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What works for you? Help with lying/manipulative teen needed.
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<blockquote data-quote="Otto von Bismark" data-source="post: 700473" data-attributes="member: 12905"><p>Hmmm....a few things... first I see a typo in my post and I can't find an edit button. I put in "Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)" abbreviation, and I meant it as antisocial personality disorder, not auditory processing disorder ( though my son does have that, too, actually). I think a program automatically changed it or something. I hope it comes out correctly. </p><p></p><p>Second, sorry for misunderstanding the depth and breadth of the baseball thing. I know you know what you are doing.</p><p></p><p>When you say logic doesn't work well, I wonder if it would help if things were in writing. One of our other kids was pretty tough...one of the negotiators. She is extremely bright. Her IQ was measured once at 146. Very into the battle, especially when she was young teen. Very into justice. Now she is going to be a lawyer, so she can sic herself on the world in the name of injustice and she won't send that energy our way anymore, lol. Those guys on death row are going to get some good representation.</p><p></p><p>When she was 11-15, exchanges sounded like the example you gave. She got so emotional, and she was an angry kid, so her emotions clouded her ability to think through things. So I put things in writing. She liked contracts (surprise!). Then if something went wrong, and she tried to blame me for it, I could pull out the contract and say, "See...you agreed to do this, and you agreed to not be mad at me for any of the results of your action." IT REALLY HELPED, because she could read what she agreed to and it stopped her focus from lashing out and trying to hurt me. We had divorce issues, too, and this child got hit hard by it. My devoted hubby is my kids' stepdad.</p><p></p><p>What if you tried writing and proof? You need to stop the round and round. That is a death spiral and never works with kids who like to make you feel bad. You can say something like:</p><p></p><p>Me: Dad texted. He can't do your visit tonight. </p><p>Boy: So basically, you're not letting him have the visit.</p><p>Me: No. Not at all. I like when you have time with him. I want that for you. Here read our text exchange (assuming he won't try to grab phone or throw it or whatever).</p><p>Boy: But its fair to say that you're not letting him because he can't.</p><p>Me: No, that's not fair to say that. I'm going to say this one more time because it seems like you are not hearing me, and I'm going to write it down for you to read, because I won't fight with you anymore about it, and you don't get to try and hurt me. Your father told me he can't see you tonight. </p><p></p><p>That might be a crap example and what the hell do I know what will work for your family, lol. It's just something that worked for us with my hot-headed kid.</p><p></p><p>Show him the proof. Type out the exchange if needed. Give him a copy to read when he cools down. You have to shut down his attempts to hurt you because that's where his power lies right now. </p><p></p><p>It's so hard. You are a good parent, doing a nearly impossible job. It will help this child launch more successfully and not be an <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> to the world (a title we once jokingly gave my daughter and she loved it!) if he can listen through a time when he gets bad news and doesn't try to hurt someone. He will be able to keep jobs and roommates better if he gets that skill.</p><p>My daughter did get it. She is much better, but it took lots of laying down the rules, and I think her brain had to mature. She's now 22. </p><p></p><p>My mantra was: It's in writing. If you try to hurt me while we are talking, the conversation ends now and won't resume for at least 2 days (This was terrible for my hot-headed daughter because she got pleasure from the fight, and from lashing out).</p><p></p><p>Oy. Hang in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Otto von Bismark, post: 700473, member: 12905"] Hmmm....a few things... first I see a typo in my post and I can't find an edit button. I put in "Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)" abbreviation, and I meant it as antisocial personality disorder, not auditory processing disorder ( though my son does have that, too, actually). I think a program automatically changed it or something. I hope it comes out correctly. Second, sorry for misunderstanding the depth and breadth of the baseball thing. I know you know what you are doing. When you say logic doesn't work well, I wonder if it would help if things were in writing. One of our other kids was pretty tough...one of the negotiators. She is extremely bright. Her IQ was measured once at 146. Very into the battle, especially when she was young teen. Very into justice. Now she is going to be a lawyer, so she can sic herself on the world in the name of injustice and she won't send that energy our way anymore, lol. Those guys on death row are going to get some good representation. When she was 11-15, exchanges sounded like the example you gave. She got so emotional, and she was an angry kid, so her emotions clouded her ability to think through things. So I put things in writing. She liked contracts (surprise!). Then if something went wrong, and she tried to blame me for it, I could pull out the contract and say, "See...you agreed to do this, and you agreed to not be mad at me for any of the results of your action." IT REALLY HELPED, because she could read what she agreed to and it stopped her focus from lashing out and trying to hurt me. We had divorce issues, too, and this child got hit hard by it. My devoted hubby is my kids' stepdad. What if you tried writing and proof? You need to stop the round and round. That is a death spiral and never works with kids who like to make you feel bad. You can say something like: Me: Dad texted. He can't do your visit tonight. Boy: So basically, you're not letting him have the visit. Me: No. Not at all. I like when you have time with him. I want that for you. Here read our text exchange (assuming he won't try to grab phone or throw it or whatever). Boy: But its fair to say that you're not letting him because he can't. Me: No, that's not fair to say that. I'm going to say this one more time because it seems like you are not hearing me, and I'm going to write it down for you to read, because I won't fight with you anymore about it, and you don't get to try and hurt me. Your father told me he can't see you tonight. That might be a crap example and what the hell do I know what will work for your family, lol. It's just something that worked for us with my hot-headed kid. Show him the proof. Type out the exchange if needed. Give him a copy to read when he cools down. You have to shut down his attempts to hurt you because that's where his power lies right now. It's so hard. You are a good parent, doing a nearly impossible job. It will help this child launch more successfully and not be an :censored2: to the world (a title we once jokingly gave my daughter and she loved it!) if he can listen through a time when he gets bad news and doesn't try to hurt someone. He will be able to keep jobs and roommates better if he gets that skill. My daughter did get it. She is much better, but it took lots of laying down the rules, and I think her brain had to mature. She's now 22. My mantra was: It's in writing. If you try to hurt me while we are talking, the conversation ends now and won't resume for at least 2 days (This was terrible for my hot-headed daughter because she got pleasure from the fight, and from lashing out). Oy. Hang in. [/QUOTE]
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