This has never, ever worked for us. I tried for 10 years. I could not learn. My son is 34, psychotic, and homeless living in a metropolitan area. I can only bear very brief contact with him. He has not worked for many years. He believes people are following him, filming him, etc. He has gotten into physical altercations a couple of times including twice where he was attacked with a knife. It is a miracle I don't collapse just typing that.
The only way I can talk to my son is to tell him he needs treatment. There is nothing else to say. I am direct with him. I tell him this is not how we live and he deserves to live better. I speak from my heart, of the pain. I do not force myself to do anything anymore than I can bear that gives me pain. And yet my heart is broken. Especially today. He left my town. I could not, would not see him. It breaks my heart.
My son feels he is safe. (He sleeps in bushes at a college, most of the time.) He feels he is making safe choices. He is at least considering treatment. I tell him I love him and he tells me he loves me. I am beyond grateful for that.
I have to have hope. I cannot live without hope.
But the other stuff, the financial support, the conditions, involving myself in his life, in choices that were only his to make, what mistakes. I agree with your husband. It's enough.
There was a mother on this site who joined the year I did. Her son is paranoid schizophrenic. Her name is FeelingSad. She came when she was forced to get a restraining order against her son for 5 years because she feared he would kill her. As far as I know, she has not seen or spoken to her son since that time--it would be over 8 years now. Her heart broke. As far as she knows her son is okay. These guys get by. As the years went by she made a life where she could thrive. Then she feared her middle son was becoming paranoid schizophrenic. How much pain can we bear?
Never in a million years would I believe that our situation would deteriorate this way, but it has.
Your life, your marriage, and your family over and above and apart from your ill son have intrinsic and equal value. Sacrificing these things does not help. I think it makes it harder for our ill children when we sacrifice ourselves. I think it's harder on them when the boundaries are blurry. I think it is harder on them when they are not held responsible for themselves. It infantilizes them.
Your son has great attributes. To be a stellar worker with a great work ethic is a huge deal. To have been self-supporting, wonderful. Your son sounds smart and capable. He needs to face himself and his life. Where he has to deal with the consequences of his choices, even greatly impaired ones. There is a plethora of support if he were to be open to it, one day. If he is sheltered, he won't ever have the need to open to the support he needs. I believe he can do this. Many, many people do. Trust him. Trust hope. I am. If I can do it, you can too.
