G
guest3
Guest
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, my parents and inlaws know exactly what my kids need and then they'd be fine. Well If I gave them either of my difficult child's for an extended period of time then maybe they'd understand.
busywend
Well-Known Member
Yes, it is odd. My mom could send us kids out for hours everyday and not worry about someone abducting or killing us. She fixed the meals and enjoyed alot of alone time most days - or at least it seemed! LOL!
Our parents and grandparents do not know how hard it is to deal with internet and cell phones.
Our parents and grandparents do not know how hard it is to deal with internet and cell phones.
G
guest3
Guest
and today teens are plain evil we weren't this bad
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Well speaking as a grandparent...we do know all...lol.
Dont you know that we have all the answers because we raised one set of kids and did such a bang up job?
Im saying all this tongue in cheek...
I read something somewhere that said one reason that grandparents and grandkids get along so well is that they have a common enemy. I think that is so true.
Dont you know that we have all the answers because we raised one set of kids and did such a bang up job?
Im saying all this tongue in cheek...
I read something somewhere that said one reason that grandparents and grandkids get along so well is that they have a common enemy. I think that is so true.
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
I must say that my parents backed down on their opinions & such after they saw kt & wm in true form.
Having said that, the tweedles never acted out much in front of grandma & grandpa, but when they did it made quite the impression.
Thank everyone for sharing their feelings on the subject then talk weather, recipes, jobs, etc. It's my key to survival.
Having said that, the tweedles never acted out much in front of grandma & grandpa, but when they did it made quite the impression.
Thank everyone for sharing their feelings on the subject then talk weather, recipes, jobs, etc. It's my key to survival.
Marguerite
Active Member
Janet & Linda, so true! It's not just parents of difficult children who go through this - it's everybody, on almost every topic. With our parents it was money. Even with my (much older) siblings, they were all horrified when I went back to work 12 weeks after each child. They accused us of being greedy, of being materialistic. I said we had a mortgage to pay. They said, "Sell that house and buy a cheaper one."
I replied, "You can't GET a cheaper one that wouldn't need an equivalent amount (or more) of money to fix it up so it is habitable."
They disbelieved me until THEY looked around at real estate. Then slowly, their lives changed and they had to send the at-home parent back to work, to pay the bills. My siblings' criticism stopped. Parental criticism didn't. Then I became disabled and HAD to stay home. That was a whole other ball game.
When we first saw problems with our kids, at first it was blamed on parenting. It was because I had gone back to work. Then it was because I was 'malingering'. Then it was, "there's nothing wrong, you just need more experience as parents." All said kindly, of course.
One point I need to emphasise here - when you discover you have a family member with a disability or an illness, everybody involved has to go through a grieving process. And the first stage of grief is denial.
We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. Those furthest away from the problem are slowest to begin the grief process. As a result, we've worked through denial, to anger, then bargaining and almost reached acceptance while other family members are still stuck on denial. If you're coming to terms with acceptance and having to handle questions and comments from family members desperate for you to validate their denial, it makes it very difficult to cope emotionally.
Just recognise - the depth of their denial is often a measure of how much they care. They would rather believe you temporarily insane or incompetent, than in pain or suffering. If your suffering is perceived to be YOUR fault, they feel better but still try to convince you to wise up and fix it.
It's natural. Some friends and family never move past denial. This is sad because it will eventually alienate, unless you find another way to cope with them. Sometimes simply agreeing that some topics are permanently off limits is a way to continue family relationships that are otherwise getting strained.
My father had no concept of how fast inflation had hit, in the late 70s. He had married off a succession of daughters from the mid 60s onwards. There was a gap before husband & I married and he had lost touch with how much it was going to cost. He made us what he considered to be a generous offer. "Here's $100. Use this to pay for your wedding reception, and anything left over you can keep as a wedding present."
husband & I looked at each other and tried to hide the horror. We were poor students, only recently in the workforce and earning $100 a week each. We said nothing to him, just began looking for a place we could afford. I knew my father wanted us to invite the whole huge family and book a good reception place and not simply hire a couple of trestle tables and ask wedding guests to bring a plate (we seriously considered this and it was in our list of calculated figures), so we hoped he would get in touch with reality. The upmarket reception places were charging $20 a head. We found one we were happy with that only charged $8 a head. But the booking fee alone took the whole $100. When my father asked how we were going in our search, I laid ALL the figures down in front of him, including prices for the same reception places my sisters had used. By using the figures from places he'd previously paid for, he got his big taste of reality, and not from me. By this stage husband & I had left the room to allow him to swear in peace. When he finally emerged he was still white around the gills but thanks us for choosing a place with a good reputation but low cost. Clearly, he said, we had done our homework well and he would of course pay for it all. We heaved a big sigh of relief - we would have still been paying of the loan if we had done it ourselves back then.
So my final advice - never argue with them. Just leave the facts lying around. When they're ready to absorb the information they will do it in their own time. Unfortunately, for some this is never.
Marg
I replied, "You can't GET a cheaper one that wouldn't need an equivalent amount (or more) of money to fix it up so it is habitable."
They disbelieved me until THEY looked around at real estate. Then slowly, their lives changed and they had to send the at-home parent back to work, to pay the bills. My siblings' criticism stopped. Parental criticism didn't. Then I became disabled and HAD to stay home. That was a whole other ball game.
