What should I do???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nlg319, Oct 7, 2007.

  1. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    I need some help with this one...

    difficult child#2 slept over M's house on Thursday night.(No school on Friday). I picked difficult child#2 up late Friday afternoon. On the way home, difficult child#2 is telling me that this girl from school is "filthy rich". I know that this girl(S) lives in the same neighborhood as M. So we get home and as I'm getting dinner ready, difficult child#2 is talking to me about how S thought his birthday was Oct.4 and she gave him some money. (his birthday is in January) I let him go on because I thought it was some kind of a joke. I then see him take a wad of money out of his wallet and start to count it. He had a $100.00 bill! And 3 20's and some singles. I asked him where on earth he got this amount of money. The girl gave it to him was his response. I took it from him and told him that he needed to give it back to her. He then got really upset with me. He couldn't see that this was WRONG! He kept repeating,"But she GAVE it to me. I didn't ask her for it". I called the girl who went on to tell me that M, not difficult child#2 always asks her for money and if she doesn't give it to him, then he gets mad. I tell her this is so wrong and that I need to talk to her parents. She tells me her mom is at work. She doesn't want her mom to know about it and she wants me to meet her at the park to give back the money. I tell her I am NOT going to do that. I don't know if she stole the moeny from her mom or her grandmother. I also called M's mom because difficult child#2 told me that M had $210.00 in his wallet that the girl gave him. I left a message on the machine. We were out all day yesterday but I didn't hear back. I called the girl this morning to speak with her mom. She said she wasn't home. I told the girl that I did not feel comfortable exchanging this amount of money with her. I also called M's house and left 2 messages. I haven't hear back.

    What should I do? There have been other incidents with M and difficult child#2 and I didn't allow difficult child#2 to hang around M for a while this summer. I gave them another chance and here he are!

    What would you guys do????
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, this brings back memories.
    One day my two kids came home from swimming at our local pool. My son wore a big grin and was waving money in the air, saying that T. and T. were giving out big bucks. My daughter coughed up some money too, and said the same thing. Both were pretty young.
    I took the money and called the cops. I didn't feel comfortable with it. Apparently, these two brothers had told my kids they had "found it" and were handing it out to all the kids.
    It turned out that these two boys had stolen $1000 from their babysitter.
    The girl you're talking about is...how old? I'd go to her house and demand to see her parents and hand the money to THEM, not her. I'll bet she's taking it to try to buy friends--sad, I know, but it happens.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'd keep on the track you are going- talk to the parents, give them the money back, make sure M's parents are aware too. in my humble opinion
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter was one of those who would buy friends. She'd get $$ for her birthday and use it to get kids to play with her at recess. It was so sad.

    She's going to screen the calls as much as possible so you can't talk to her mom. You may either have to go to the house and catch the parents at home or send a letter (and even a letter is iffy if the girl checks the mail).

    No matter what, you're right to not give it to the girl. Hope you get some answers.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I wouldn't be ringing M's place and I certainly wouldn't say anything about this in a message - I'd be dropping in personally. And to S, too - a personal visit.

    A sad thought - while it IS possible S is lying to you when she says her mother isn't home, it's quite likely her parents DO leave her on her own, because how else do you make that amount of money? Or keep it? And with parents setting the example for you, that money is the be all and end all, why wouldn't a girl use money (a plentiful commodity, used to buy things) to buy friends, or at least buy them off if she wants them to be kind to her and not mean.

    S may have good and loving parents and she may have simply misunderstood without them realising it (if they are busy, especially).

    M may have been leaning on her, as your son suggested, or she may have been freer with the money. And it COULD be her money, although I suspect her parents wouldn't be happy with her using it in this way. Or she might have taken it from their 'stash'.

