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When My Son Gets Out of Jail.......
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 713936" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I agree with the other warrior mom's, it is time to let your son go into the destiny he has created for himself. It is not your problem, it is his life. </p><p></p><p>My daughter is 44 and very much like you describe your son. It's been a long haul for me to let go of enabling her. And without any exaggeration, it has been the hardest thing I've ever done to detach from her lifestyle choices and behaviors and to stop "saving" her. She lived with us a number of times but it NEVER worked out for anyone, so that is not an option. Recently she was evicted from her place of residence after 2.5 years of living in a home with no running water due to a faulty well. Then the electricity was turned off, no water, no electricity but still she made no move to change her life until the eviction. She was couch surfing for 2 weeks and contacted me to let me know she was again homeless. She's been in jail, homeless and destitute quite a number of times. She knew living with us is not an option and she said she'd handle it. After going through the hell of worry about her homelessness, which I've been through a number of times, within 24 hours she found a place to stay..... which in many ways is a vast improvement over where she's been. It is SO difficult to say no, to step back and refrain from taking any action. However, often when we can do that, the kids find a way or make a way. </p><p></p><p>My boundaries have gotten very strong and I believe, as many parents here do, that stepping out of their orbit and stopping enabling, stopping handling what they could and should be handling themselves, is often the only way many of our kids learn to take a stand for themselves. My daughter may be doing this same thing for the rest of her life, I don't know, but what I do know is that I will not take responsibility for her choices anymore. It took me a long time to gain this level of detachment and acceptance, and I won't go back to that place of devastation, suffering, pain, resentment, anger and helplessness. The improvements in my life are profound, the peace and joy that had gotten so lost while I did my stint in hell with my daughter are back. As the Serenity Prayer says so succinctly, once we can accept what we cannot change what we get is SERENITY. And after the years of dysfunction with my daughter, serenity and peace of mind are miracles I am grateful for every single day.</p><p></p><p>This is a tough path Memedixie, it's hard, but it is doable. One step at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, but if you continue down this path learning how to detach, learning to accept what you can't change....your life will change in meaningful, powerful, lovely ways which honor YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 713936, member: 13542"] I agree with the other warrior mom's, it is time to let your son go into the destiny he has created for himself. It is not your problem, it is his life. My daughter is 44 and very much like you describe your son. It's been a long haul for me to let go of enabling her. And without any exaggeration, it has been the hardest thing I've ever done to detach from her lifestyle choices and behaviors and to stop "saving" her. She lived with us a number of times but it NEVER worked out for anyone, so that is not an option. Recently she was evicted from her place of residence after 2.5 years of living in a home with no running water due to a faulty well. Then the electricity was turned off, no water, no electricity but still she made no move to change her life until the eviction. She was couch surfing for 2 weeks and contacted me to let me know she was again homeless. She's been in jail, homeless and destitute quite a number of times. She knew living with us is not an option and she said she'd handle it. After going through the hell of worry about her homelessness, which I've been through a number of times, within 24 hours she found a place to stay..... which in many ways is a vast improvement over where she's been. It is SO difficult to say no, to step back and refrain from taking any action. However, often when we can do that, the kids find a way or make a way. My boundaries have gotten very strong and I believe, as many parents here do, that stepping out of their orbit and stopping enabling, stopping handling what they could and should be handling themselves, is often the only way many of our kids learn to take a stand for themselves. My daughter may be doing this same thing for the rest of her life, I don't know, but what I do know is that I will not take responsibility for her choices anymore. It took me a long time to gain this level of detachment and acceptance, and I won't go back to that place of devastation, suffering, pain, resentment, anger and helplessness. The improvements in my life are profound, the peace and joy that had gotten so lost while I did my stint in hell with my daughter are back. As the Serenity Prayer says so succinctly, once we can accept what we cannot change what we get is SERENITY. And after the years of dysfunction with my daughter, serenity and peace of mind are miracles I am grateful for every single day. This is a tough path Memedixie, it's hard, but it is doable. One step at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, but if you continue down this path learning how to detach, learning to accept what you can't change....your life will change in meaningful, powerful, lovely ways which honor YOU. [/QUOTE]
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