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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630120" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Alb, when I think about WHY we have done what we have done for so very long...</p><p></p><p>First, we did it because for most of us, the "issues" started way earlier, when they were children or young teens or later teens. My difficult child was ALWAYS a harder kid---from the colic to the formula intolerance to his severe shyness and "I don't want to call attention to myself" which kept his behavior in the very good category until 7th grade. He was super cute as a kid---red hair, freckles and a very winning smile and sense of humor. People would stop me on the street and say, you need to get him into modeling. He was just a cute kid.</p><p></p><p>Then in 7th grade, with the onset of puberty, he flipped it all upside down. He liked the attention, so became the class clown which morphed into "you can't make me" to "I'm going to do the opposite of what you want me to do". </p><p></p><p>The positive attention--he has a great sense of humor and is really funny---turned into negative attention, especially at home. I "took his side" for so long. I believed him. I really did. Now, I never let him know that I believed him 100%---I always supported the teachers about homework, studying, behavior in class, etc. But I really thought they were probably overreacting. </p><p></p><p>He kept it somewhat between the lines in high school because he wanted to play soccer so badly and did for four years. He never went out much with girls---no proms, football games or anything. He had friends who were girls but no girlfriends. He had people he hung out with---guys, including neighbors, soccer team people, etc. </p><p></p><p>He was very angry with us for a long time after h.s. He said we had him "scared to death to get in trouble" so he "never had any fun." A few times he actually said he was going to make up for all of the "fun" he didn't have. </p><p></p><p>I honestly don't know what he is talking about. He had curfew---reasonable on the weekend---midnight and he worked part-time all through h.s. in several jobs to pay for his gas and spending money. We paid for his insurance. He was lazy and didn't clean his room except when I really got tough about it, but all of that was pretty much normal, in terms of what my friends were saying about their teenage boys and what I had experienced with easy child. He went to school every day---to work---to soccer practice----got by with okay grades---Bs and Cs. I just thought he was immature, a late bloomer and a lazy teenage boy. </p><p></p><p>He graduated from h.s. in May 2008 and went straight to college that fall. He was going to major in business. Always a very smart kid---intellectually and "street smart", i.e, common sense, I told him he could do anything he decided to do. </p><p></p><p>He flunked out the first semester. I remember being completely shocked and we marched up to the university and sat down with the Dean of Students and she gave him a lot of good advice, and we had a good talk. He went another semester there but didn't do much better. He then went to community college for another three semesters, I believe, dropping, withdrawing and passing some classes. </p><p></p><p>It was a slow decline from my perspective. Just a slow slide. In December 2009 I remember we had a big incident at Christmas and it was then that I realized he had some serious problems and we got him counseling etc. He was still working part time, going to school, and pretty functional, although again, the slow decline, looking back.</p><p></p><p>I just keep on doing what I thought I should do, which was push him a lot to grow up, take responsiblity, get his act together, etc. Finally, we quit paying for school and he took out a loan for one semester and moved out. Three months later he begged to come back as he was out of money.</p><p></p><p>I started getting really frustrated, and wrote up multiple contracts that he would sign and we would agree and then he would do none of it. I'm sure he was drinking and smoking pot way more than I suspected or knew at that point.</p><p></p><p>One day his girlfriend called me and said she wanted to come over and talk. She did and an hour and a half later my world was rocked. She talked about him drinking every day, and smoking pot and actually she just said a lot of things I can't even remember now. I just remember when she left I called my exhusband---his dad---and we had a long talk about how difficult child obviously has way more than a delayed launch.</p><p></p><p>Of course, I sprung into action, and got him to therapists, psychiatrists, internal medicine doctor, even his former pediatrician, etc. He either went and said nothing, very stubborn, or would not even go or never followed up. We had family meetings, got him into a doctor, diagnosed with depression, on medications but he wouldn't go to therapy at all He said he wasn't sleeping and so I got him into a sleep doctor for an evaluation---both his dad and I have sleep apnea and he has the same bone structure as his dad---but he would not spend the night and would not cooperate with the doctors. He was so obstinate about so many things---could not see but would not wear glasses or contacts, no matter what i did. </p><p></p><p>I'm sure he was doing a lot more a lot earlier than I will ever know. </p><p></p><p>He was arrested for the first time in August 2010. Since then the slow decline turned into a fast trip over the cliff. I started going back to Al-Anon before August 2010---I knew he was in serious trouble well before his first arrest and that he had addiction issues. </p><p></p><p>But I didn't know that much about addiction, and of course, I thought my love and will for him would prevail, and that somehow I could reason with him enough to get him the help he really needed. I spent a lot of time in that thought mode---years----even as I was going to Al-Anon faithfully and learning a different way or living and thinking, I still thought somehow something would click and he would stop. I truly thought that one day a switch would flip and everything would be okay. </p><p></p><p>In writing all of this (I didn't mean to write all of this), I thought these things:</p><p></p><p>1. The situation was temporary. Good sense would prevail and he would "snap out of it."