When we first saw problems with our kids, at first it was blamed on parenting. It was because I had gone back to work. Then it was because I was 'malingering'. Then it was, "there's nothing wrong, you just need more experience as parents." All said kindly, of course.
One point I need to emphasise here - when you discover you have a family member with a disability or an illness, everybody involved has to go through a grieving process. And the first stage of grief is denial.
We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. Those furthest away from the problem are slowest to begin the grief process. As a result, we've worked through denial, to anger, then bargaining and almost reached acceptance while other family members are still stuck on denial. If you're coming to terms with acceptance and having to handle questions and comments from family members desperate for you to validate their denial, it makes it very difficult to cope emotionally.
Just recognise - the depth of their denial is often a measure of how much they care. They would rather believe you temporarily insane or incompetent, than in pain or suffering. If your suffering is perceived to be YOUR fault, they feel better but still try to convince you to wise up and fix it.
It's natural. Some friends and family never move past denial. This is sad because it will eventually alienate, unless you find another way to cope with them. Sometimes simply agreeing that some topics are permanently off limits is a way to continue family relationships that are otherwise getting strained.
My father had no concept of how fast inflation had hit, in the late 70s. He had married off a succession of daughters from the mid 60s onwards. There was a gap before husband & I married and he had lost touch with how much it was going to cost. He made us what he considered to be a generous offer. "Here's $100. Use this to pay for your wedding reception, and anything left over you can keep as a wedding present."
husband & I looked at each other and tried to hide the horror. We were poor students, only recently in the workforce and earning $100 a week each. We said nothing to him, just began looking for a place we could afford. I knew my father wanted us to invite the whole huge family and book a good reception place and not simply hire a couple of trestle tables and ask wedding guests to bring a plate (we seriously considered this and it was in our list of calculated figures), so we hoped he would get in touch with reality. The upmarket reception places were charging $20 a head. We found one we were happy with that only charged $8 a head. But the booking fee alone took the whole $100. When my father asked how we were going in our search, I laid ALL the figures down in front of him, including prices for the same reception places my sisters had used. By using the figures from places he'd previously paid for, he got his big taste of reality, and not from me. By this stage husband & I had left the room to allow him to swear in peace. When he finally emerged he was still white around the gills but thanks us for choosing a place with a good reputation but low cost. Clearly, he said, we had done our homework well and he would of course pay for it all. We heaved a big sigh of relief - we would have still been paying of the loan if we had done it ourselves back then.
So my final advice - never argue with them. Just leave the facts lying around. When they're ready to absorb the information they will do it in their own time. Unfortunately, for some this is never.
Marg
My mom has all the answers. No matter what my difficult child does it's my fault. That's her answer. Can't talk to her about anything when it comes to him. And she has 2 other grandsons (mine) she doesn't give the time of day. Can't figure it out. By the way she and I aren't speaking. I told her until she realizes MY SON needs help and I need her support don't bother calling. Hard to deal with being she is my mom but what else can you do?
G
guest3
Guest
so sorry Tracy551, but i understand your stand.
I am an only child and my parents are very supportive except they parrell my adolosence to my difficult child I's and hello I never told my parents i hated them, or threatened to hit them , or called them multiple obscentities. sigh.... vent vent vent LOL
I am an only child and my parents are very supportive except they parrell my adolosence to my difficult child I's and hello I never told my parents i hated them, or threatened to hit them , or called them multiple obscentities. sigh.... vent vent vent LOL
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I think you did the right thing. You're an adult now, and you're more of your kid's mother than your mother's daughter. If she's going to undermined your efforts to help your child, and if that hurts you, you need distance. She's unlikely to change. Go with your gut and don't worry about what Mom thinks. You have a child to worry about. You don't need to worry about another adult too.
Alisonlg
New Member
My mother, being mentally ill herself (clinical depression), thankfully suffered no denial, but sadly has suffered deep guilt. :frown: Knowing that so much of mental illness lies in genetics, she blames herself for my sons problems and it has not helped her depression any.
My mother in law is simply overbearing. She spends every free moment calling friends of hers (she's a nurse, so she has a lot of contacts) and reading books and calling my husband and me 5-10 times a day. It's just too much.
My mother in law is simply overbearing. She spends every free moment calling friends of hers (she's a nurse, so she has a lot of contacts) and reading books and calling my husband and me 5-10 times a day. It's just too much.
I had to laugh when I read the topic!!!
I too heard everything I did wrong. He just needs this and this. He can't possibly be that bad.
As a last resort before Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he went to live with my parents. They were going to "fix" everything. They were both at home and I worked so there in lies most of the problem!!!
Within 5 days he showed his true colors. They had the nerve to tell him to be home by midnight. Well, he lasted less than two weeks there.
My mom has a new understanding of what we went through at home.
She still knows what's best, but is less intense and respects my decisions that don't follow her advice
I too heard everything I did wrong. He just needs this and this. He can't possibly be that bad.
As a last resort before Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he went to live with my parents. They were going to "fix" everything. They were both at home and I worked so there in lies most of the problem!!!
Within 5 days he showed his true colors. They had the nerve to tell him to be home by midnight. Well, he lasted less than two weeks there.
My mom has a new understanding of what we went through at home.
She still knows what's best, but is less intense and respects my decisions that don't follow her advice
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