What on earth is wrong with me.....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Good Grief!!!

    Every single box I am packing makes me cry. I mean. WTH? I don't know what my deal is.

    I want to move - I am glad, happy, excited. So why is every single item that I put in a box making me cry?

    I can speculate as to why - but more than that I am just annoyed. It is very hard to pack, when you cry the entire time. Duh.

    OK, so I am still crying, now harder, as I am writing this - so it must be something deep that is bothering me. I don't know - I guess I had SO many hopes and dreams when I moved to AZ and they all got systematically crushed. One by one. Smashed.

    And now I am moving on, once again, to try to start over. And I am scared that once again - I will I will be a loser. It has been 44 years of loserville - and I am just so sad about it. Why even pack things when I am just going to mess things up again. Every book, every memento just reminds me of all my past f ups.

    I came out to AZ with this great job, and a beautiful townhome, a million miles of hiking - and Matt was excelling at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I had my dream. And now, its gone. Every single little piece of it. And not only is it gone - but the way that my dreams were lost - was excruciating. I had another nightmare last night about the harassment from my old job. That boss mentally messed me up more than I realized.

    When I was in WA I felt so much l like the universe was bringing my life together, finally. Than I come back here to AZ and that feeling stopped. I can only hope that once I get back there, the feeling will return.

    Right now I just want to stop crying, so I can pack - I have so much to do.
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Aw Big Hugs....all life changing events are emotional. Do the best you can in regards to packing and take little mini breaks - get outside for five minutes at a time, take a stroll, something to just get in little breaks.

    Above all, stop beating yourself up (I know, easier said than done). Having to start over doesn't mean loserville...in fact, it's quite the opposite. You had the sense and wherewithall to do what is necessary to get your life in order and begin anew. Consider it a rebirth, an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself, a presentation of new opportunities!

    Be gentle on yourself, it's okay to cry, take breaks, think about the upcoming possibilities. You're a special person and deserve to be content.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Keep in mind that I mean this with much love.

    Let yourself cry. Obviously you need it.

    Other than that, you've got to make a conscious decision to change your attitude and how you look at life in general.

    If you always expect to fail, dwell on the negatives of every situation, you're going to actually subconsciously set yourself up to fail.....and always see your life as bleak and hopeless.

    Yes you had high hopes when you moved to AZ. Some bad stuffed happened. Life also happened. But you got closer to both your mom and matt than ever. You also got a wonderful furbaby. And I bet if you try really hard.......you can find other good things that happened while you've been there, even if they're few and far between.

    That is what you focus on, not the bad stuff. The same goes for life in general.

    You're moving to be closer to both your Mom and Matt for a new beginning. That is an awesome thing. That takes the same courage that it took to move to AZ in the first place. You're NOT a loser, you never have been. But you get so caught up in the emotions of the bad crud of life that you prevent yourself from seeing that. No matter how bad things get, you tough it out. If you get knocked down, you pick yourself back up and move forward. You're much stronger than you'll ever realize. You're tough as nails. And brave as all hades. You can't be those things and be a loser. A loser gives up and waits for someone else to fix it while they cry over spilt milk. You don't give up, you keep pushing forward.

    IF I allowed myself to focus on all the bad garbage in my life I swear to you there wouldn't be enough medication to keep me out of a padded room and a straight jacket. I keep moving forward by focusing on the positive good things in my life, even if I'm at a point where I have to really actively look for them. I don't ignore the bad stuff, I just deal with it as best I can and then let it go so I can focus on more positive things.

    I know it can be really hard to feel positive about things when Life keeps throwing crud at you without giving you much of a break. Trust me, I'm the worlds biggest pessimist. lol But I've learned as I've grown older that my attitude has much more to do with things in my life as the stuff that is happening around me. If my attitude is in the toilet, even really good things I can't enjoy. If my attitude is positive and determined, things tend to work out in the end somehow. (how do you think I got through 4 yrs of school, especially the nursing part?)

    Feel the feelings. But try to focus on the good things that happened or whatever from AZ and look at this move as your next Great Adventure. A fresh start. The world is your oyster. You're not the same Steely who went to AZ, you've grown. You can so do this. I don't want to hear that "loser" word again. No way kiddo.

  4. keista

    keista New Member


    Focus on this. You are still mourning the loss of your last dream, but you have a NEW dream on the horizon that you are moving towards. Focus on the new dream to carry you through.

    I know it's not the 'right' way to get through difficult tasks, but it works for my kids as well as for me. Instead of taking breaks from the task, make the task the break. In other words change the timing. 5 minutes for the task, and then 15 minutes of relaxing time (or non-stressful task) Set a timer if you must. It might take longer to get things done, but it limits the amount of time that the unpleasant task has to put you into duress. As you feel stronger, you can increase the time.

    Thomas Edison tried and failed inventing the light-bulb over 1000 times. When asked about this he said that it was NOT true. He had found 1000 ways in which NOT to invent a light-bulb.

    You did not mess things up, they just got messed up. You are finding ways to get through, around and past that.
  5. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Oh Steely,

    Going thru things is hard sometimes. When I have packed and unpacked going to and leaving places, it has been emotional. I see things that remind me of times when difficult child was smaller and before medication and so many things have happened. It's hard. I wondered if I would ever find the place that I am supposed to be. I am there finally, and you will be too. This is the smallest apartment I have ever had. It's nice and it's perfect for me, nice yard. You will find the place where you really do feel comfortable and things will settle down. I hope this next place is it. I hope that you and T-pup can find some peace and happiness. You are not a LOSER!!! NOT, NOT, NOT. Some may disagree with this but I quit setting my goals so high. It kept me from feeling like I never achieved anything. I achieve things everyday, keeping a job, cleaning my apartment, finding some happiness everyday, recently I started eating healthy and exercising. We all have down moments, this must be just a really bad day for you. Many hugs and I hope you start feeling better. Remember you are not a loser and it's going to get better. I am envious that you had the guts and made the move.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just came back on here to apologize for the pity party and saw your posts, reminding me I was having one:) Thanks.

