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when our grown kids disappoint us
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 510671" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I understand what you are saying. I did go through the shock part. My difficult child was a pretty good kid, honor student, never in any real trouble, trustworthy, fun to be around, we were very close, and then at about 17-19 she began her series of incredibly bad choices each leading to the next horrible choice until she finds herself, here, homeless, penniless, friendless, jobless and out of ideas at 39 years old. My negative path with her has been for the last 20 years and it's also involved the suicide of her husband, the loss of her 2 step daughters and her bio-daughter, her career, her home, her money and all her friends. Some of that was her doing, some not. As I've mentioned before since Mental illness runs in my family, it's a good bet she started with symptoms at early adulthood when many mental problems present. So, yes, shock was a big part of it for me in the beginning. I'm over that now, and for the last 10 years or so I've been stepping back, sometimes big steps, sometimes small ones, but for my own sanity, I've had to remove myself largely from my difficult child's behavior. </p><p></p><p>We're talking now, in a way we haven't for those 20 years, so something is changing. How much? I don't know yet. I'm having to communicate all the resentments I feel towards her. I've listened to hers for years. I've come to understand that all of my resentments keep the wall between us from my side, so I am telling her how I feel and have felt, and to some degree, she is listening. There's a part of me that sees a different person in front of me sometimes, someone who is at least trying, and that gives me hope. But, the history is so damaged between us that I am very, very cautious. Being in a therapy group where I have reality checks all the time is remarkably helpful to keep me in line and not go into the "trance" my therapist speaks of..........when you just go in automatic enabling mode without any thought, just asleep at the wheel doing what we've always done. I am not doing that anymore, thanks to a lot of support, and so it gives me possibilities for changing my own behavior. </p><p></p><p>I imagine a common theme among us parents on this site, is that we always pray our difficult child's will come out of the darkness and resume a life, any life, which affords them joy and connection and a sense of meaning. That is my greatest wish. And, I also have to let it go, almost every day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 510671, member: 13542"] I understand what you are saying. I did go through the shock part. My difficult child was a pretty good kid, honor student, never in any real trouble, trustworthy, fun to be around, we were very close, and then at about 17-19 she began her series of incredibly bad choices each leading to the next horrible choice until she finds herself, here, homeless, penniless, friendless, jobless and out of ideas at 39 years old. My negative path with her has been for the last 20 years and it's also involved the suicide of her husband, the loss of her 2 step daughters and her bio-daughter, her career, her home, her money and all her friends. Some of that was her doing, some not. As I've mentioned before since Mental illness runs in my family, it's a good bet she started with symptoms at early adulthood when many mental problems present. So, yes, shock was a big part of it for me in the beginning. I'm over that now, and for the last 10 years or so I've been stepping back, sometimes big steps, sometimes small ones, but for my own sanity, I've had to remove myself largely from my difficult child's behavior. We're talking now, in a way we haven't for those 20 years, so something is changing. How much? I don't know yet. I'm having to communicate all the resentments I feel towards her. I've listened to hers for years. I've come to understand that all of my resentments keep the wall between us from my side, so I am telling her how I feel and have felt, and to some degree, she is listening. There's a part of me that sees a different person in front of me sometimes, someone who is at least trying, and that gives me hope. But, the history is so damaged between us that I am very, very cautious. Being in a therapy group where I have reality checks all the time is remarkably helpful to keep me in line and not go into the "trance" my therapist speaks of..........when you just go in automatic enabling mode without any thought, just asleep at the wheel doing what we've always done. I am not doing that anymore, thanks to a lot of support, and so it gives me possibilities for changing my own behavior. I imagine a common theme among us parents on this site, is that we always pray our difficult child's will come out of the darkness and resume a life, any life, which affords them joy and connection and a sense of meaning. That is my greatest wish. And, I also have to let it go, almost every day. [/QUOTE]
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