What would YOU do???

[ShakespeareMamaX]

So...I can't take it anymore. The foolishness has hit the fan.



husband is mad at me, again, for some unknown reason.



Won't talk to me... I mean, for God's sake, I had to text him from inside the house and even then he said "I'm not getting that" when his phone beeped.



I have taken nearly every responsibility (all the kids' appts, paying the bills, trying to prevent foreclosure on our house, etc...) away from him to make things easier and he can't even take our daughter to the darn pediatrition for a possible ear infection cos he "can't miss work".



After not talking to me tonight for some mystery thing I did, I left to go to my friend's house to cool off. Upon getting in the car, I get a text from him stating he's not bringing the kids to school/daycare tomorrow as he wants to go to work early. Mind you, I have (and he knows it) a physical therapy appointment at 8am tomorrow (same time difficult child gets on the bus). I have missed 5 appts so far, have only been to two, because I have to keep cancelling them to deal with difficult child.



I've had enough! I told him until he can act like a real husband and father, he needs to pack his stuff and leave.



He's currently sleeping (and snoring loudly) on the couch behind me, but if he tries to come back home after work, tomorrow, I'm outta here.



I can't take it anymore and whether it's purposeful or not (probably isn't) he's emotionally abusing me. I'm under enough stress right now and the last thing I need is to be treated like >you know what< for something I have no clue about.



And did I mention, he randomly gives me a gift (hat with-a skull on it) midst fight?



Insanity, I tell you.



Thanks for reading this, if you've gotten this far. I'm open to any advice you may have.

 

[Kjs]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ShakespeareMamaX</div><div class="ubbcode-body">husband is mad at me, again, for some unknown reason.
I have taken nearly every responsibility (all the kids' appts, paying the bills, trying to prevent foreclosure on our house, etc...) away from him to make things easier and he can't even take our daughter to the darn pediatrition for a possible ear infection cos he "can't miss work". </div></div>

OMG.. I cannot believe this. This is the EXACT same thing I am living. Right to the "T".
Even more...husband hasn't slept in the same room with me more than I bet 10 times in the past 13 years. I get the same treatment. If I ask him something he stares at me with this really stupid look on his face for minutes. difficult child is USUALLY not far off when these things happen. Last week I lost it. I told him I want a boyfriend because I haven't had a man in my life in almost 20 years and it is getting real old. (neither one of us could afford to live on our own)I also leave and go to a neighbors house, but I try not to spill my guts, just a get away. I sometimes just walk. Call a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time.
I did tell him to leave, or I am leaving many times. Now I just say I am finding a boyfriend, he can leave if he wants.
After tonight, I am seriously thinking of taking his picture with the digital camera when he puts this really stupid look on his face and stares at me.

If I COULD...I WOULD leave. I just don't care. Then on the way to work last week after a similiar event, there came a song on the radio, "if you could read my mind" by Gordon Lightfoot. Perfect lyrics.

I'll be watching this post. Hits way to close to home.

 

[1905]

I'm sorry for your trouble. It sounds like you are wasting your time trying to reason with a crazy person. Don't engage him, that will just upset you more. What a piece of dirt! How can you not like your own kids???? All they really need is one parent to love them- don't leave them there with him. Maybe you could just act like he's not there. He's acting like that already anyway, it will be the same, but no fighting. Tell him, "You need to take them to school." And leave it to him to figure it out-just go to your appointment.

Call someplace local about domestic abuse. Maybe they know of some resources for you to help you get out. Emotional abuse is still abuse.-Alyssa

 

[busywend]

What if you just tell him too bad, he can not go into work early? He has to take the kids.

 

[nvts]

Went through this last summer. When you get to the point of "that's it" something is going to make you blow.

There was a lot going on in his head and subsequently our marriage. What you have to decide is: would you honestly care if he stays or goes? At the time, I loved him but couldn't have cared less if he left. He had become a non-participating entity in the house. I did a lot of thinking and decided that more damage was being done to the "wee-ones" having him here. See, it's one thing to be ignored by a parent in a divorce situation. It hurts horribly, but there isn't that person walking through your house ignoring you every single day.

Long story short: we hit a brick wall. I was responsible for everything and he was going through a massive depression. The "arm-chair quarterbacking" regarding the house, kids, school, yard, cars, bills, laundry, pet care, pool care, etc. had me going through the roof.

We worked things out, but only after I was willing to sensibly saying "if you don't want to participate - go". I was as shocked as he was. But it opened the door for communication. It doesn't work out for everyone, but at least you can look in a mirror and know that you spoke your mind.

Beth

 

[timer lady]

If your husband won't share what is going on the problem cannot be addressed. Life with a difficult child is stressful; life with any chronic illness is stressful.

However, husband is part of the family. As part of this family unit, he is either a part of the problem or a part of the solution.