</p><p>2. He was immature and just needed to grow up. He was my youngest kid and always was a problem child so I was even kind of "used to it."</p><p>3. I truly felt I could solve the problem. I have always been able to apply my persistence to just about any problem and solve it. Until addiction. I have met my match. </p><p>4. It never occurred to me that he would act in the immoral ways like I have learned he has done. I never really knew anybody who did the things my son has done. I had heard stories of other people, but had no direct experience of it. Growing up, we did what we were "supposed to do." My brother drank too much and got into "teenage" trouble but nothing earth shattering like this. I thought I had taught difficult child right from wrong and I have been continually surprised and even shocked to find out the things he has done and did. I guess you could call me naive.</p><p></p><p>Now he is almost 25---in three weeks. </p><p></p><p>5. But as I learned better and learned about addiction, and learned that I would have to completely stop, COMPLETELY, I started stopping but I would (and do) get confused about what stopping means. I mean STOPPING COMPLETELY. How do you do that? What does that really look like? I have not known how to do that, and even though I would make decisions about what I would and wouldn't do, he would always throw me many curve balls that I was not prepared for, and I would end up doing things I never had thought about before. In other words, I was blindsided, and I would get emotional, and he would manipulate me, and I would end up doing something for him, even if it wasn't all of the things I used to do.</p><p></p><p>Over the past four years, I have gotten stronger in my recovery and his addiction has gotten stronger. We have been moving away from each other at the same pace. </p><p></p><p>Like him, there has been no "switch" thrown and one day I just stopped enabling him. It has been and still is a journey. It is not a black and white situation. </p><p></p><p>I don't think it can be, Alb. I think we---all of us---have truly done the best we could do at the time. We can only do what we can live with. I don't blame myself for the things I have done for him over the years. I have done the best I could do in a nearly impossible situation.</p><p></p><p>People talk a lot about guilt when dealing with their addicted adult children. It is a big topic in Al-Anon. I don't feel guilty about difficult child. I have said some harsh things to him since all of this horror began----and that is something I will have to make amends for. I have been very angry at his behavior, but isn't that human? I think it is. </p><p></p><p>I'm not trying to say I have had no part in this, because I have been his biggest enabler, but as I have learned how to stop I have made tremendous progress here. </p><p></p><p>And yes, a lot of this has been to make myself feel better. As his mother, I could not "abandon" my kid in serious trouble. If not me, then who? Who would be the last man standing for him? Well, what I have learned is this: It is going to have to be him---standing for himself. Thanks Alb, good to reflect on this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630120, member: 17542"] Alb, when I think about WHY we have done what we have done for so very long... First, we did it because for most of us, the "issues" started way earlier, when they were children or young teens or later teens. My difficult child was ALWAYS a harder kid---from the colic to the formula intolerance to his severe shyness and "I don't want to call attention to myself" which kept his behavior in the very good category until 7th grade. He was super cute as a kid---red hair, freckles and a very winning smile and sense of humor. People would stop me on the street and say, you need to get him into modeling. He was just a cute kid. Then in 7th grade, with the onset of puberty, he flipped it all upside down. He liked the attention, so became the class clown which morphed into "you can't make me" to "I'm going to do the opposite of what you want me to do". The positive attention--he has a great sense of humor and is really funny---turned into negative attention, especially at home. I "took his side" for so long. I believed him. I really did. Now, I never let him know that I believed him 100%---I always supported the teachers about homework, studying, behavior in class, etc. But I really thought they were probably overreacting. He kept it somewhat between the lines in high school because he wanted to play soccer so badly and did for four years. He never went out much with girls---no proms, football games or anything. He had friends who were girls but no girlfriends. He had people he hung out with---guys, including neighbors, soccer team people, etc. He was very angry with us for a long time after h.s. He said we had him "scared to death to get in trouble" so he "never had any fun." A few times he actually said he was going to make up for all of the "fun" he didn't have. I honestly don't know what he is talking about. He had curfew---reasonable on the weekend---midnight and he worked part-time all through h.s. in several jobs to pay for his gas and spending money. We paid for his insurance. He was lazy and didn't clean his room except when I really got tough about it, but all of that was pretty much normal, in terms of what my friends were saying about their teenage boys and what I had experienced with easy child. He went to school every day---to work---to soccer practice----got by with okay grades---Bs and Cs. I just thought he was immature, a late bloomer and a lazy teenage boy. He graduated from h.s. in May 2008 and went straight to college that fall. He was going to major in business. Always a very smart kid---intellectually and "street smart", i.e, common sense, I told him he could do anything he decided to do. He flunked out the first semester. I remember being completely shocked and we marched up to the university and sat down with the Dean of Students and she gave him a lot of good advice, and we had a good talk. He went