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What would YOU do???
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 102474" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Before it gets to the "throw him out" stage - an idea.</p><p></p><p>Who prepares the meals in the family? And do you prepare a meal for anyone who is absent?</p><p></p><p>Well, he sounds to me like HE is absent. If he is playing "no speakies" then clearly he hasn't been able to confirm for you that he will be home for dinner. Because of course, he is clearly so busy at work that he has to leave for work really early, so he probably is needing to stay back late at work as well. And therefore, should let you know if he will be home in time. Failure to let the cook know, in our house, means you have to rustle up something for yourself if you turn up and weren't accounted for.</p><p></p><p>It's something you do when you have a house full of late teens/young adults, all beginning to go their own ways. They are often out, late home from work, staying overnight (in our case, because there's no public transport after 7 pm) and so there is a rule - let me know if you will be home for dinner, or make your own arrangements.</p><p></p><p>And take it a step further. Cook something that you and the kids like, that he won't eat. If he acts hurt or surprised, point out that since you hadn't heard from him, since he has been so absent from the family lately, you naturally expected he wouldn't be eating dinner with you all and so you took the opportunity to make something he wouldn't have to object to; getting your 'fix' of your favourite without him needing to be offended.</p><p></p><p>And if he is offended by this - point out that if he wants to eat dinner with the family, he has to BELONG to the family and take his share of family responsibilities. Life isn't meant to be convenient for us all; we have to adjust constantly to all the changes that get thrown at us. You do not exist to make his life path smooth; you are supposed to be there for each other and to support one another. Doesn't sound like that's been going on lately.</p><p></p><p>If nothing else, failing to make food allowances for him should make him sit up and smell the coffee. After all, it will be all that's available! Seriously though, it may be more effective than simply throwing him out. It makes it clear that HE has to make the choice to be involved because he is excluding himself. Even if he manages to rustle something up out of leftovers, your point will have been made - if you're not part of the responsibilities, then you're not part of the benefits (which includes laundry as well as cooking and cleaning).</p><p>Make your own mental list of what you do for him. And I mean FOR HIM, above and beyond what you do for the family. If he leaves, what will he have to begin doing again, for himself?</p><p></p><p>Also be aware - where is the family income coming from? You need to tally up what he does and include financial support. He may be thinking that he doesn't need to do anything more than bring home the bacon. If you throw him out, you don't get the bacon any more. </p><p></p><p>Weigh it all up, then if you still feel the balance is skewed way too far in your direction, then clearly you need to cut back on y our workload. Don't prepare so many serves; don't do so much laundry; don't do any ironing (there are ways to avoid ironing in your life); don't do anything purely to make his life easier. Because you're now far too busy doing his share of the parenting, to do as much as you have been doing, to make his life easier.</p><p></p><p>Get the drift?</p><p></p><p>Let us know how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 102474, member: 1991"] Before it gets to the "throw him out" stage - an idea. Who prepares the meals in the family? And do you prepare a meal for anyone who is absent? Well, he sounds to me like HE is absent. If he is playing "no speakies" then clearly he hasn't been able to confirm for you that he will be home for dinner. Because of course, he is clearly so busy at work that he has to leave for work really early, so he probably is needing to stay back late at work as well. And therefore, should let you know if he will be home in time. Failure to let the cook know, in our house, means you have to rustle up something for yourself if you turn up and weren't accounted for. It's something you do when you have a house full of late teens/young adults, all beginning to go their own ways. They are often out, late home from work, staying overnight (in our case, because there's no public transport after 7 pm) and so there is a rule - let me know if you will be home for dinner, or make your own arrangements. And take it a step further. Cook something that you and the kids like, that he won't eat. If he acts hurt or surprised, point out that since you hadn't heard from him, since he has been so absent from the family lately, you naturally expected he wouldn't be eating dinner with you all and so you took the opportunity to make something he wouldn't have to object to; getting your 'fix' of your favourite without him needing to be offended. And if he is offended by this - point out that if he wants to eat dinner with the family, he has to BELONG to the family and take his share of family responsibilities. Life isn't meant to be convenient for us all; we have to adjust constantly to all the changes that get thrown at us. You do not exist to make his life path smooth; you are supposed to be there for each other and to support one another. Doesn't sound like that's been going on lately. If nothing else, failing to make food allowances for him should make him sit up and smell the coffee. After all, it will be all that's available! Seriously though, it may be more effective than simply throwing him out. It makes it clear that HE has to make the choice to be involved because he is excluding himself. Even if he manages to rustle something up out of leftovers, your point will have been made - if you're not part of the responsibilities, then you're not part of the benefits (which includes laundry as well as cooking and cleaning). Make your own mental list of what you do for him. And I mean FOR HIM, above and beyond what you do for the family. If he leaves, what will he have to begin doing again, for himself? Also be aware - where is the family income coming from? You need to tally up what he does and include financial support. He may be thinking that he doesn't need to do anything more than bring home the bacon. If you throw him out, you don't get the bacon any more. Weigh it all up, then if you still feel the balance is skewed way too far in your direction, then clearly you need to cut back on y our workload. Don't prepare so many serves; don't do so much laundry; don't do any ironing (there are ways to avoid ironing in your life); don't do anything purely to make his life easier. Because you're now far too busy doing his share of the parenting, to do as much as you have been doing, to make his life easier. Get the drift? Let us know how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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