    Hound, I don't know what is wrong with me, that I can't focus on the positive. It really is a problem. It is like the negatives dominate all of my thinking, and if someone doesn't call me out on it - pretty soon I can get wrapped up in it tighter than a tic.

    I am having a lot of self esteem problems lately - I have to work on that. I just beat myself up constantly lately.

    I will reel in the negativity - except it stays in my gut - and I don't know how to make that go away. Maybe if I ignore it enough it too will go away.

    Sigh..............thanks for listening even though I was whining. I have stopped crying, so that is good! :)
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, Jody - that is exactly it. The things you find when packing. The other night I packed up my things I had left from my sister - I cried the rest of the night. Then difficult child stuff. And now it is missing my Dad who helped me move last time. It is all so emotional triggering.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    That is why I brought it up, hon.

    I used to do this too. And at one point it was so bad that I had to actually talk to myself out loud and tell myself that I am not a loser that I've done x, y, and z, and I am going to do a, b, and c and nothing is going to stop me. Same for looking for the good things.......I've had to list them out loud to make myself hear them. Over and over I did this until it finally sunk in and I could keep the bad in perspective again.

    There is nothing wrong with a pity party once in a while. We all do it. When it becomes a problem is when you can't get out of the groove. And yes, I've been there too. Katie is there now and I'm trying to help her see it.

    I still have moments when I tend to do it. Like I have katie and the kids coming over for a whole day soon. And I've caught myself grumbling about the cleaning when I know it's probably going to be semi trashed when they leave, and the tension over trying to prevent the boys from breaking things......I had to mentally STOP myself from doing that and remind myself that it feels good to visit with them regardless of those things, that they get a wealth of good from it........and that there are times when it is just not all about me. So now I'm cleaning with a much lighter heart and I'd be smiling if husband weren't busy aggravating me at every turn. lol

    If you can learn to catch yourself and switch gears it makes a ton of difference.

  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Steely, would it help to connect that negativity to the area you're at now and to leave it behind like forgotten luggage when you move?
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the "downs" in life are so battering that it affects our brain chemistry.
    Some people can move beyond this... others need help.
    If you have access to a psychiatrist, consider discussing medications... they can take the edge off the messed-up chemistry long enough for you to get through this and get your feet back under you...

    Just a thought... worked for difficult child.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Steely have you set up help for yourself when you get to your new home? Do you know where there is a gym to work off frustrations? A park to walk the dogs? A therapist to talk to when you need one? You seem overwhelmed and very sad. Not that anyone wouldn't be overwhelmed and sad in your situation, but I want to be sure that you have a plan in place for finding your center and finding a professional when you need it.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think making sure you have professionals in place is a good idea too. Dealing with packing up memories is difficult. been there done that.

    in my humble opinion you need to get through this and then make sure you have your medication and psychiatrist/therapist situation settled and find your peace. Then work on rebuilding your life. Find fun and joy for you.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't forget these changes are among the most stressful. Changing jobs, moving, death of a loved one - I mean really - give yourself some slack. You are doing well, in my humble opinion!

    I think the suggestion of getting some help set up when you move is a good one. I am sure you will have lots to talk through. But, be kind to yourself in the mean time.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, Busy, I was just remembering today, that in the last 9 months I have had 4 of the top five most stressful events that can happen to a person happen to me. Besides that, about 5 more in the last 3 years. It is a lot - and my therapist from Dallas was always so sweet and kind to remind me of that and tell me to be gentle to myself.

    Witz and Janet - one of the best things about where I am moving is that they just built a brand new "Living Well Center" right on the Columbia River. Their goal is to have an all inclusive place where one can go to get all their physical and mental needs met. It is in stage 2, so there will be more to come. So, as of yet, they do not have a therapist that I know of, but they do have a sleep clinic, some doctors, and on the bottom floor an enormous gym that looks over the Columbia River. It is 60.00 a month, which is a lot - but hopefully I can muster that up - because included in that gym fee are yoga classes, meditation classes, a pool, etc .

    One of the MAIN reasons Matt and I are both moving is to get better mental health care. Matt will be in Portland where there is more to chose from than any place I have been. I want to find us both a therapist that will do EMDR, which I can find in Portland, and then where I live I am sure I can find a good therapist of some sort.

    So yes, to answer your questions - I have got a plan :) Or maybe the plan found me, don't know which. I am just hesitant to be too hopeful because that was how I was moving to AZ - and I got so hurt from my hopes being blown up and disintegrated. So, now, I am just trying to be at peace that I know things and resources will now be available - and take one day at a time.

    Kind of in an interesting twist in things - my friend that also got fired from our company from Hades called me last week and asked if she could go to Oregon too. I was kinda caught off guard, but I told her that she could stay in the other guest house until she gets on her feet. So my mom will be popping in all the time, and my friend H and her son will be there - which is all very new for me. I tend to be a hermit and do not like roommates or people around me a lot - oh well!!! Again, I trust there is a plan that the universe is forming - and I just feel like I am riding it at the moment. I feel so numb most of the time, that I just don't have huge opinions right now.

    Thanks again for caring - I was able to pack the whole study with my million books yesterday - which was a huge chunk to hack off.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And sometimes, the best "help" of all is
    - to be on the receiving end of some TLC, and
    - to be in a position to give some TLC

    ... and it sounds like you're getting both of those.

    Hang in there.
    You will get there.