What to do (or not do) next

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Honestly? You can't do anything.

I'm concerned about you right now more than your son. I know how heartbreaking it is to expect so much just to be devastated if it doesn't happen. So be cautious with your heart. I don't want it to break, like mine did.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
RN, I agree with all the great advice you have gotten on this thread. I am coming late to the party--and have not much to add.

I too would try to keep out of it. You can say you are pleased about the job and leave it at that. I do not think we as parents are equipped to be involved in or evaluate our children's response to drug treatment. I would stay out of it.

I get the sense he is manipulating and triangulating. He is holding onto his power, which got him into this mess to begin with. I believe he is making the therapist responsible. I disagree that it is a matter of clicking with the therapist. She is looking for a response, a change in him that is not forthcoming. It is not about her. It is about him.

If it were me, I would not endorse changes. Because any changing things empowers your son to believe it is the program which holds the responsibility and not him. Your feeling about the original place was good at the beginning. I would go with them and their referrals. Unless something substantial takes away from that confidence.

It sounds like your son thinks he knows best, and can guide his own recovery. Well what can you do about it? You do not have any control over what he thinks or does, really, at this stage of the game. It sounds like he is making enough money to subsidize his choices.

In sum, I would stay positive, praise him about his work choices and leave it up to him. I would not endorse changing programs or therapists. I would encourage him to keep at it.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks ladies.

I agree that he is trying to test the waters and manipulate. He's so good at it. I don't want to be involved anymore at all. Initially I thought maybe she had some questions for me etc. so may be good to be on ONE call but it has not gone as planned.

He isn't making much money. Only $5 per hour and tips so it's nothing much at all. He is waiting to be a server so he can actually make more.

I am letting him do this. If he gets released he can go to another sober living. They are everywhere. He knows I want him to stay where he is but it's up to him.

I am just happy he's sober and thinking clearer and seems to be heading in the right direction but not as quickly as I'd like or the way I'd prefer so I have to back away.
 

UpandDown

Active Member
Rn, sounds so tough. It is so difficult to not get sucked in. I know when I am really really angry with my son, I have such strong resolve to stay out of the enabling. But as soon as I calm down, I begin to backslide. I am rooting for your son and his continued success.
 

Nature

Active Member
I too am rooting for your son to do well and it sounds as he has made good strides to a more positive lifestyle. I also agree that I see a familiarity when it was mentioned we get our hopes up so high only to have our hearts break. Not that I am saying don't not allow yourself to feel joy at your son's success but do it with a guarded heart. I pray your son completes the program and goes on to live a happy sober free life. Take Care.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thank you U&D and Nature. I am rooting for him too. I wish he could just mature overnight. I feel that is such a major component here.

My husband was a wild child and I think he got too many of his genes. My husband is wonderful now and overly responsibly so maybe there is hope!

I'm just standing back as far as I can and letting him work his way through all of this. He knows what he wants out of life but is having a helluva time getting there.
 

ColleenB

Active Member
RN,

You and your son have made so much progress! I think sometimes we want it all better, right now. I don't think it works that way... It's small steps with some stumbles along the way...

Be proud of the progress he has made. I am wishing you peace and clarity in this time. You have come so far!
 
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