And saying that, my husband buried his head in the sand as long as he could before everything blew up in our faces. I'm not one for ultimatums however, I had to give one & I had to carry through.

The summer of 2006 while kt was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) & wm was safely tucked away at his group home, husband willingly went into rehab. He additionally started attending marriage counseling.

This wasn't easily achieved & I had to remember my reactions to husband's choices & behaviors. I knew that if I stepped over a line husband would not enter theray or rehab.

husband is over 1 year sober - he has stepped up to the plate & taken a great deal of our difficult children issues on. The fact is that my illness has forced the issue with him & he hasn't let me down, for which I'm thankful.

Many of us have been in your position. Sometimes things work out - other times they don't.

However, many times, in the midst of GFGdom, our marriages get lost. Our promise to our life partner gets buried under the burdens of caring for a child who's out of control & under the family spotlight.

In the past year I've learned that for survival I've had to do the following:

1. Take care of me.
2. Nurture my marriage - our children (difficult child or not) will have left home to start their own lives - I want my spouse at my side when that time comes.
3. Raise my children; with all the work, love & tears that come with being a parent.

Just my take on this.

Good luck - I hope things calm down for you today.

 

[KFld]

Well since I'm a current member of the man haters club :smile: I say get rid of him.
As I said in a recent post, I've been told I'm glowing now that I'm single.

Seriously though, if you think the marriage is worth saving, stop the text messaging and demand that the two of you communicate face to face or he needs to leave. Maybe that will give him the idea that you are serious and he'll want to get some help for the marriage. If it's not worth saving, then get out.

I am now looking back on many years that were not miserable, but unhappy enough that I'm realizing life is to short to spend the rest of it with someone who isn't your soul mate. Don't know if I'll ever find my soul mate, but I know my s2bx wasn't it.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I am NOT a member of the man haters club. But I say it is time to do something drastic.

You give him a choice. Basically, sh** or get off the pot. He's gonna be an active member of the family, or he is not. And if he is not, he can go not be active somewhere else. There is no reason in th WORLD that you should have to resort to texting the guy in the same house. If it has gotten that far, sounds to me like he might even be looking to get kicked out. Some guys are brilliant at this. This way they can tell everyone how rotton their wife is for kicking them out. Too bad. Throw the bum out anyways.

He is indeed emotionally abusing you. You do not have to take it. If you keep taking it, your kids will grow up thinking that it is OK.

 

[hearts and roses]

Ditto what BBK said. Do you want your children to think that this is a 'normal' marriage/relationship? Do you want them to be raised to believe that it is perfectly normal for the responsibilities within a marriage/family to be so lopsided?

His behavior is causing you to feel bad about your life, your position, your future, your very existence.

He is an absent parent.

You're better off living along and being lonely than living with another person and feeling lonely. Because then you are free to fill your life with goodness and peace and happiness. I speak from experience.

You're already juggling everything on your own - he's just dead weight. Get rid of him. And if you're going to give ultimatums, be prepared to live with them. Each time you go back on your word, he takes another bite out of you.

You are a strong, capable person - someone to be treasured and loved - don't allow this man to steal your spirit and strength.

We never think we can do it 'on our own', but most of the time we already are!

Sending many many gentle hugs.

 

[muttmeister]

You are doing everything that needs to be done, he is not there for you emotionally, he is making you unhappy, he is not a good example for the kids....exactly what are you keeping him around for?

I do not hate men but, as a divorced mom, I know that problems in a marriage cannot be fixed by ONE person. If he will not acknowledge the problems and then work on them, you are wasting your time and effort wondering how to fix it. It will only get worse.

If he doesn't pack his stuff up before he goes to work, I would pack it up for him while he is gone and leave it on the lawn. Then change the locks.

Good luck.

 

[Star*]

Do me a favor -

Make me a list of "WHY you stay" in a relationship like that.

Out of that list I bet there are a bunch of us that can/will tell you what is a valid reason and what is a myth.

Then ask him WHY HE stays - if his list starts out with "Because I love you." Tell him LOVE is giving someone the ability to hurt you but choosing not to do so." By not helping with the children, the house, the canceled therapy appointments - he's not being much of a friend. He's not behaving like a husband should, and he's certainly not being a good example to your children.

True - we haven't heard his side of this, only yours. However - try looking at YOUR life for a minute. How old are you? How long do you 'think' you'll live to. Is your life 1/2 over 1/4th over? How many more of your years are YOU WILLING to invest in a relationship that YOU FEEL isn't going anywhere or benefiting you? And then ask yourself if he was out of the picture would it be better for you? After that be serious with yourself and honest and know that while there are a lot of relationship problems present in marriages - picking the same type of men over and over has to be - your doing. Don't you want to know why? Do you want to fix that? If you said yes - then find a good counselor and take the first step to improving yourself.

