It's not that.
Let me say what I mean. Your center of gravity now is in him. How he will change. Could change. What message he will get? If this or that will motivate or affect him. That never works.
Persisting with the idea that there is something YOU can do vs HE has to do is the problem. This is the thing that blurs the message. It's even worse than this. It gives HIM power and control over YOU. Because he knows he can manipulate you because YOU care so much. This gives him leverage over you. (And it's crazy-making. Just as bad or worse, this disincentivizes him to DO FOR HIMSELF. (How do I know this? I've lived it. )
Let me repeat: worrying about how or what you should do to have influence over him, teaches him that he can manipulate you. It teaches him how to manipulate you. The message he gets is he survives and prospers by manipulating YOU.
But there's more. Worst of all, you give up yourself. And the result in my experience is horrific. Your well-being becomes contingent on his well-being. The reality is that YOU have not one whit of control over him. The worst of it is that you risk effectively abandoning yourself.
The messages HE needs to get are from his own brain that HE is not living well. He not you, needs to care, that he is not living well. And he needs to act on this caring.
Messages from your brain need to be that you are not living well, by focusing on him as a source of your own well-being. You can shift that. This is your only potential for influence and control. That you live for you, based upon your own well-being.
