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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756820" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Reading between the lines I hear that you don't want her to leave.</p><p></p><p>You have a choice: Do you focus upon what she is accomplishing, what she has already accomplished, while she takes on more responsibilities, (ie rent), or do you cut her loose, focusing upon the things that have been persistently triggers?</p><p></p><p>Consistently your daughter has bucked you, since you've been here, as I recall. I have thought that her efforts to define herself and her life were age appropriate however unpleasant she has been. And you have struggled to not react. Valiantly you have tried not to personalize this, a situation you find very emotionally wounding, to not take her defiance and rejection as somehow against you. We have talked about this repeatedly. In an exemplary and admirable way you have been growing in response to your daughter's push to emancipate, while allowing her space to grow and change.</p><p></p><p>As an observer, this (the above paragraph) is the main issue of your ongoing effort to parent this adult child. The specific face of the issue changes (like the tip of each iceberg looks different, ie, the therapist, the car, the marijuana, etc. but the iceberg under the water remains the same. Because the real issue that your daughter is working out is a desire to separate emotionally from you, her mother. She would do this to any mother. Individuating, separating are essential to growing up in a healthy way. And it offers us as parents an opportunity to revisit wounds and inadequacies in our own lives. In that sense it's been a powerful opportunity to you. And you are doing this.</p><p></p><p>So much of what your daughter does is blowing smoke in your face. You react to the smoke, but more and more, and more and more quickly you're aware that that's just so much smoke.</p><p></p><p>This is blowing smoke in your face:</p><p>Under the smoke is daughter's desire to do what she wants when she wants it. That's true with my son too.</p><p></p><p>I see the problem as they're in our homes. And as such we have power, responsibility and control. Why? Because it's our house. And why? Because they're our children. It is this authority and control they don't want to give us. Because their aim is different and opposed. Again, I will repeat it. They want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. That's age appropriate and healthy. To a point.</p><p></p><p>Over and over again on this forum we see that the only resolution is that they leave our homes.</p><p></p><p>The problem for us, is often times we are extremely ambivalent about their leaving, and very opposed to giving into their behaviors that oppose us. We believe we know better. We want to protect them. So we want and seek control over their choices. The rationale while they're in our house, is that we have the right to make the rules. Thus your situation. And my own. CD exists to work out these contradictions, as I see it.</p><p></p><p>I find this ridiculous:I don't know why this annoys me so much. Maybe because I believe with all of my heart that as parents we are responsible to take a stand for our children. According to what we KNOW and believe is the best for them. But doing so, is not such an easy thing. </p><p></p><p>I have a really hard time in my own home overlooking my son doing something I know is self-destructive. To me, to see self-destructiveness done away from my house, while letting him back in, is a cop out.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, marijuana is legal all over. That we have an issue with it, is really about us, not them. Adult people have a right to make decisions for themselves about their lives. It's just that we don't like our kids decisions. And after all, they are in our homes. Whose problem is that? Whose responsibility is that?</p><p></p><p>To me, it all goes back to the issue of living together and having the generations' lives entangled so that we become enmeshed. And there's no way around it. Because they're in our face.</p><p></p><p>But then the other side of the coin is that we are still parents. If we truly believe that they are in danger, or morally compromised, I believe I have a responsibility to take a hard stand. Which is what I have done. But I tried every other thing over and over again, before I came to this.</p><p></p><p>The questions are these: Do you want to harbor your child, knowing she is a drug user? Does it matter to you that it is marijuana, rather than a harder drug? Is this the time you want to take a stand? What is the best for you? What protects your own integrity and emotions? Not one parent here knows the answer to these questions for you.</p><p></p><p>I have long had a battle with my own child about marijuana use, on my property and coming home stoned. But the thing is my son did not graduate from college, is not working, is not productive and aside from being in a sober living home, because I tightened severely the conditions near me, is barely functional. I believed that the marijuana could well be a factor underlying his marginal functioning. After all was said and done,I could not overlook it. Because to me overlooking it would be pure enabling.</p><p></p><p>But the "harm reduction model" of addiction probably would argue the opposite. Maybe that quote that so annoys me comes from "harm reduction."</p><p></p><p>I believe my son wants to come back to the property I own. I won't allow it. There is the added complication now that he's stable on antiviral medication, only because he had the stability of the house I own, and now the stability of the sober living facility.</p><p></p><p>He is threatening to go back to the big metro near me. I know that this choice will be greatly destabilizing to him. And he will stop the antivirals. Which is dangerous. And he will become homeless again. Nonetheless, I will not let him back. What it will take to rethink this, I don't know.</p><p> It appears that she has been openly violating this rule continuously. I don't see the point of continually repeating it. She does not care what the rule is. This is a struggle for dominance which is age appropriate. She wants to be in charge of herself. This has been the baseline for her.</p><p>I don't believe her. Do you?</p><p></p><p>Wise. I don't think anybody here is in a position to counsel you. The variables are too intertwined, and this is so, so personal. It depends upon what you define as your major goal. Your major goal may not be getting her compliance on the marijuana. But then do you have to change the rules, or become more flexible? I don't know.</p><p></p><p>You've made good decisions every step of the way, as demonstrated by your daughter's and son's continual and steadily improving functioning. Good luck.</p><p></p><p>PS I have an acquaintance of many years, whose son is my son's friend. The Dad had a no marijuana, no inebriation rule in the house. The son continually violated it, but not in the Dad's face. The Dad never called him on it. I think it was because the Dad wanted the son close in. The son was doing pretty good, not great, and the Dad wanted to support the son. (In fact, my son was living with this family and the Dad threw out my son, for overhearing him on the phone arrange to buy marijuana, but not the son.)