    We went through a time where difficult child 1 was stealing large amounts from my wallet; he was really clumsy, he took far too much and it was quickly obvious that money was being taken AND he was turning up with expensive toys which he SAID had been given to him by a certain friend. That's when he discovered that he should never try to lie to me - he's really, really bad at trying to maintain a lie.

    difficult child 1 is a good kid (good guy, now). He was then - but he was very misguided. We sorted it out. But we did it face to face.
    When we had problems with other kids he was mixing with we again sorted it out face to face. difficult child 1 was mixing with a group of kids who have since gone to the bad. They were stealing stuff from him (stuff he had bought with my money, secretly) so I went round personally and asked for the stuff back, and said I was taking it out of difficult child 1's hide until we GOT it back, and had notified the police (which I had not). This resulted in difficult child 1 being ostracised by the kids who didn't want a nosy, persistent mother watching their every move. IE decent kids had no problem with this, only the ones already doing the wrong thing. It kept difficult child 1 safe from the bad kids. And now he's older, he can make better judgements (including character judgements) himself, which he could not do before.

    Dive in. Talk to people personally. You're already on the right track. And if this means your kid gets ostracised by the kids who aren't doing things exactly right, then GOOD! If they're decent kids just briefly misled, they won't take it out on him.

    It's times like this that really sort out the good kids, from the ones who want to take every advantage they can in the world.

  6. envisablepuppet

    envisablepuppet New Member

  7. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    Thank you for the replies. I talked to my husband and decided that since I have left 4 messages for M's mother to call me back and she hasn't, I am leaving that alone. I talked to S again. She said that M is going to return the money. I am not sure if I believe her. My plan right now is to call S tomorrow morning to tell her that if she doesn't let me talk to her mom, my husband and I will drive over to her house to wait for her mom or grandmother to come home. S says that she got the money from her grandmother to buy her mom a birthday present. I am not sure what to believe! Meanwhile, difficult child#2 hasn't said a word about it. I took his cell phone last night after all this happened and he hasn't even asked for it back! He must know the seriousness of this now. The other option I thought of was to call the guidance counselor at school. But I really don't want to go that way...
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I would not call the guidance counselor. I'd keep it between you and the other mom or grandmother.
    Also, since I don't know all the background with-this girl, I would try not to scare her too much ... you don't want her not trusting any adult at all. Kids do dumb things. They have no idea of the value of money (they just know what they think is a lot, and a lot of fun!)
    I don't know if I'd even tell her that if she won't let you talk to them, that I'd drive over. It sounds like a threat. Maybe you want it to sound like a threat, but I think driving over with-o warning is a better bet.

    My only experience with-this was when my son was in 2nd gr and a 5th grader coerced him into giving him $20 for a candy bar. Up to that point, I had noticed ones, fives, and tens occasionally missing but didn't worry too much--you know how it is when you get busy--and apparently difficult child had been taking $ from my purse and giving it to this kid, in exchange for candy. I can only hope it was once or twice and not weeks! I told the teacher, and said I couldn't recall the name of the kid, but she knew immediately who it was and she put it to a stop. (Funny, how teachers know these things! :smile: )

    Good luck. I'm sure you'll get it cleared up.
  9. branbran

    branbran New Member

    I think your best bet is tracking down the mom and giving her the money back. If I were you I wouldn't get the school involved in anyway, they can sometimes be judgemental. Try to keep it between you and the other parents/grandparents. It could have been worse - at least she really did GIVE it to him.

    Good luck. :smile:
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would stop talking to S about it first. Continue to call the house, if S answers, just leave a message for her mother to call - don't engage with her.

    As for M, I would continue to call there as well. All three kids were obviously together the night of the sleepover. I sure as heck would want to know what was going on in my house! I wouldn't engage with the kids as all.

    If you have to, go over S's house this evening. You can tell her mother that you have left 6 messages with her daughter to call you and you just figured you would come by because you wanted to return the money personally.

    I wouldn't get anyone else involved in this. This is a matter to be handled by the three families.

  11. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member


    I left 4 messages for M's mom....She never called me back. This morning I went to S's house. The address that difficult child#2 told me was incorrect. The house number was 6, and there were only 4 houses on the street. I stopped at one and the woman who lived there had never heard of S or the last name. So...I felt that I had no choice but to call the school. I spoke to the Dean, who told me she would notify S's mom and get back to me. Dean called me back and said that she spoke with the Principal, who said that he had called the police and I was advised to call them to give a statement and to hand the money over to the police who would then conduct an investigation. I spoke with a Sgt. and we made arrangements for me to bring difficult child#2 and the money to them after school. The school is also going to call the parents of M and S to let them know that they will be hearing from the police. I really didn't want it to get to this point but because S would not let me talk to her mom or grandmother, I felt like I had no choice. As far as M is involved and talking to his mom, I'm done with that. difficult child#2 is NOT permitted to hang out with him. I can't control anything that happens at school, but I will not allow them to be together outside of school.

