What was I thinking?????

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    First let me say that if you guys get tired of hearing about this saga in my life, please let me know. I don't want to be one of those that you see my post and say, oh my god not again!!!

    H and I have been cordial to each other most of the week. He called me after counseling on Tuesday and said he picked up a coffee table and stuff for his apartment and he knew I was on my way to where he just came from and said he hoped I didn't get stuck in the traffic he was in. We had a friendly conversation.

    Yesterday I get home from work and he's unloading wood in the driveway and asks me what I would think about meeting him for something to eat. I thought about it for a minute and thought, what could it hurt. So I met him at this little diner type restaraunt. Figured it was a safe environment.

    He asked me if I was sleeping better and how my counseling was the other day and I said, good, it always is. I think asked him if he had gotten a ticket to the pigroast at the club we belong too and he said, no why do you want to go together?? Right then I realized this wasn't really a friendly dinner, he was hoping it to be more of a date. I guess I should have known. I don't really know what I was expecting from it. I told him no, that I already had a ticket, but just wanted him to know if he was going to be there I was o.k. with it as long as he wasn't bringing someone else with him. He said he would never do that and asked why nobody called to ask him if he wanted a ticket??? I said it was my responsibility to ask him that, we are seperated. Then he made a comment about how he's going to put his wedding ring back on, that he actually took off months ago because of some callus he said he had on his finger (yeah right) and he was going to leave it on until we decide what we are going to do. I told him that was his personal option, but that I had actually taken mine off the day he moved out. He got very quiet and teary eyed. By then I knew this was really not a good idea. We finished eating, talked about a few other things. He said he hoped no matter what, that in the end we could always be good friends and said here's to the start of our friendship.

    I stopped at this apartment to pick the dog up because it's two doors down from where we ate and I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to be doing what we just did. I told him that the affair happened for a reason, not that it was justified in any way, but that we both have things to learn and face about ourselves that have added to why this happened and that it wasn't going to be a quick or easy process for either one of us. He admitted that he knows he has a lot of issues to work on and he will continue to go to counseling.

    Then I get a call this morning from my sister in law. This is his oldest brothers wife and one of my closest friends. I guess he called her last night and told her he needed to get something off his mind and wanted to know why he is being excluded from everything. He was saying stuff like blood being thicker then water and why is nobody calling him to do anything???? My sister in law is really upset about this, because first of all she never called him to do anything before, it was always me she called to do things as a couple and this is something he should be calling his brothers and asking, not their wives.

    He hasn't called them or made any effort to do anything with anyone, but now once again, it is someone elses responsibility to call him, make it a point to spend time with him, and do what they need to to make him happy!!!! I am fuming that he did this to her. He's the one who found a new group of "friends" and stopped coming around. He's the one who caused this and once again is looking for someone else to fix it.

    Needless to say, I am not going to the pigroast this Saturday. I want nothing to do with it. I am going with a close friend of mine to pick up another friend of ours from the airport in New York and we are going shopping in New York for the day.

    I am looking forward to it. :smile:
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Karen, I'm really impressed with your ability to "move on". I wish you all the best through these trying days. I don't think you are speaking up too often. There was a time when my husband and I were on the brink of divorce and I was here everyday sharing my own saga. The board is wonderfully tolerant of ALL ups and downs in our lives.

    Hoping today is a good one for you!
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Karen,
    I too think it is great you are posting as you go through this. I can't imagine anyone is sick of hearing about it, we all care about you!

    I also think you handled the lunch so well--bravo!!! I am glad you can detach so well--you are not making your husband's problems into your own or something you should help him with. If he feels excluded it is his responsibility to do something about it, not yours or your sister-in-law's.

    I think this is proof once again that women are the stronger sex--men are so dependent on us!

  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: jbrain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hi Karen,
    I am glad you can detach so well--
    Jane </div></div>

    Actually, I went home and called my boyfriend Jill and was so upset I couldn't even speak. She just kept telling me to relax and we talked for a few minutes. About an hour later she showed up at my front door, in her pajamas, with my favorite icecream. Now that is a true friend.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You're not kidding, that's a true friend! How blessed you are to have her.

    I think, at least for now, perhaps you should excuse yourself from gatherings with HIS family. For awhile anyways.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    He said he knows that he has a lot of issues he needs to work on...I wonder if he really does. He certainly seems stuck. Even while reaping what his pattern of behavior has sown, he continues with it...lack of accountability, expecting others to make him happy, etc. Slow learner, eh?

    You, on the other hand, are doing marvelous. Instead of the Marvelous Marvin whatever his name is (the boxer), we have the Marvelous KFld. :lipstick:

    No matter how things turn out with your marriage, you are going to be just fine.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Don't stop posting...I for one am learning how to grow a spine via YOU!

    I don't think it was a bad idea for the quick dinner. Keep in mind while you're going to therapy to grow, he is going to try and keep things the same. It's natural that he's going to grasp at straws to help bail out a sinking ship. Remember, you're waaaay farther ahead of him on the whole seperation - he was shocked as hell that you got that far when you told him.

    Think of the fact that he's like three steps behind you in the maturity factor on this one. You've been toiling through all of the 5 steps of grieving (grieving your relationship). He's on the negotiating one.

    I myself, would rather horse around friends than go to a pig roast so I don't think you're missing much. But I caution you not to skip everything that he's going to. Right now in the seperation, territories are being staked (rather dramatic statement I know, but I can't think of a better way to put it!) and you don't want to be shut out because you didn't show up!

    He's not being a jerk, he's desperately clinging to the familiar. Bottom line: he's scared!