You can't make him do anything. You can't force him to get counseling, you can't force him to take an interest in his children or you - but you CAN take an interest in yourself by investing the time it takes to complain about how badly you're treated by him and turn it into time that you are working with a therapist to improve yourself for the better. If you improve and empower yourself - you are ONLY insuring you won't choose to hang around with the same types of people, you will have self appreciation and KNOW that you deserve to be treated like an angel, and your children will be less inclined to treat YOU PERSONALLY like a door mat. But you have to get help to learn how to do that. IT's not something you can do on your own.

**Shakespear - don't just WISH it will happen MAKE it happen. You're a good woman - you deserve better than you are getting and you at least have the advantage to KNOW you deserve better. NOW take the next step and do something to help yourself. You can't worry about husband at this point - if he goes along to therapy - great. If he doesn't at least you're on your way to being the best YOU - that you can possibly be. Who wouldn't want a Mom like that? Go on - go get yourself some respect - tell yourself it's a present from Santa to you -

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT -

Hugs
Star

And as far as Mr. Text messaging, giving you a skull cap in the middle of insanity for what you described as your day to day life the only thing that surprises me about that is that he didn't ask for sex after he handed it to you.

 

[Marguerite]

Before it gets to the "throw him out" stage - an idea.

Who prepares the meals in the family? And do you prepare a meal for anyone who is absent?

Well, he sounds to me like HE is absent. If he is playing "no speakies" then clearly he hasn't been able to confirm for you that he will be home for dinner. Because of course, he is clearly so busy at work that he has to leave for work really early, so he probably is needing to stay back late at work as well. And therefore, should let you know if he will be home in time. Failure to let the cook know, in our house, means you have to rustle up something for yourself if you turn up and weren't accounted for.

It's something you do when you have a house full of late teens/young adults, all beginning to go their own ways. They are often out, late home from work, staying overnight (in our case, because there's no public transport after 7 pm) and so there is a rule - let me know if you will be home for dinner, or make your own arrangements.

And take it a step further. Cook something that you and the kids like, that he won't eat. If he acts hurt or surprised, point out that since you hadn't heard from him, since he has been so absent from the family lately, you naturally expected he wouldn't be eating dinner with you all and so you took the opportunity to make something he wouldn't have to object to; getting your 'fix' of your favourite without him needing to be offended.

And if he is offended by this - point out that if he wants to eat dinner with the family, he has to BELONG to the family and take his share of family responsibilities. Life isn't meant to be convenient for us all; we have to adjust constantly to all the changes that get thrown at us. You do not exist to make his life path smooth; you are supposed to be there for each other and to support one another. Doesn't sound like that's been going on lately.

If nothing else, failing to make food allowances for him should make him sit up and smell the coffee. After all, it will be all that's available! Seriously though, it may be more effective than simply throwing him out. It makes it clear that HE has to make the choice to be involved because he is excluding himself. Even if he manages to rustle something up out of leftovers, your point will have been made - if you're not part of the responsibilities, then you're not part of the benefits (which includes laundry as well as cooking and cleaning).
Make your own mental list of what you do for him. And I mean FOR HIM, above and beyond what you do for the family. If he leaves, what will he have to begin doing again, for himself?

Also be aware - where is the family income coming from? You need to tally up what he does and include financial support. He may be thinking that he doesn't need to do anything more than bring home the bacon. If you throw him out, you don't get the bacon any more.

Weigh it all up, then if you still feel the balance is skewed way too far in your direction, then clearly you need to cut back on y our workload. Don't prepare so many serves; don't do so much laundry; don't do any ironing (there are ways to avoid ironing in your life); don't do anything purely to make his life easier. Because you're now far too busy doing his share of the parenting, to do as much as you have been doing, to make his life easier.

Get the drift?

Let us know how you get on.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh dear. I just saw this. I am so sorry.
I agree with-everyone here.
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.
Good luck.
Strength to you.

 

[Hound dog]

Somehow I missed this too.

I'm so sorry.

Hugs

 

[guest3]

I spent over 16 years with a man I loved, and I believe he loved/loves me, but he truly did/does not know how to treat me or his kids. Peace is worth more then love (quoting an early post)

 

[flutterbee]

I don't think the timing of his text message about not being able to take the kids to school (when you were leaving) was a coincidence. I've been around too many manipulative people in my lifetime (mostly men, but women, too) to not see it for what it is. An attempt to engage you in a fight so you won't leave the house. It's manipulation and it's abuse.

Life is too short. When the bad outweighs the good, it's time to clean house. That's, JMHO. If he's willing to step up to the plate and act like a big boy, then good for him. But if he's not and wants to continue to act like a child, he knows where the door is.

(((hugs)))