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when our grown kids disappoint us
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 510080" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thanks. My difficult child has been staying with us for the last 4 weeks, with an end date of March 1st. I was reading that book last night and realized, as the book points out, that my wanting her to be what I wanted her to be kept me stuck in disappointment and anger. In letting that go, I can find peace in the fact that it simply is what it is and she is who she is. I can judge that until the cows come home and get LOTS of agreement about it out there in the real world, but it is the truth, and that has been the hardest thing for me to let in. The book also mentioned that as long as we blame ourselves for not being a good parent, thinking if we just do this or that, we can "fix' them, what happens is that we stay stuck rescuing them, enabling them. I was stuck in all of that for a long, long time. My difficult child is nothing like me or anyone I've ever met, with mental illness' or not, she has turned out to be her own unique self. </p><p></p><p>She came in last night while I was reading and stood before me telling me how she got this cool new jacket and hat at some store where you can go in and get free clothes. (Just as an aside, in my entire life that idea would never have entered my mind, since I've always worked and made sure my life was not only free of drama, the police, homelessness and a free ride with social services, but I've essentially lived within the lines of our culture for the most part.) But there she stood, so proud of her new jacket and hat, looking accomplished and happy. I thought, 'she knows how to negotiate this territory she resides in, she's actually good at it.' Without my relentless judgments of her, I was able to see how she has in essence, mastered this level. It made me feel differently towards her, accepting and also connected (as the book mentioned) </p><p></p><p>I don't know how it is to maintain that feeling. Perhaps those of you better at this then I, know that. But, it felt good to not be angry at her, to just see her as she is. I guess when all hope is gone that they will change, there is nothing left to do but for me to change. Maybe that's exactly what needed to happen all along, (<em>but all those darn feelings got in the way!!!!!</em>)</p><p></p><p>I hope this feeling stays. It seems that after setting very strict and stringent boundaries around my difficult child, that tiny bridge left standing between us is where she and I can meet and have some kind of a connection. In order for me to be okay, she has to live in her world and I have to live in mine and that tiny bridge is really it for us. I could be sad about that, and believe me, I have been, but now it feels like that little bridge is better then no bridge at all. </p><p></p><p>I hear from all of you how you negotiated this territory and for each of you, how you've come to some place where you are finding or have found peace in your decisions with your difficult child's, and I am always in awe of you and inspired by you. It's one helluva journey that's for sure. I think my difficult child came home now for us all to reconcile <em><strong>what is</strong></em>, <em>the truth of this situation.</em> My granddaughter can see her Mom with a clear picture of who her Mom is and not let her Mom infiltrate her world in a negative way. I can do that now too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 510080, member: 13542"] Thanks. My difficult child has been staying with us for the last 4 weeks, with an end date of March 1st. I was reading that book last night and realized, as the book points out, that my wanting her to be what I wanted her to be kept me stuck in disappointment and anger. In letting that go, I can find peace in the fact that it simply is what it is and she is who she is. I can judge that until the cows come home and get LOTS of agreement about it out there in the real world, but it is the truth, and that has been the hardest thing for me to let in. The book also mentioned that as long as we blame ourselves for not being a good parent, thinking if we just do this or that, we can "fix' them, what happens is that we stay stuck rescuing them, enabling them. I was stuck in all of that for a long, long time. My difficult child is nothing like me or anyone I've ever met, with mental illness' or not, she has turned out to be her own unique self. She came in last night while I was reading and stood before me telling me how she got this cool new jacket and hat at some store where you can go in and get free clothes. (Just as an aside, in my entire life that idea would never have entered my mind, since I've always worked and made sure my life was not only free of drama, the police, homelessness and a free ride with social services, but I've essentially lived within the lines of our culture for the most part.) But there she stood, so proud of her new jacket and hat, looking accomplished and happy. I thought, 'she knows how to negotiate this territory she resides in, she's actually good at it.' Without my relentless judgments of her, I was able to see how she has in essence, mastered this level. It made me feel differently towards her, accepting and also connected (as the book mentioned) I don't know how it is to maintain that feeling. Perhaps those of you better at this then I, know that. But, it felt good to not be angry at her, to just see her as she is. I guess when all hope is gone that they will change, there is nothing left to do but for me to change. Maybe that's exactly what needed to happen all along, ([I]but all those darn feelings got in the way!!!!![/I]) I hope this feeling stays. It seems that after setting very strict and stringent boundaries around my difficult child, that tiny bridge left standing between us is where she and I can meet and have some kind of a connection. In order for me to be okay, she has to live in her world and I have to live in mine and that tiny bridge is really it for us. I could be sad about that, and believe me, I have been, but now it feels like that little bridge is better then no bridge at all. I hear from all of you how you negotiated this territory and for each of you, how you've come to some place where you are finding or have found peace in your decisions with your difficult child's, and I am always in awe of you and inspired by you. It's one helluva journey that's for sure. I think my difficult child came home now for us all to reconcile [I][B]what is[/B][/I], [I]the truth of this situation.[/I] My granddaughter can see her Mom with a clear picture of who her Mom is and not let her Mom infiltrate her world in a negative way. I can do that now too. [/QUOTE]
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