    Gotta get the little miss off the bus!

  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    you will have your ups and downs. it takes a long time to get thru this stuff. I was married 32 yrs and it was me who chose to get out, still I think I was scared and crying for a year. I went back and forth and second guessed myself to the nth degree.

    it will all work out one way or another. takes time.

    good friend! nice to have that!
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    That IS a good friend!

    Have fun in NYC - SHOPPING - is the best therapy!
    :smile: We need a girl with a shopping bag! Get some new shoes!

    Don't you dare think we do not care enough about you to support you through this!
  10. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Karen, it sounds to me that he had a stab of insecurity about feeling left out. He probably doesnt realize that in the past all plans were made through you, they just happened for all he was concerned.
    I actually think that his brothers could reach out to him and let him know they are there for him and not taking sides, to me that would only be fair. regardless of what he did they are his siblings. Yes, the phone goes both ways but remember he could be embarrassed because he knows that they know what he did etc.. its a guy thing they dont "have it" when it comes to stuff like that.
    I think he called the sister in law because she is a women and guys dont ask guys about stuff like that so he probably didnt know how to ask them.

    I dont want to make excuses for him but I think he is starting to see what he is losing and is grasping at some normalcy in his life. I also dont think the quick dinner was a bad idea.

    you have a long way to go but your going and thats what's important, as long as that is kept upfront you can be friends.

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    There is a commercial that uses a term like "my bff Jill" with
    a girl text messaging. I ALWAYS think of you bff Jill and smile
    because.........she deserves to be your best friend forever!
    Hugs. DDD
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">There is a commercial that uses a term like "my bff Jill" with
    a girl text messaging. I ALWAYS think of you bff Jill and smile
    because.........she deserves to be your best friend forever!
    Hugs. DDD </div></div>

    I know that commercial. That is where I got it from. That commercial makes me laugh :smile:
  13. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I just love Ethel / my bff Jill too! :smile:

    And I always do think of you when I see that commercial.

    So just think how many times you and your best friend are in our thoughts during the course of a day!

    And each time, each of us wishes you well.

    So, that is a very good thing.

    I love it that Ethel showed up in pajamas with ice cream!

    I wish I had an Ethel....

    Poor husband.

    No Ethel, for him.

    You were husband's Ethel.

  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hey, don't stop posting about this. We look for your posts to check and see how you are doing! I check for you every day, even if I don't post a response (typing is a ral challenge to me now).

    I thinkg your husband is scared, starting to realize how he screwed everything up, and wants the sameold sameold security.

    Let your sister in law deal with this, it is in her court. She has to decide to tell him to call his bros, or whatever she and her husband are OK with.


    Buy something fun, feminine, and wonderful just for yourself. Then have a decadent lunch WITH dessert, maybe even dessert FIRST!


  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well I for one looked at the monitor saw your name and thought OH GOD not again.....but for a different reason.

    I thought you were actually entertaining the idea of taking him back. HOWEVER it seems that you have found somewhat of a staying away from him power. I would make it a permanent stay away. No more dinners, no more picking the dog up (that's always a good excuse and what does the dog think of going back and forth?), then he sits there and gets teary eyed (OH DEAR....he's really a great actor isn't he? Didn't he have someone better to do during the time he was at the table with you .....er I mean something.)

    I'm not sorry I come off blunt about this. I think in what is it like 27 years of marriage you've done this and that and he's put you in a place mentally that would for most be a pit to get out of.
    Maybe you don't like what I have to say or you think, gosh you don't know my husband. Your right, I don't know him. I do know manipulative behaviors, behaviors to get back in your good graces, behaviors that make you feel you have a duty to own the problem, behaviors that make you want to apologize to him when you've done nothing wrong.

    Separation means....APART. Tell him to get over himself. ANd if there are future banquets, sing alongs, Karaoke, poker nights and it could bring him around? Tell your friends you're out.

    I don't think at this point he's figured anything out. He hasn't figured out that he hurt you, that HE was wrong, that he made you crazy when you were trying to get through a funeral and a visit from your Father, I don't think he's figured out that he appreciates you, needs you, wants you.

    I think....what he's figured out, is that dating after 27 years of marriage is the pits, trying to fit in in the fast lane when he's been in the recliner by 9:00 every night works for him. I think that he's figured out that if YOU aren't there to do (Whatever) he HAS TO DO IT HIMSELF. Hence I think what he is trying to figure out are the right words to patch the crossword puzzle of your life so he can be comfortable again, and then if you let him back in.....BLAMO he's got you by the short hairs.

    I'm not a bitter x wife, and believe me if I ever finish the book about my marriage it will surely be a best seller in science fiction because NO ONE would ever believe a woman would take back a man who was so foul for the sake of marriage so many times....(usually each time after he did someone, and then came crawling home that he'd seen the light, I was wonderful, and he needed me) CRAP.....I wasted my time doing that in my late 20's and 30's and I'd have to ask you Karen to ask yourself this simple thing.

    How old am I? Double that number....
    Do you think you will live to that number OR...
    Is your life 1/2 over or MORE than 1/2 over
    AFter you answer that ask yourself
    WHAT do I want to DO with what life I have left?
    =take care of someone who didn't take care of me and maniplulated every situation EVEN when we were separated so he could get back to his comfort level?

    nope :rolleyes:

    I'm pulling for you kid....I really am. I chose to have what years I had left (as an aging person knowing the young, healthy, viable, slim goodlooking years have passed) in peace, and being loved by someone who loved me for who I am despite my flaws.

    Give him a deck of cards and tell him to deal with it. HE called this game - not you.

    Not me.