another semester there but didn't do much better. He then went to community college for another three semesters, I believe, dropping, withdrawing and passing some classes. It was a slow decline from my perspective. Just a slow slide. In December 2009 I remember we had a big incident at Christmas and it was then that I realized he had some serious problems and we got him counseling etc. He was still working part time, going to school, and pretty functional, although again, the slow decline, looking back. I just keep on doing what I thought I should do, which was push him a lot to grow up, take responsiblity, get his act together, etc. Finally, we quit paying for school and he took out a loan for one semester and moved out. Three months later he begged to come back as he was out of money. I started getting really frustrated, and wrote up multiple contracts that he would sign and we would agree and then he would do none of it. I'm sure he was drinking and smoking pot way more than I suspected or knew at that point. One day his girlfriend called me and said she wanted to come over and talk. She did and an hour and a half later my world was rocked. She talked about him drinking every day, and smoking pot and actually she just said a lot of things I can't even remember now. I just remember when she left I called my exhusband---his dad---and we had a long talk about how difficult child obviously has way more than a delayed launch. Of course, I sprung into action, and got him to therapists, psychiatrists, internal medicine doctor, even his former pediatrician, etc. He either went and said nothing, very stubborn, or would not even go or never followed up. We had family meetings, got him into a doctor, diagnosed with depression, on medications but he wouldn't go to therapy at all He said he wasn't sleeping and so I got him into a sleep doctor for an evaluation---both his dad and I have sleep apnea and he has the same bone structure as his dad---but he would not spend the night and would not cooperate with the doctors. He was so obstinate about so many things---could not see but would not wear glasses or contacts, no matter what i did. I'm sure he was doing a lot more a lot earlier than I will ever know. He was arrested for the first time in August 2010. Since then the slow decline turned into a fast trip over the cliff. I started going back to Al-Anon before August 2010---I knew he was in serious trouble well before his first arrest and that he had addiction issues. But I didn't know that much about addiction, and of course, I thought my love and will for him would prevail, and that somehow I could reason with him enough to get him the help he really needed. I spent a lot of time in that thought mode---years----even as I was going to Al-Anon faithfully and learning a different way or living and thinking, I still thought somehow something would click and he would stop. I truly thought that one day a switch would flip and everything would be okay. In writing all of this (I didn't mean to write all of this), I thought these things: 1. The situation was temporary. Good sense would prevail and he would "snap out of it." 2. He was immature and just needed to grow up. He was my youngest kid and always was a problem child so I was even kind of "used to it." 3. I truly felt I could solve the problem. I have always been able to apply my persistence to just about any problem and solve it. Until addiction. I have met my match. 4. It never occurred to me that he would act in the immoral ways like I have learned he has done. I never really knew anybody who did the things my son has done. I had heard stories of other people, but had no direct experience of it. Growing up, we did what we were "supposed to do." My brother drank too much and got into "teenage" trouble but nothing earth shattering like this. I thought I had taught difficult child right from wrong and I have been continually surprised and even shocked to find out the things he has done and did. I guess you could call me naive. Now he is almost 25---in three weeks. 5. But as I learned better and learned about addiction, and learned that I would have to completely stop, COMPLETELY, I started stopping but I would (and do) get confused about what stopping means. I mean STOPPING COMPLETELY. How do you do that? What does that really look like? I have not known how to do that, and even though I would make decisions about what I would and wouldn't do, he would always throw me many curve balls that I was not prepared for, and I would end up doing things I never had thought about before. In other words, I was blindsided, and I would get emotional, and he would manipulate me, and I would end up doing something for him, even if it wasn't all of the things I used to do. Over the past four years, I have gotten stronger in my recovery and his addiction has gotten stronger. We have been moving away from each other at the same pace. Like him, there has been no "switch" thrown and one day I just stopped enabling him. It has been and still is a journey. It is not a black and white situation. I don't think it can be, Alb. I think we---all of us---have truly done the best we could do at the time. We can only do what we can live with. I don't blame myself for the things I have done for him over the years. I have done the best I could do in a nearly impossible situation. People talk a lot about guilt when dealing with their addicted adult children. It is a big topic in Al-Anon. I don't feel guilty about difficult child. I have said some harsh things to him since all of this horror began----and that is something I will have to make amends for. I have been very angry at his behavior, but isn't that human? I think it is. I'm not trying to say I have had no part in this, because I have been his biggest enabler, but as I have learned how to stop I have made tremendous progress here. And yes, a lot of this has been to make myself feel better. As his mother, I could not "abandon" my kid in serious trouble. If not me, then who? Who would be the last man standing for him? Well, what I have learned is this: It is going to have to be him---standing for himself. Thanks Alb, good to reflect on this. [/QUOTE]
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