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What would you say or do?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 622305" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Bits, my difficult child is also much older, but I wish I had dealt with him without caving in while he was younger. Thus he is now in middle-age and still a real brat and often very nasty to me if I happen to say something he doesn't agree with or like and it is unlikely to change. Please remember this, if you will, because I caved in over and over again when he was your son's age and later on and my son is now a really full grown man who still thinks it's ok to treat his parents like crapola (including his father who funded his $40,000 custody battle) and me whom he can call up to five times a day for "emotional support" (it was ten times during the battle) but often just to cuss at me and hang up on me. I wonder if he'd at least deal better with his family members (none who really LIKE him, even though we love him) if we had taken a tough stance on how he had to talk to us and treat us when he was your son's age. But none of us did so he kept at it.</p><p></p><p>My intepretation of your sons e-mail is that he is trying to make you out to be a very bad mother for not supporting him, although in my opinion he is too old to expect that of you, and for making him leave the house when he attacked you, which is just plain taboo...normal, loving adult children never hit their parents. It just doesn't happen if they are caring adults. My son 36 has hit me, but he is not what anyone would call a loving, caring adult. Your son is acting in my opinion only (maybe nobody else will agree) like an entitled brat who can't be bothered with you since loving him, in his mind, is supporting him with money and letting him live with you no matter how he behaves and allowing him to never grow up. To him it is a betrayal to expect him to be respectful, self-supporting, or have any standards for which he must behave around you. If you expect ANYTHING of him, you disowned him. difficult child magical thinking.</p><p></p><p></p><p>With that having been said, I think you have to do what you feel is right. We share our experiences. For whatever good or bad or neutral it is, I posted what happened to MY son when I caved into his insane demands because of my overwhelming love for him. For me and 36 it did not turn out well. To this day, there are many things he will never own up to, including a few really horrible things that I can't even post here and some more minor stuff such as stealing</p><p></p><p>.I do talk to 36. I just do it when I can handle it and I go into "radical acceptance" mode. I accept each interaction to be unpleasant, and possibly bad enough that one of us will hang up on the other. Accepting this, I can talk to him with no expectations that he will act like a normal, caring, loving son. Since I can sometimes deal with that, we can have a relationship, albeit not a positive one most of the time.</p><p></p><p>Each of our walks our own path with our difficult child(s) and, the funny thing is, we usually end up in the same place. However, this does NOT mean you will end up where the rest of us are. It is just interesting that so many of us are right now in the same place. Often it takes many years of GFGism for us to get so fed up that we reach that place (I was a slow learner), but here we all are...and many of us can really relate to one another.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you peace, clarity and the serenity to accept the things you can not change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> In no way am I telling you what to do and I really hope you don't take it as my being bossy. Honestly...I"m just sort of putting my thoughts down, and if you think 100% of it is BS, just ignore it <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Gentle hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 622305, member: 1550"] Bits, my difficult child is also much older, but I wish I had dealt with him without caving in while he was younger. Thus he is now in middle-age and still a real brat and often very nasty to me if I happen to say something he doesn't agree with or like and it is unlikely to change. Please remember this, if you will, because I caved in over and over again when he was your son's age and later on and my son is now a really full grown man who still thinks it's ok to treat his parents like crapola (including his father who funded his $40,000 custody battle) and me whom he can call up to five times a day for "emotional support" (it was ten times during the battle) but often just to cuss at me and hang up on me. I wonder if he'd at least deal better with his family members (none who really LIKE him, even though we love him) if we had taken a tough stance on how he had to talk to us and treat us when he was your son's age. But none of us did so he kept at it. My intepretation of your sons e-mail is that he is trying to make you out to be a very bad mother for not supporting him, although in my opinion he is too old to expect that of you, and for making him leave the house when he attacked you, which is just plain taboo...normal, loving adult children never hit their parents. It just doesn't happen if they are caring adults. My son 36 has hit me, but he is not what anyone would call a loving, caring adult. Your son is acting in my opinion only (maybe nobody else will agree) like an entitled brat who can't be bothered with you since loving him, in his mind, is supporting him with money and letting him live with you no matter how he behaves and allowing him to never grow up. To him it is a betrayal to expect him to be respectful, self-supporting, or have any standards for which he must behave around you. If you expect ANYTHING of him, you disowned him. difficult child magical thinking. With that having been said, I think you have to do what you feel is right. We share our experiences. For whatever good or bad or neutral it is, I posted what happened to MY son when I caved into his insane demands because of my overwhelming love for him. For me and 36 it did not turn out well. To this day, there are many things he will never own up to, including a few really horrible things that I can't even post here and some more minor stuff such as stealing .I do talk to 36. I just do it when I can handle it and I go into "radical acceptance" mode. I accept each interaction to be unpleasant, and possibly bad enough that one of us will hang up on the other. Accepting this, I can talk to him with no expectations that he will act like a normal, caring, loving son. Since I can sometimes deal with that, we can have a relationship, albeit not a positive one most of the time. Each of our walks our own path with our difficult child(s) and, the funny thing is, we usually end up in the same place. However, this does NOT mean you will end up where the rest of us are. It is just interesting that so many of us are right now in the same place. Often it takes many years of GFGism for us to get so fed up that we reach that place (I was a slow learner), but here we all are...and many of us can really relate to one another. Wishing you peace, clarity and the serenity to accept the things you can not change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference :) In no way am I telling you what to do and I really hope you don't take it as my being bossy. Honestly...I"m just sort of putting my thoughts down, and if you think 100% of it is BS, just ignore it :) Gentle hugs. [/QUOTE]
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