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when our grown kids disappoint us
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<blockquote data-quote="Tiredof33" data-source="post: 510126" data-attributes="member: 13558"><p>I like that book and I recommend it to everyone I see and I reread it to reassure myself. The fact that she is a psychotherapist and STILL had such problems and the money to afford treatments and she can't save her son from himself is powerful!</p><p></p><p>When my difficult child was in his teens I was stuck in 'action' and I did not realize at the time that I was enabling in ways, such as my guilt for the way his life was going. I was constantly pulling on the rope and trying to change him to my expectations. I was also trying to bribe him into what I (and society) considers an appropriate life style. I was embarrassed by things that he did and I didn't date much because I knew that no man was going to put up with the lies and antics of my difficult child. I would not if the table was turned!! </p><p></p><p>I think we all struggle with the putting them out if they don't follow our house rules. After all we love them and still see them as our babies. I thought I had moved on and accepted my adult son and minded my own business UNTIL he met the girlie from <em><strong>h*** </strong></em>2 years ago. The first year went well and then they came for a visit and I had to *loan* them money to get home. First time I had met or talked to her and when they pulled up in her car with stickers all over it (she is 37 he is 33) and I listened to her - mama bought me the car - grandmama bought me the gps - I saw red flags everywhere.</p><p></p><p>Shortly after that she started emailing me for money - she wasn't working and he had been layed off. They got into a fight and she called me screaming at me. Last month I finally called the police to stop the harassment. He was conning me into giving him money and I fell for it.</p><p></p><p>I was p*ssed at myself for being sucked in one more time when they were partying a lot and expected to be supported. He called me and said he had no money for food and I just told him he would have if they had not partied so much with the money I sent him.</p><p></p><p>The relapse caught me off guard, I thought he was passed that so I fell back into action for a while. I am now working on detachment again, I don't know when I can get to acceptance. But her book does help to letting go (and he is fighting it tooth and nail he wants to stay the dependent) so he can find his own path. My son may actually be homless this time but he left a job to go to school full time. At first my heart was bleeding, but day by day, His Choice His Life. I am hopeful that one day he will realize action causes reaction and actually think of the outcome BEFORE he acts.</p><p></p><p>I am still trying to see what lesson bringing this person into my life, to cause such hell for me for such a long time, what exactly is the lesson I am to learn?? I bounce back and forward, but my husband of 12 years is a good man and not emotionally attached so I have his support at home. Many of my family members would be critical of me letting my son live on the streets. I may not hear from my son for a long time, but the selfish difficult child that doesn't even know my birthday will let me know where he is so I can send his birthday money. This time for the first time ever I will just say hope you have a Happy Birthday, and that will be all. Also, that action would make many of my family upset too lol!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiredof33, post: 510126, member: 13558"] I like that book and I recommend it to everyone I see and I reread it to reassure myself. The fact that she is a psychotherapist and STILL had such problems and the money to afford treatments and she can't save her son from himself is powerful! When my difficult child was in his teens I was stuck in 'action' and I did not realize at the time that I was enabling in ways, such as my guilt for the way his life was going. I was constantly pulling on the rope and trying to change him to my expectations. I was also trying to bribe him into what I (and society) considers an appropriate life style. I was embarrassed by things that he did and I didn't date much because I knew that no man was going to put up with the lies and antics of my difficult child. I would not if the table was turned!! I think we all struggle with the putting them out if they don't follow our house rules. After all we love them and still see them as our babies. I thought I had moved on and accepted my adult son and minded my own business UNTIL he met the girlie from [I][B]h*** [/B][/I]2 years ago. The first year went well and then they came for a visit and I had to *loan* them money to get home. First time I had met or talked to her and when they pulled up in her car with stickers all over it (she is 37 he is 33) and I listened to her - mama bought me the car - grandmama bought me the gps - I saw red flags everywhere. Shortly after that she started emailing me for money - she wasn't working and he had been layed off. They got into a fight and she called me screaming at me. Last month I finally called the police to stop the harassment. He was conning me into giving him money and I fell for it. I was p*ssed at myself for being sucked in one more time when they were partying a lot and expected to be supported. He called me and said he had no money for food and I just told him he would have if they had not partied so much with the money I sent him. The relapse caught me off guard, I thought he was passed that so I fell back into action for a while. I am now working on detachment again, I don't know when I can get to acceptance. But her book does help to letting go (and he is fighting it tooth and nail he wants to stay the dependent) so he can find his own path. My son may actually be homless this time but he left a job to go to school full time. At first my heart was bleeding, but day by day, His Choice His Life. I am hopeful that one day he will realize action causes reaction and actually think of the outcome BEFORE he acts. I am still trying to see what lesson bringing this person into my life, to cause such hell for me for such a long time, what exactly is the lesson I am to learn?? I bounce back and forward, but my husband of 12 years is a good man and not emotionally attached so I have his support at home. Many of my family members would be critical of me letting my son live on the streets. I may not hear from my son for a long time, but the selfish difficult child that doesn't even know my birthday will let me know where he is so I can send his birthday money. This time for the first time ever I will just say hope you have a Happy Birthday, and that will be all. Also, that action would make many of my family upset too lol!!!! [/QUOTE]
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