What should I do?

[nlg319]

I have made up my mind, after 4 years of complaining of being unhappy, to leave my husband.(2nd marriage) After the first year of marriage, I went to him to share my unhappiness. I told him everything. I felt that he didn't pay attention to me, his nasty tone with me and the kids, his drinking, the lack of sexual connection, etc. So...here we are 4 yrs later and I'm so done. I have said the same things over and over and he just doesn't get it. I get no support from him on anything. He is not easy to talk to. When I approach him about something, good or bad, he sighs and gets this disgusted look on his face as if to say,
"what is she going to say now?".

My question is...Do you think it is ok to let him know I am leaving during a marriage therapy session? Is it too much of an easy way out? I wanted the therapist there to mediate. I feel he has neglected me for so long, that he doesn't deserve anything more. Am I too cold???

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #003300"> if it were me that's exactly how i would break the news....in front of the therapist.

good luck.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Agreed.

Very best of luck to you. We are all here for ya.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I don't know, since you've been going to therapy together, is this going to be a suprise? I would venture a guess not.

Just projecting my own feelings on the subject. If I were him, I would be embarrassed and offended to find out my spouse wanted out in front of someone else rather in private. I know it's a marriage councelor, but it's still a third party (and I would think a guy would think that even moreso). That's just me. I would rather have it done at a resturant, where noone could cause a scene, or sitting outside on the deck away from the earshot and attention of the children.

State my feelings and plans calmly, but have a course of action to walk away if things get out of hand. But again, that's just me.

Sharon

 

[Steely]

I think doing it with the counselor present is perfect! Just go in separate cars, so that if you need to leave you can. Potentially he could stay and process this with the counselor if need be.

I am so thinking of you! I went down this road just a couple of years ago myself! It is not fun, but you know when it is the right thing. Had I not made the final step in dissolving the union, we would still be together making each other miserable, and my son and I have enough problems without that!

We will be thinking of you!

 

[Suz]

I can't tell from your post how long you've been going and what you and husband have been trying to accomplish by going to this therapist. Were you trying to save your marriage? Get help with the stresses and strains caused by difficult children? What has your husband been thinking was happening?

If this will be a surprise to your husband, I think I would call the therapist ahead of time and ask for guidance on how to do it in the gentlest (and least embarrassing) fashion. The therapist knows him and should be able to give you some good advice.

I don't think having the therapist there is necessarily bad but remember that your husband will still be coming home with you afterwards so I don't see any gain at all in humiliating him or angering him unnecessarily.

Suz

 

[hearts and roses]

I think breaking the news in the presence of your marriage therapist is the way to go.

It will provide the perfect opportunity for you to express yourself without interruption and for your H to actually HEAR what you have to say.

If, however, your plan is to break the news in the hopes of "finally getting his attention", likewise, it could work in your favor or it could be perceived as a cheap trick by H and he may not take you seriously later on.

Just be sure that you're actually making a true statement and not just looking to shake things up. Bluffing a separation and subsequent divorce is not something to toy with - be sure that when you make this statement, it is truly what you want the outcome to be.

Hugs and best of luck. I've been there.