</p><p></p><p>I write this because I think there are millions and millions of parents in the same boat. And I guess there are another million ways we respond.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756820, member: 18958"] Reading between the lines I hear that you don't want her to leave. You have a choice: Do you focus upon what she is accomplishing, what she has already accomplished, while she takes on more responsibilities, (ie rent), or do you cut her loose, focusing upon the things that have been persistently triggers? Consistently your daughter has bucked you, since you've been here, as I recall. I have thought that her efforts to define herself and her life were age appropriate however unpleasant she has been. And you have struggled to not react. Valiantly you have tried not to personalize this, a situation you find very emotionally wounding, to not take her defiance and rejection as somehow against you. We have talked about this repeatedly. In an exemplary and admirable way you have been growing in response to your daughter's push to emancipate, while allowing her space to grow and change. As an observer, this (the above paragraph) is the main issue of your ongoing effort to parent this adult child. The specific face of the issue changes (like the tip of each iceberg looks different, ie, the therapist, the car, the marijuana, etc. but the iceberg under the water remains the same. Because the real issue that your daughter is working out is a desire to separate emotionally from you, her mother. She would do this to any mother. Individuating, separating are essential to growing up in a healthy way. And it offers us as parents an opportunity to revisit wounds and inadequacies in our own lives. In that sense it's been a powerful opportunity to you. And you are doing this. So much of what your daughter does is blowing smoke in your face. You react to the smoke, but more and more, and more and more quickly you're aware that that's just so much smoke. This is blowing smoke in your face: Under the smoke is daughter's desire to do what she wants when she wants it. That's true with my son too. I see the problem as they're in our homes. And as such we have power, responsibility and control. Why? Because it's our house. And why? Because they're our children. It is this authority and control they don't want to give us. Because their aim is different and opposed. Again, I will repeat it. They want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. That's age appropriate and healthy. To a point. Over and over again on this forum we see that the only resolution is that they leave our homes. The problem for us, is often times we are extremely ambivalent about their leaving, and very opposed to giving into their behaviors that oppose us. We believe we know better. We want to protect them. So we want and seek control over their choices. The rationale while they're in our house, is that we have the right to make the rules. Thus your situation. And my own. CD exists to work out these contradictions, as I see it. I find this ridiculous:I don't know why this annoys me so much. Maybe because I believe with all of my heart that as parents we are responsible to take a stand for our children. According to what we KNOW and believe is the best for them. But doing so, is not such an easy thing. I have a really hard time in my own home overlooking my son doing something I know is self-destructive. To me, to see self-destructiveness done away from my house, while letting him back in, is a cop out. On the other hand, marijuana is legal all over. That we have an issue with it, is really about us, not them. Adult people have a right to make decisions for themselves about their lives. It's just that we don't like our kids decisions. And after all, they are in our homes. Whose problem is that? Whose responsibility is that? To me, it all goes back to the issue of living together and having the generations' lives entangled so that we become enmeshed. And there's no way around it. Because they're in our face. But then the other side of the coin is that we are still parents. If we truly believe that they are in danger, or morally compromised, I believe I have a responsibility to take a hard stand. Which is what I have done. But I tried every other thing over and over again, before I came to this. The questions are these: Do you want to harbor your child, knowing she is a drug user? Does it matter to you that it is marijuana, rather than a harder drug? Is this the time you want to take a stand? What is the best for you? What protects your own integrity and emotions? Not one parent here knows the answer to these questions for you. I have long had a battle with my own child about marijuana use, on my property and coming home stoned. But the thing is my son did not graduate from college, is not working, is not productive and aside from being in a sober living home, because I tightened severely the conditions near me, is barely functional. I believed that the marijuana could well be a factor underlying his marginal functioning. After all was said and done,I could not overlook it. Because to me overlooking it would be pure enabling. But the "harm reduction model" of addiction probably would argue the opposite. Maybe that quote that so annoys me comes from "harm reduction." I believe my son wants to come back to the property I own. I won't allow it. There is the added complication now that he's stable on antiviral medication, only because he had the stability of the house I own, and now the stability of the sober living facility. He is threatening to go back to the big metro near me. I know that this choice will be greatly destabilizing to him. And he will stop the antivirals. Which is dangerous. And he will become homeless again. Nonetheless, I will not let him back. What it will take to rethink this, I don't know. It appears that she has been openly violating this rule continuously. I don't see the point of continually repeating it. She does not care what the rule is. This is a struggle for dominance which is age appropriate. She wants to be in charge of herself. This has been the baseline for her. I don't believe her. Do you? Wise. I don't think anybody here is in a position to counsel you. The variables are too intertwined, and this is so, so personal. It depends upon what you define as your major goal. Your major goal may not be getting her compliance on the marijuana. But then do you have to change the rules, or become more flexible? I don't know. You've made good decisions every step of the way, as demonstrated by your daughter's and son's continual and steadily improving functioning. Good luck. PS I have an acquaintance of many years, whose son is my son's friend. The Dad had a no marijuana, no inebriation rule in the house. The son continually violated it, but not in the Dad's face. The Dad never called him on it. I think it was because the Dad wanted the son close in. The son was doing pretty good, not great, and the Dad wanted to support the son. (In fact, my son was living with this family and the Dad threw out my son, for overhearing him on the phone arrange to buy marijuana, but not the son.) I write this because I think there are millions and millions of parents in the same boat. And I guess there are another million ways we respond. [/QUOTE]
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