts on this - it's a heart wrenching place to be.

    by the way, when & if you & husband work this out; become stronger individually & as a couple, these children can be rewarding. The rewards are few & far between; you have to look for them. Sometimes you have to create the positives, but they are there.

    Good luck & please keep us updated.