Lately, since Amy is consulting with a family lawyer about Jaden, I find myself feeling guilty about Kay again. Part of this is that she hasn't contacted me for so long that my life is peaceful and I am back to thinking about if she is really that bad or if I caused it. It's becoming more a blurred memory so I question me. I know we are doing what is right for Jaden, but I am starting to go back in time and to wonder what part I had in how Kay turned out. I know others go back and forth. I guess I am asking for a kick in the pants from somebody or a reality check. I am beating myself up because Kay won't speak to me. I am even wondering if she is really a drug addict because she mostly just smokes pot, but Kraton is now in the picture too. Both are legal and not hard drugs so I am getting confused. Even Al Anon did not help me tonight. I have not spoken to my husband about this. He does not seem to have lapses like me. I don't want to worry him about me. I hope I feel better in the morning. Tonight I am hit hard with the very real possibility that we may never see Kay again. Once she finds out Amy is going for custody of Jaden, I expect her to disown us all. She is like that. Not attached to us at all unless we are handing her things. No use for us unless we offer a perk. I hope you all have peace tonight. It eludes me. I am wide awake.