    The things that concerns me the most is that S said she gave difficult child#2 $100.00. But the total amount difficult child#2 had in his wallet was $178.00. When I asked difficult child#2 where he got the rest, he got flustered and said he had to think for a minute. My husband and I are looking at each other while difficult child#2 "thinks" and we are baffled that he can't come up with an answer. He says that actually M gave him $20, S gave him another $40, and he doesn't know where he got the rest. So, I'm thinking that they must have stole the money. Also when I spoke to the police, the Sgt. was saying that for all we know there could be drugs involved and that he has to let me know so I am not alarmed if it were even part of a child pornography thing. I was numb. I truly don't believe that difficult child#2 would be involved in anything like that, but of course, who knows!

    I'll post later after I take difficult child#2 to the police station.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear. So sorry. But when you went to the house and it was the wrong house # and the neighbor had never heard of them... that would send me over the edge. Sure, kids make mistakes, but this is one on top of another.
    Strength and hugs.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Good heavens!

    This does seem to be getting more and more confusing on a deeper level. That amount of money and the fake address along with the girl refusing to allow you to talk to her mom plus M and the non-returning of messages. Hmmm...something definitely stinks.

    I sure hope it is the most innocent of the situations where they simply stole the money from someones parents instead of drugs or ~yikes~ child pornography! Maybe they even found a wallet on the street and are afraid to tell.

    I will be thinking of you. Im sure you are really upset right now.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You tried. You really did. You gave these kids plenty of time to 'fess up properly and sort this out but because they persistently lied to you and misled you, the police are now involved. This is THEIR choice, by their actions. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

    It's probably money stolen from S's family somewhere, perhaps being extorted by M or S using it to buy popularity. I don't think drugs are involved because once kids get to the drug-selling stage, they are much more astute than this trio appear to be.

    Here's hoping that you can get to the bottom of this, fast, with the police helping out. And hopefully this will throw a scare into the kids.

    Be assured, you have done the right thing.

  15. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    Thanks for the replies. I do feel that I did the right thing, actually I did the only thing I know how to do...Teach my son honesty. I took difficult child#2 to the police station right as he got off the bus. He was not happy but managed to smirk. I told him that he better not laugh or smirk about this. It was NOT FUNNY!
    He said he was laughing at what he thought M's response to all this would be...I didn't even ask. We both spoke to the officer and explained what we knew. Listen to this one...The officer asked difficult child#2 if he had witnessed M ask S for money in the past. He said yes, about 10-15 times!!!!!! And the officer asked difficult child#2 if he knew whether M's mother knew about S giving M money. difficult child#2 said YES! I asked difficult child#2 how he knew M's mom knew about it. difficult child#2 said he was at the house when M told his mom that S gave him an early birthday present and it was $200.00. He said M's mom's response was, "M, now don't go spending that money on stupid stuff". Can you believe this woman!!!! Right there I said to difficult child#2, THIS is exactly why you are no longer allowed to go to that house or hang out with Mitchell. I am flabberghasted at how a parent could send a message to a child like that. Basically the officer is going to make a visit to both homes, speak with the children and their parents. I was just relieved to get rid of the money, I gave it to the officer. He will call me when he finds out more information....It's been a long weekend as my kids had Friday AND Monday off. I'm heading to bed! Goodmight Ladies!
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Good Lord! What a mess. Glad the matter is now in police hands and you don't have to worry about the money anymore.

    I'm sure you're relieved.

  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    OH my! What kind of moron is this woman?

    I have to say that my first thoughts were that it was drug money. 12 is an age the dealers here try to pay the kids to carry drugs around for them. Parents in our town are cautioned about this by a number of groups, incl the police and school.

    Child porn is the other thing I thought of. Soemthing in this is so wrong.

    But what you did is SO RIGHT!!